Going down..

so i hit another downer mood.. just a 2 week lull thing, im sure it will pass. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. I dont think i feel like seeing anyone at the moment. If i could just lye in bed and live a lonly existance for the next couple of weeks i would. I think school is the only thing stopping me from 'achieving' this. I had a bath tonight. It makes a good change from the 3 minute showers we have been reduced to. Its not cause we have to have 3 minute ones we just choose to after the parentals viewed a programme on the ABC about water wastage.

I try my best to try and start a somewhat deep conversation with my much loved peers on the internet. seemed to be quite the challenge for some but eventually i found an intellect. We got chatting, made small talk.. but then we got thinking. I asked them 'What is your biggest fear?'...

I dont think anyone goes through life and can say im not afraid of anything. We all have our doubts, we all fear the worst so dont be fooled. The answer i got back was no suprise, i was somewhat hoping they would say it. "Dying alone".. I always thought this fear was a mid-life sort of problem, but now i see different. Noone wants to be alone. Everyone craves affection & we are all softies at heart. I would say my biggest fear is dying alone to. Just the thought of me spending my life searching for a companion and then leaving the world alone scares me.

Maybe this is why i am a bitter being so to speak. I find when my friends get girlfriends or boyfriends I can't help but feel a little left in the dust. I am happy for them finding someone and being able to confide in me about it, but at the same time i just feel like they are slowly being taken away from me. I can't help but feel a little upset at the same time. I dont think its attention seeking, i never want to be like that. Its people who create problems for themselves i despise.

I doubt myself. Everything goes smoothly and then there is just a sudden slump.. The wierd thing is i tend to get into histerics when im feeling low aswell. Something slightly funny strikes me as comdey gold and i am all teary eyed form laughing so hard. Maybe its my way of picking myself back up. I dunno but it seems logical. I start pouring my heart out to my friend on the net. I feel so embaressed when i do it. I always reveal to much and feel i burden other people with problems of my own. It always seems to me that when my friends are up, i'm feeling down and when I'm up their down.

1 day passed from when i started this draft and finished the final copy

My essay went swimmingly. I could barely think, its what late nights blogging do to you i guess. I went through the day half arsed. Its probably the effort teachers at MSC could only expect form the best of students. I read about obesity, prostitution and then fell asleep in the library during lunch. I have Bianca to thank for waking me up before lunch was over.

I seen my friend who i poured my heart out to at the end of the day. Its usually a relief when you walk out of the school but my worries weren't over until i was safely in the car. I didn't wanna make contact today. It would be arkward, i just told this kid my life and go on with my 'normal student at school' persona. I dont wanna wear my life on my sleeves. If people want to know if something is wrong they can puzzle over it, not just look at me and think 'mmm nice lil sad act he has going, lets go tlak as if we care'. There is my inner bitter being. Just a flash but there you go. Now i feel like i have contradicted myself by saying 'I dont wanna wear my life on my sleeves' then i go blogging about it on the world wide web. (thats were the www comes from for dumbasses)

I dont do these blogs as a cry for attention. But i dont really care too much if people read them or not. I feel like i could be helping people by letting them relate to me. I try and be as truthful as possible in my blogs to the point in which i have to edit them because they are getting way to personal. If someone reads this and thinks 'Well atleast i know im not the only one' or can say 'I know what your going through' then i feel like i have brought about some peace of mind which in turn makes me feel a little better. I think it would pretty interesting to see how much i have matured in a few years by reading these aswell..

Well im going to bed.. I have a saturday off. I cant see any significant events happening from the 29th till the new month so this will be my last blog for June..



'If the slipper fits you wear it' - The Dresden Dolls