Feeling better..

lately i have been sleeping my life away.. it probably the easiest way to get through these teenage angst years. I have been feeling better now. i think my outburst of emotion from my las bulletin was mainly due to the over working and lack of sleep. I have been waking up nowadays at around 11 and then having breakfast and going back to bed at around 1ish..


I have gone back to school now.. the holidays are over and not a moment to soon. I was actually missing not being talked to at school :P I have 2 semi friends now.. they get me through the day with small talk now and again.. i will mention their names again so they can feel proud as they may possibly read this.. Thank you Luke and Thank you Sam.. probably the 2 nicest and most genuine dudes i have met down here.. If it wasnt for these guys i probably would of left school or continued to be guy friendless down here. Im not missing leeming anymore.. i mean its a good place to live as it is quite centraled in the region of perth but almost all i knew are slowly losing touch with me..

I have been having doubts about my best guy mate to date.. this dude didn't care about who i was and how people percieved me, he genuinly liked me for who i am.. or so im led to believe.. these days i find myself just a convience for him.. I barely see him unless its convenient for him. If he gets to drive somewhere and im paying for petrol then he will txt back.. I tried skipping work for his 18th but failed. he claims 'txt me anytime and we will go out for it :) '.. another broken promise from this boy.. I txt'd him on three different days even called him numerous times. no answer.. once again stood up.. I dont get it though. we used to be so close when i lived near him.. what am i a fucking burden on him now? the effort to pick up a phone once and a while and fucking reply must be unbareable. I dont wan't to blame his gf.. she is lovely girl.. even i approve of her (although that means basically nothing in the language of love) And im finding it hard to think that WOW can possibly consume him this much.. I miss him.. i wonder how things could of been if i didn't move. I find myself getting paranoid thinking 'maybe he found this move a life saver more then anything..' and from recent actions this theory is becoming a fact quick and fast.. 'Soulmates never die..' i wish it was true..

Do you learn to love?? or is it instinct.. i have been racking my brain trying to think of logical explanation.. I dont think i have ever loved to be loved back.. i know i must sound like a bleeding heart but its true to date. I went out with a girl for a year, but that wasn't love nor attraction, merely just so i could say i was in a 'relationship'.. I have been coming to the conclusion that loves is something you might have to learn for yourself, or be taught by leading examples.. I can't say i have been taught by any leading examples (divorced parents.. and on-off relations) and i dont think i have been learning for myself.. What are you supposed to do if u truly like someone?? is there some sort of plan or rules you have to follow? sounds like a movie and probably is but it is really bugging me.. I mean it must be a little more complex then getting drunk and hooking up with them (which in most cases is how it happens, i find anyways) but maybe this is just what i want to believe..

'No suprises - Radiohead'