Waste of fucking space...

Tis the season to be jolly... Christmas is closing in and all is well.. Besides a few minor things but i will go into detail about them shortly..

Tonight is the first night in 4days i haven't been drinking. It's a welcome change, which im sure my liver is most grateful for.. I haven't worked once this week as i haven't been rostered on.. They must expect me to pull money for christmas presents out my arse and not from shelves of stores who only accept cash or card payments.

I'm not too fussed.. the main family members have all their presents and thats the most important thing.. Work is shit at the moment anyways.. They want to make me wear a hair net because i can't tie back 3-4dreadlocks at the front of my head.. the real reason is some girl who works one night a week and moans the arse off everyone hates dreadlocks and want me 2 get rid of them or make me wear a hair net.. Boost juice is supposed to be loving and love life.. not lets be restrained by a fucking hair net and shitty guidelines some bitch thinks she can make cause she has the head guy whipped on her every word.. its fucking stupid, im ready to quit and find a new job.. Everyone asked where i was at the staff x-mas party last night.. I thought i would catch up with Luke and get thrashed at his joint instead.. I got to meet his little brother for the first time yesterday.. he is great, so innocent, the kind of innocent where you just think to yourself 'god i wish i could still be like that..'

He is 8, and talks with an open mind. He has no intention to hurt anyone, but just a playful nature i would of expected Luke to have when he was that age.. You couldn't help but joke around and have a bit of fun with him.. you could tell he was gagging for it anyway.. 'Uh-oh!' is just a dead give away that they want you to come after them and chase them around.. i couldn't help myself, with all that has been going on lately it was somewhat refreshing to me..

A friend of Martin (my mums partner) recently died in a motorcycle accident.. He was a good guy, i remember working with him when i labored for martin a while back.. He was a pretty straight forward kinda guy, loved his friends, would tell you if your an enemy, would look out for the ones he loved.. that was him.. We all went golfing at Glen Iris golf course one time for a work-do.. i dunno if i could even call it that, there was only 4 of us.. He was hilarious, he got soo drunk he spent most the time swinging and missing, and on the phone to friends.. thats the way i remember him.. He had a bit of a rough upbringing.. went to jail for a little while, got involved with drugs.. but he never changed.. He was only out of jail maybe a month before this accident happened.. It's upsetting really.. i barely knew him yet was fighting back the tears when i got the news.. he just had that sort of impact on people..

As well as this i have been used by another.. i call them 'Wasters'.. I have no time for them anymore and have realized i shouldn't of got involved with them to begin with.. I met them a little while ago.. A one night stand kept raving on about them and how they think they are soo great.. It was doing my fucking head in.. they asked me to add them on myspace so i gave into their idiocy and did it..

I only talked to them maybe a week ago.. But they seems ok at first, they do hair dressing, lived fairly close and i had a good feeling about them.. Soon the conversation turned.. it was no longer one of 'so what do you do?' or 'whats happening chrissie?'.. it was 'when can we meet up?' and 'i wanna be on you now..' They certainly knew what they wanted.. at first i was ok with it, i actually wouldn't of minded meeting them and having a bit of a tumble, they seemed like a fairly nice person.. so i went along with it.. A couple days passed and we agreed we will meet up at mine boxing day.. i tried to find out more about them purely out of interest.. all they seemed to be interested in was the fact they could possibly be getting some.. so here was the conversation..


Me:'so tell me about yourself?'

(anonymous):'no.. thats a shit job..'

Me:'oh true.. well then what to talk about?'

(anonymous):'guh your small talk is so boring..'

Me:'sorry i'm just not keen on going out of my way to fuck strangers.'

(anonymous):'lol.. small talk is shit i'd rather not talk i cant be bothered.'

Me:'oh well then lets forget about boxing day then i can't be bothered.. night x'


and thats then end of them for the moment.. I'm sick of being used.. and its true, why should i go out my way to fuck a stranger? i don't get enjoyment from knowing i have just slept with someone i barely know or will ever speak to again.. it would be nice to be with someone i have feelings for, or am remotely interested in for once.. whats the use of being with someone when you wake up to the most awkward morning after? this person is yet to realize it, maybe they will, or maybe they will always remain a waste of fucking space..

I did meet someone though.. the night of the Christmas padgent in mandurah.. we all went back to Sharni's (lukes girlfriends) house.. We picked up 2 people we seen at the padgent and took them back with us.. i didn't know them, but they seemed nice.. So we get to Sharni's house and keep on drinking.. I start talking to one of them.. they seemed a little out of place so i wanted to make them feel included.. eventually they pulled a chair up next to me and we really hit it off.. we waited for my taxi to come home.. i was tired.. they let me rest in their lap as they snuggled me up and talked to me.. So this is what it feels like to be in love, to have someone who holds you, truly cares for you, wants to be with you.. I think i could get used to this.. The lights get turned on by the mother of the household, who see's us close together.. i was shocked and kinda embaressed.. i got up straight away.. to see the taxi pull up.. i grab their number and leave..

i wish i had stayed.. who knows what could of happened.. i'm having them around this saturday with a couple of others.. i hope all goes well.. they text me after i got home.. 'I think your really cute x'.. I was on cloud 9 the rest of the night.. i cant wait to see them again :)


'Why do you get all the love in the world?'

Long lost blog site...

I admit its been a while.. i was tempted to put the exact day time and date but i can't be bothered going to such an extent.. to much effort, so little initiative..

but hello again.. i said i promise i will blog my birthday.. i didn't.. im sorry to all my non adoring liam fans ahaha.. it was ok though.. me and luke were still fighting, he never came to my birthday gathering.. I was upset i even bubbled at the end of the night when the absolut caught up on me.. but besides that i think it was a really enjoyable night. we played Wii sports and the worst organised drinking game ever.. FUBAR but the rules were almost as incoherent as us competitors playing..

Me and luke made up after the dropjaw gig which was on Oct 8th.. im not usually one to remember such insignificant dates but, oct the 8th was the date i wish i was born on, as 8 is my lucky number.. it was really quite an immature lets be friends again.. It was on MSN after the gig..

'wanna start talking again?' - Me
'Ok..' - Luke

and the rest is history.. it was really quite that simple.. We are still bestmates.. and we picked up where we left off, without the small time arguements and being at eachothers throats however..

A month passed.. doing a time warp to the future now.. And its my big brothers 18th.. hooray!.. I travel up 2 karratha to see him.. there was debate as to if i wanted to go because of recent events.. He said he didn't want Mum coming because she would just get drunk and embaress him.. Usually a teen would say this a joking gesture, and the parents would shrug it off, but he meant this in all seriousness.. I found it a lil self absorbed and really quite rude.. The one things parents wanna be there for is your 1st, 10th, 16th, 21st, 30th, 40th, even 50th birthday and He managed to shun my mother out and make her feel unwelcome..

The party ended up being a success.. i got him a 'Modern day Kama Sutra' book.. It was awkward.. not only going into buy the book.. but when i met his gf for the first time she thanked me for the present.. i only gave it to him the day before.. he doesn't waste anytime that boy.. brings a tear to my eye :P His friends are great though, well most of them.. I met a couple of mandurah buddy look alikes.. but i wasn't willing to give myself away to a karratha girl.. they all seemed to be gagging for it.. and complimenting how hot my dreads were.. im not being stuck up, they truly were.. it was flattering in a way, but i knew a bit better then to hook up over a measely compliment.. Now i do anyway :)

I really love mandurah now.. its great.. Its not small enough to be boring and a shit hole.. but its just the right size to be a tight knit community.. everyone knows everyone or someone who does.. Which has actually came back to slap me in the face.. I keep seeing people i have had one-nighters with, when i'm at work or just going around my daily business.. (I work at Boost Juice now btw.. its in the Mandurah forum, where everyone loves to hang..) I seen one today.. One of my more favourable one night stands.. i would do it again in an instant in all honesty.. I don't regret this one, its just i regretted the morning after... I didn't know what to say to them.. the conversation tank was all dried up.. I offered them a coffee and a lift home.. but besides that and a lil bit of a talk about Myspace, it was one of the most unusual and awkward moments of my life..

They came to boost.. With a friend.. I dont think they have told them our history though.. But I had to do register and serve them.. when it came time to being served, they walked off sumwhere else.. I actually was hoping they would speak to me.. I still think they are a genuinly nice person, i just didn't know how to go acting in the morning.. Was i meant to be cuddly and kiss them? Was i meant to act cool and pretend it never happened? i dunno but i still wish we could remain friends..

We haven't spoken since.. i msg'd them apologizing for such the awkward morning.. but the truth is i think my family knew what happened.. and i just wanted them to leave so they didn't have to get caught up in it all.. Oh well.. you win some you lose most.. seems to be the way..

I'm having people round soon.. i'm not going to promise, but i will tell ya how it went next time.. Ciao..


'This is what you get, when you mess with us' - Radiohead

2 days.. maybe 17 is different..

2 more days until i turn 17.. The 5th of October 1990.. the day i was born.. i really love the way queen used these lyrics in bohemian rhapsody.. 'don't wanna die, sometimes wish i'd never been born at all..' it sounds depressing, but it just sums up the feelings i have at times..

I don't know if i will be friend with them anymore.. after confessing what was, things have gone weird.. I said I'm not avoiding you.. but i really was. I was afraid to talk to them.. i didn't want things to seem like i have moved on and back to the way they were, the normal.. There will always be a part of them in me.. this was just my way of showing it.. I would love to remain friends with them. But i know its going to take a little while to go back to that. I fell in love with them at hello.. i couldn't bare to be a part of their life and watch them move on while i was still trying to get over them.. I'm trying to make contact though.. it's not working, i think i have fucked up..

I have been arguing with Luke a lot lately as well.. I think i ended up choking on my own words from the last blog.. The day after i wrote it, i found out he lied to me.. It was the first time i think i have been visibly upset while sober.. Even my friend Chadwick who only knows the shell to me could tell i wasn't right.. I had to leave after he told me the truth.. I took a walk.. Just the fact that someone i put all my trust into, could do that 2 me really shocked me and kinda pulled me back down to earth.. I think i am living in a fantasy world, where i think true love exists and people are in my life for a reason.. I don't know if this was ever the case.. The only times i think i might have truly been in love have all but fucked my world over and made me feeling lonelier then ever.. and these people that keep entering my life are just in it to get something out of me.. Whether it be a gig, information or my other friends..

Luke and I are ok now.. we still argue a bit but i think its just that stage in a friendship where you feel the need to give them a piece of your mind.. a little insight to how you really view them now that your over the whole new friendship buzz and can start to pick out them flaws you were blinded by before.. I do adore him still.. not in a gay sense.. but in a thank god i actually met this person kind of way.. Sometimes i think i'm the only one who actually feels this way.. he isn't to good at re-assuring though.. I seen him today at a music industry workshop.. We had just had an argument the night before.. i came in thinking 'fuck this is going to be awkward..' but he waved to me straight away and called me over to sit with him. What are best friends for right :)

i will blog how my birthday went.. i promise..


'Whenever im down, I call on you my friend. A helping hand you lend, in my times of need' - Groove Armada..

It's going to hurt me.. but i will get over it..

I confessed to them.. I told them about how i felt.. how the kiss meant a lot more to me then they were led to believe.. i wish i had been honest when they asked me the first time round.. They really do mean the world to me, and i have to give them credit for them to be able to absorb all i was saying to them yet still come out so understanding. I am writing a song about them. I think i had mentioned i had started writing it a post or 2 ago, i haven't been reflecting as much so I'm not too sure about it.

It's titled 'Tiny Dancer'.. i wont go into the meaning.. they know and i know.. the way i want it to be.. i hope one day i can get famous and play in front of a big crowd in Perth.. They will be in the crowd and i will put my heart and soul into the song too truly touch them and let them know just how much they still mean to me.. I won't be able to see them, but i know their there listening, whether their married and with their family, single, taken.. just as long as their there.

Its currently 11:30pm.. My uncle was just around. i let him have his acoustic back, the same acoustic which has made me the guitar player i can say i am today. It was on that acoustic i wrote my very first song.. When i look back on the song i created i realize how much i have grown as a musician and as a person in general. Being able to make lyrics and interpret feelings and situation into song.. it makes me feel alive and poetic.. But the acoustic is rightfully his, yet i still feel a little attachment to it. Just thinking of the countless nights i have spent on it whilst writing blogs or doing 'homework' on the computer gives me a feeling of sadness.

I need to get a grip, its just a guitar.. I am thinking about going to bed now.. I had Luke stay over the night before. We got done for possession of alcohol whilst on our way to the movies.. We got let off with a juvenile warning though.. They said we had a very good attitude about us which helped them in making their judgment. We didn't even drink that night so the morning was seedy free and i felt a bit refreshed. I really do like hanging with Luke, he is like an untold brother to me.. I hope when or if i get into a proper relationship they can be as good to me as Luke is..

For now I'm going to bed.. i wonder what the new week has in store for me.. Last week of school until its all over for me.. I'm scared, yet anxious to see what awaits me.. time will tell..


'Life isn't a destination, it's a journey..' - Teghan George

Delayed i know..

It exactly one month till my 17th birthday. it also been almost a month since my last blog.. and i have plenty to document. I have started getting into the more teeny aspects of teenage life such as hook ups and partying down in Mandurah. People would be jumping for joy, and saying well done, but the truth is if anything it has confused me even more. I dont know what i'm after these days.


I dunno if i like what i am doing, i dont really get as much satisfaction as i thought i would of at first glance. I don't want the emotional attachment that goes with some drunken hookups and i have suceeded in that with all but some.. im going to wait a while before i document these feelings further..

(10days have past.. i am now on the computer after bailing on my friends at some juvenile party)


So now i am drunk i can document my inner thoughts with a little more truth then one would expect from a sober mind. Luke had his 16th birthday party.. i had soo much fun it was incredible. I ended up hooking up with about 6 people in total but now without its consequences.. One was someone my friend liked, i knew he liked them but i gave into to them anyway. i felt horrible, they had lost trust in me and it was the worst feeling ever. The second was a girl who ended up being in the same school and year as my little brother. I honestly thought she was older, i felt really bad in the next days to come as i had realized her age. The third i planned on hooking that night and this is what i am going to elaborate on..

I fell in love with them.. i didn't mean to but it just happened.. I planned on hooking up with them as i had fancied them for a while before the party had happened. They are gorgeous, perfect in every way i can think. Their lips were soft, their face was perfect, their eyes were shining. They took me behind the shed, they thought they were going to vomit. It was definitely not as romantic now that i think of it but i thought it was perfect. They kissed with such feeling i couldn't help but be suckered in to them.

Now for people who have read my posts on here before you will be disappointed to know this was yet another friend, Except this time they were in my reach. I ended up bunking with them the night. I was on the couch, but was rudely awakened with Luke and Alex pinching my face telling me to get back up at 4 and start drinking with them. They let me in their sleeping device and hadn't felt more comfortable in my life. I promised myself not to get attached to them, it was not my intention to fall for them, it had just took a turn for the worst.

Things were weird the next day but were back to normal before i knew it. I went out drinking with them the w/e after. We all ended up staying at lukes, he has become an easy accommodation option as of late. We talked on the couch about that drunken night. It was great that we got some things established, i felt like this person had really put lots of trust and friendship into me, which will go on to reward them later on in life. We were talking about that kiss..

'That kiss didn't mean anything to you did it?...' they said.. it was in the nicest of intentions. They had a hint of worry in their voice as if they were stressing they could of ended up hurting me. I couldn't tell them it meant the world to me. They were honestly the best kiss i have had in my life, i don't regret doing it at all, i just don't like the confusion it is causing me lately. I just replied with a false 'ahaha na don't worry about it' and smiled and continued to carry the conversation.

It has really turned around to bite me in the arse. They have really took a liking to another, and i am hearing about it more and more as time goes on. I haven't moved on, and its hurting me to think it had meant nothing to them when i put my heart and soul into them. The worst part of all is that i am actually getting a little bit jealous over it which is horrible. I don't want to be a jealous person i want to be happy for my friends and be able to celebrate them making relations along side them.

I know whats to come. I will cry my eyes out, suck it up.. and move on.. who's next?



'Don't let him go.. his always on your mind'...

If only we could sleep tonight...

The past week has been a big change for me.. more eventful things have happened to me in this one week then it probably will in the next 3 months time. For once this blog isn't a bleeding heart who has his keyboard equipped and his emotions running wild, this is a blog of change.

I paid $202 to see 'The Cure' last night.. and i would do it all again.. They were amazing. It truly is music that lasts through the ages. Was a good mixture of youth and the elderly.. i would give it a range of about 12 - 65 possibly +65. I was waiting for Shannyn at Gateways so she could meet me and we would trek it to the gig together. Here is how the txt's went.

Shannyn: 'hey liam, just txt us when your about 10minutes away from gateways and we will pick you up :)'

Me: 'wow, ironically enough i was just about to call you and say i was 10mintues away now'

Shannyn: 'well i can't pick you up yet cause my mum is out.. just sit tight and i will be there in ten'

Me: 'Ok no problems i will grab a bite to eat then before the gig'

Shannyn: 'Sounds plan :)'


I went to Red rooster and grabbed a meal for $7 bucks.. was muchly needed, i couldn't of lasted from the small amount of Nutri-grain i had for breakfast. I quickly ate it there and went back to cockburn train station. I sit there on a curb in my nice pants, afraid i was going to get white powder on them. I watched the cars go past, i vaguely knew what car i was looking for.. well i knew it was red. I ended up getting bored waiting. Half an Hour passed with numerous txt's saying 'be there soon'.. When shannyn is sending you txt's like that you know she has more then likely not even left the house :P

I got bored and txt luke. Luke and I have become really good friends as time's gone by. He seriously means the world to me, the kid has a heart of gold and a personality not many others can beat. As my friend Joshwa said," Liam i think you get love and genuinely nice guys mixed up." I agree and this was probably the case with Luke. But never-the-less luke has put up with my bullshit and I have moved on from that stage. Back to my story though..

I txt'd him to keep me occupied and see how he was going. I feel for the kid, he seems to be stuck in Pinjarra alot. There is alot of restraint on when and how he goes out. When i get my license it will be different though. I ended up getting bored and carving our names into the road beneath me with a pebble i found.

'Luke :)' and 'Liam ;)' i also tried doing a whole parking bay in squiggles until a 4WD rolled up.. it was security.. a lady at that. the sad thing was she was more tank then a checkpoint in IRAQ.

Security Lady: 'Having a draw are we?' she said ever so confidently

Me: 'yeah sorry.. i am bored i have been waiting here for hours.. im using a brick piece though so it will come off easy'

Security Lady: 'mmm'

Me: 'and there are no swearwords, if that matters'

Security Lady: 'No problems.. just dont let me see you doing it again ok :)'

Me: 'Ok sorry bout that'

I got sand and put it on the road.. the sand scratches off the carvings when you rub it against it.. i thought i would do the right thing and clean it up. i took a photo on my phone first though.


I had finally got picked up with shannyn and caught up on all the goss.. Her and david, how annoying the people at my old school are, how annoying these new bands are.. it was good. I feel like i have ignored my old friends now that i have been hanging around with Luke so much. I honestly dont want to, but its just the way things are at the moment. We stopped in the city. I was going to look for a gift to get luke for his Birthday, but all the shops were steadily closing. I just managed to get into boost. I have an idea of what to get him anyway.

We get to The Cure.. it was soo fucking cold im suprised i still have my 'appendages' left.. I was told i owuldn't need a jumper as it would be hot when we get inside.. they were right. the lighting was amazing. you could tell alot of effort went into the show. You could hear them doing a sound check a couple of hours before the gig. We were 2 rows from the barrier. You could feel the atmosphere rising. We were standing behind a stuck up UNI whore.. She happened to know everything about everything, like teenagers do i guess.

'I have only seen the Cure 5 times.. Robert Smiths mum remembers me.. i tried hugging him once he wasn't happy.. he has a personality dissorder..'

she kept talking to us like we honestly gave 2 shits. If there was a surge in the crowd i would of taken great pride in knowing she would of been one of the first to die from asphixiation. Thats a horrible thing to say but she gave away everything for us. She knew the setlist better then 'The Cure' did.. I had a moment during 'if only we could sleep tonight..' His vocals were amazing.. the backdrop was filled with psychadelic colours and the lighting was beautiful.. it was one of them moments were you stare in amazment by how great these people really are. I was dissapointed i didn't get to hear 'more then this'. The Uni whore told me they wouldn't play it. She was right about something. I went back to shannyns house after 4 and a half hours of constant standing.. i fell asleep on the 2 seater under a doggy quilt while shannyn was on msn..





'If Only we could sleep tonight' - The Cure

Worst I Have Ever Been...

It's fucked.. thats the simplest way i can describe it..

I went out Tuesday.. Got drunk with old friends from Leeming.. It was great. The drinks were flowing the conversation was excellent and there was drama near the end which sparked even more conversation. That night was the first night i had ever tried Weed in my life as well. I had been drinking Goon and Solo before it. It didn't really effect me that much. I didnt feel any better, i didn't feel any worst. I was just.. I crashed at my friend Sarah's and awaited the long bus trip home.. There was no way i was going to work. I felt fairly ill. I caught my bus home to fall asleep and be woken by my phone ringing. This is somewhat still unfamiliar to me :P

It was luke.. He never usually calls me so i was wondering what was going on. He asked me if i wanted to go out that night and get drunk at Players. I had work that night but was already ill. I didn't wanna say no.. infact i was delighted he wanted to actually hang out.

OK im going to stop.. I cant even talk about this anymore.. It was a fucking good night.. I loved everybit of it.. i remember somebits of the night but the rest is all blank to me. I woke up thursday next to luke as he stayed at mine. I relised i had SWL and totally forgot i had to be at guitar world at 9:30pm. I got soo fucked the night before it wasn't even funny to me. I fucking paniced big time. I could just vaguely remember some parts of the night. It scared me.. I am usually so in control of myself when i drink.. but this night was different i let my tongue loose and held nothing back..

I now remember getting jealous when my m8 hooke dup with someone.. I feel so stupid for it.. I want him to be happy with what he does not look out for me and what i want. Im so selfish like that.. My last 2 days have been filled with SLeeping, crying and trying to talk to them properly.. I dont wanna sound clingy, or as if i'm looking for attention i just wanna know whats going on. I haven't been myself.. I cant even be myself anymore.. Im always looking out and being parnoid with what i do. I am thinking it is a side effect of the Weed i had smoked on tuesday but im not even sure anymore..

Im having people around soon.. I dunno if i want to. It will just end in tears i fucking know it. i will end up sleeping alone while watching the other couples cuddling. I fucking hate the way things are at the moment.. I take everything for granted.. I just wanna go back to what i used to fucking be.. i know this is making no sense to anyone readin this.. i dont want to give away to much.. for everyones sake.. but its alot more fucked then another teenage crying over spilt milk.. i promise

'such imagination seems to help the feeling slide' - Placebo

Going down..

so i hit another downer mood.. just a 2 week lull thing, im sure it will pass. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. I dont think i feel like seeing anyone at the moment. If i could just lye in bed and live a lonly existance for the next couple of weeks i would. I think school is the only thing stopping me from 'achieving' this. I had a bath tonight. It makes a good change from the 3 minute showers we have been reduced to. Its not cause we have to have 3 minute ones we just choose to after the parentals viewed a programme on the ABC about water wastage.

I try my best to try and start a somewhat deep conversation with my much loved peers on the internet. seemed to be quite the challenge for some but eventually i found an intellect. We got chatting, made small talk.. but then we got thinking. I asked them 'What is your biggest fear?'...

I dont think anyone goes through life and can say im not afraid of anything. We all have our doubts, we all fear the worst so dont be fooled. The answer i got back was no suprise, i was somewhat hoping they would say it. "Dying alone".. I always thought this fear was a mid-life sort of problem, but now i see different. Noone wants to be alone. Everyone craves affection & we are all softies at heart. I would say my biggest fear is dying alone to. Just the thought of me spending my life searching for a companion and then leaving the world alone scares me.

Maybe this is why i am a bitter being so to speak. I find when my friends get girlfriends or boyfriends I can't help but feel a little left in the dust. I am happy for them finding someone and being able to confide in me about it, but at the same time i just feel like they are slowly being taken away from me. I can't help but feel a little upset at the same time. I dont think its attention seeking, i never want to be like that. Its people who create problems for themselves i despise.

I doubt myself. Everything goes smoothly and then there is just a sudden slump.. The wierd thing is i tend to get into histerics when im feeling low aswell. Something slightly funny strikes me as comdey gold and i am all teary eyed form laughing so hard. Maybe its my way of picking myself back up. I dunno but it seems logical. I start pouring my heart out to my friend on the net. I feel so embaressed when i do it. I always reveal to much and feel i burden other people with problems of my own. It always seems to me that when my friends are up, i'm feeling down and when I'm up their down.

1 day passed from when i started this draft and finished the final copy

My essay went swimmingly. I could barely think, its what late nights blogging do to you i guess. I went through the day half arsed. Its probably the effort teachers at MSC could only expect form the best of students. I read about obesity, prostitution and then fell asleep in the library during lunch. I have Bianca to thank for waking me up before lunch was over.

I seen my friend who i poured my heart out to at the end of the day. Its usually a relief when you walk out of the school but my worries weren't over until i was safely in the car. I didn't wanna make contact today. It would be arkward, i just told this kid my life and go on with my 'normal student at school' persona. I dont wanna wear my life on my sleeves. If people want to know if something is wrong they can puzzle over it, not just look at me and think 'mmm nice lil sad act he has going, lets go tlak as if we care'. There is my inner bitter being. Just a flash but there you go. Now i feel like i have contradicted myself by saying 'I dont wanna wear my life on my sleeves' then i go blogging about it on the world wide web. (thats were the www comes from for dumbasses)

I dont do these blogs as a cry for attention. But i dont really care too much if people read them or not. I feel like i could be helping people by letting them relate to me. I try and be as truthful as possible in my blogs to the point in which i have to edit them because they are getting way to personal. If someone reads this and thinks 'Well atleast i know im not the only one' or can say 'I know what your going through' then i feel like i have brought about some peace of mind which in turn makes me feel a little better. I think it would pretty interesting to see how much i have matured in a few years by reading these aswell..

Well im going to bed.. I have a saturday off. I cant see any significant events happening from the 29th till the new month so this will be my last blog for June..



'If the slipper fits you wear it' - The Dresden Dolls

What the fuck is wrong with me..

Tonight i felt like bursting into tears for no apparent reason.. i felt so stupid but maybe its just a part of growing up. I always cry when im confused or get really angry.. Me and my Aunty are more alike eachother then we think. We both have blonde hair and blue eyes.. freckles and a similar sense of humour.. But its not just physically but mentally aswell. If i argue with someone or fight (fists and stuff) i dunno why but i dont get angry i just cry.. its really soo stupid.. It's such a childish thing to do and possibly at the worst of times. Your trying to show how strong you can be, i dont think tearing up about it will help much at all..

no suprise to those who read this.. but i have lost weight again.. i put it back on form the previous time but i have lost some again.. I have just had my tongue pierced though.. so i couldn't really eat any solids for a couple of days. its all good though. My speech is almost back to normal and i am eating as unhealthy as i was before.. Ok i came up with the conclusion as to why i got so upset.. They dont know.. well either of them but i think this is it.. My old friend Josh to whom i never speak to anymore.. he reminds me soo much of Luke.. The way they talk, the way they get the girls, the way they dress, the way they wear their hair and have their lip pierced.. it scares me at how similar they really are..

We met under the same circumstances.. I was in yr 11 and Josh was in yr 12.. Now im in yr 12 and Luke is in yr 11.. Josh just moved school after year 11, so did i to MSC.. We met through a love of music.. I was really shy around them at first because i didn't wanna jeopardise what could of been a possibly great friendship. We became good friends through showing each other music and through a special love for Placebo. We worked with eachother at fast food. Josh dyed his hair all different colours, hung out at late night.. so does luke.. Josh bought WOW and found a gf and we stopped talking.. Luke bought WOW..

Luke is the best guy i have at the moment.. Sam and luke that is. I just dont wanna do it all again.. A good few months partying it up with them while they slowly become more obsessed and more hermited/crippled by a game.. Everyone says friends before some video game. Do you think these people who are on WOW for a living didn't say that? I think im afraid im going to lose Luke and i shouldn't even talk like this its so selfish.. The boy has done more for me then i could ever imagine. He visits me in the library when im lonely, speaks to me on msn, cheers me up and listens, accepts me for who i am.. I should have more faith in the boy..

I guess im just worried. It kinda upsets me how quick things can change and how quick things can die.. I think im a very jealous person.. When people find people to love i immediately think 'well thats me done..' and just assume i will be seeing less of them. I find myself thinking.. Was it them that has changed that made us fall out or was it me? did i change how i see them and think of them?...

' you are the one.. ' - Placebo

There are good people in the world.. you need to wake up at 5 to get them though..

So i started this off talking about my more recent events.. But then i got thinking chronilogically and this is how it is. I went to my dad's the last long w/e. He lives in Karratha, a small country town about 2400km North of Perth (correct me if im wrong). I had lived there for much of my childhood and feel its necessary to go back everynow and again to see how things have changed or rather how little things have. The place is still the same, just more drugs i guess.. So we left to fly up at about 1.. missed out plane at about 3.. then had to catch the next one which was thankfully at 4 o'clock. Luck was on our side on this fine friday.

I was greeted by my Dad and Older Brother Alan at the airport. I still give my big brother shit for dobbing me in for smoking but we are all good now. You can't hate family, its just short term dislike 99.9% of the time. (As you can probably tell i just made up that statistic but eh). We get home and Alan and I decided the most intelligent thing to do was to get hammered and play a drinking game. That whole night went in fast motion.. I was actually quite proud of myself for drinking beer. Im not doing it again however. I woke up at 3 to find myself running out of of bed, accidently running into my older brothers room, then atlast to the toilet to throw up.. I can barely remember the whole night bar that incident.

I was woken by a horrible smell.. See the thing is, when your sober you think a bit more logically, but i was drunk.. Instead of holding my hair back when throwing up i just blatently vomited everywhere.. Even in my dreads.. It took about 3 washes to get out completely but its ok :P I walk down the hall to get breakfast to find black spots of vomit on the ground and even next to the toilet and even on the toilet door. I got my bitch gloves on and started cleaning up.. I know what your thinking 'oh god what a thing to be talking about..' im sorry but it was a highlight.. Im still trying to think how it could of got on the toilet door, especially if it was behind me :S

The rest of the trip was pretty straight foward.. There was a reason to my dad wanting me to come up there. It's not something im going to go where on my sleeve's however.. Besides things can turn out to be ok for all we know.. We will just have to wait it out. But for now im going to talk about more recent events..

I went out this w/e.. which makes a good change. I always complain about not going out so when the opportunity came up i was quick to jump to it. It was my friend Ashleys 17th.. She is a nice girl. Known her since primary school. Her mother was my little brothers Kindy teacher so there is some connection between the family (be it little or large). There was some slight complications though. I had to work the next morning at 10am. This girl lived in Perth, i lived in Mandurah.. I decided i would rather go to work talking about how good a night i had, then listen to others shit on about theirs.

I get there with my Best mate Caz.. Yet another brilliant person. She is soo amazing, and very out there. She isn't fake she is so realistic about things. This is something i admire in people. I love people who can be blunt, and just say stuff how it is. Everyone needs to be more open about things. If people have questions, give them honest answers. It saves a harsh reality for most in the long run. Anyway i go to the party.. There was 5 of us for most the night. Suddenly a flood of about 20people come in. I thoguht they were gate crashers at first but no the cavalry had arrived. I seen an Old friend 'Luke' from when i last had drinks with Ashley. Was good to see how he was going. My views on Lukes have been changed due to this Luke and Luke Smedley. I used to think all people named Luke were arseholes.. But seriously nicest people i know.. The night was definately worth it. We reflected on primary school days and past encounters we had, and Charlie the Unicorn. 'Shun the non-Believers.. Shun...'

I wake up at 5ish to creep around the house gathering my bits and pieces whilst trying not to wake the other up. It was a waste of time as i needed someone to shut the door behind me anyway for it to close properly. I have never been so cold in my life. I was thankful i accidently packed 2 jumpers.. I had an undershirt, t-shirt, long sleeve, long sleeve jumper and a long sleeve jacket and still felt the harsh cold morning. It was pitch black, and i was walking alone. I was waiting for someone to jump out from the bushes i passed, or get egged again (in referal to a street drinking we had a few months back) but luck was still with me. The street lights flicked off and the Sun started rising as i waited for my bus at Murdoch Park and ride. I was silently singing to myself when i noticed a man in black 2 bus stops down from me. All i could really make out was the distant flame he appeared to have going. He soon came over and talked to me. He was the security guard who watched the Train Station while it was being built. He and I were the only 2 there. He had told me he was doing an 8 Hour shift which finished at 7:30am. This was when the first bus to the city was available for me. He said he was lighting a fire before to keep him warm. I couldn't blame him, i have never seen my nose so red from the cold. He left for a lil while. I decided i would use my bag as a pillow and sleep a little before my bus came. He came back 10minutes later to my suprise with 2 coffees. He offered me one and he told me all about himself.

He used to be a Conductor on a train. He said he hated it. Everyone has an instant hate for these people but this guy was different. He only fined people who kicke dup a stink about not having a ticket. He had colleagues that fined 76yr olds for not have their pensioners card when purchasing tickets. He told me how after 60 people should be left to their own device, they had been through enough. I agreed completely. Just imagine how much a 60yr old had seen compared to a mere teen like myself. I think the elderly generaiton gets neglected. We could learn so much from them if we opened our ears and listened to them once and a while. I finished the rest of my coffee the man had offered me and picked at the spyrofoam cup. With that our bus came..


'Waiting for the 7.18 - Bloc Party'

It is a friday night..

its another lonesome friday night for me.. I always complain about not going out much but i have been reluctant to save myself for the possibilities of 2morrow night. It was semi planned i go to Josh's to have drinks for his 'congratulations you have put up with the world around you for 18years'.. I;m seriously starting to doubt i will be going out 2morrow night though. I have txt him many times but to no avail i have recieved nothing back. The least he could do is txt back and say no im not up 4 it.. its better then waiting around to have a saturday night wasted once again. Im sick of getting stood up by josh. This would be his 4th time he has done it in the last month or 2.

Im settling into school alot better now.. I still hang around the library but im making efforts to go out into the sea of pubescent teens to make contacts. Today i finished reading a book. I know it doesn't sound like much but im usually not a reader. The book was based on a true story, and as all stories (if they are half decent) made me think at the end. It came up with a theory that maybe you dont control whats going happen in the future. If your destined to be someone or become someone it will happen, if you were destined to be a nobody it will happen. Maybe we are all really born with certain destinys you know? like we have a set path in life which we will follow no matter what happens. It was just a deep thought i felt i had to express in words..

So i have 2 pretty decent mandurah mates now.. they are really good 2 me.. i just hope its not 'i feel sorry him' friendship though. One of them is probably the closest friend i got at the moment and i barely know him.. he is good to me though, i dunno what it is but he just puts insecurity on hold when im with him.. its good.. Im slowly falling out with everyone i knew by the day. I guess its all part of growing up. I see them at the ocassional party but its just so arkward seeing them and being around them again. Maybe i never really did fit in with them and just kinda relise it now. Or maybe my thoughts are battling with reality and im just to confused to construct grammer propper.

I feel like i need to start getting a grip of myself. I over analyse everyone way too much. If somethings to good to be true i overthink the whole situaiton and look for faults. It also seems i can't really make many friends these days without falling for them in the process. Its so stupid. It's that same old story i have been through to many times before. Everytime it happens i find myself feeling foolish in the long run. I'm glad many of the friends it has happened to have stuck by me after all i put them through starting from the casual conversations all the way to the drunk and thoughtless confession of my lust for them.

I'm glad im not drinking at the moment in some respects.. I say such stupid things. i also say alot of stuff that is true but i would usually have the will power to keep to myself. i guess im stating the obvious as that happens to probably 99% of us. I dont think i use alcohol to have fun much anymore though. its so stupid its like im using it to stop my mind from thinking for a while, just to relax and let go of all them pent up feelings a sober tongue cannot speak. It has got me into trouble many a time. I dont regret what i say, just which i could say them probably under better circumstances.

I miss having good friends.. yeah there i go again.. but i do. That person you can always rely on. That person whose compassion solves everything and hug tells you your going to be fine. When you breakdown they are there to build you back up again. I think i just need a hug...

'I should be much to smart for this, you know it gets the better of me..' - Bic Runga

Feeling better..

lately i have been sleeping my life away.. it probably the easiest way to get through these teenage angst years. I have been feeling better now. i think my outburst of emotion from my las bulletin was mainly due to the over working and lack of sleep. I have been waking up nowadays at around 11 and then having breakfast and going back to bed at around 1ish..


I have gone back to school now.. the holidays are over and not a moment to soon. I was actually missing not being talked to at school :P I have 2 semi friends now.. they get me through the day with small talk now and again.. i will mention their names again so they can feel proud as they may possibly read this.. Thank you Luke and Thank you Sam.. probably the 2 nicest and most genuine dudes i have met down here.. If it wasnt for these guys i probably would of left school or continued to be guy friendless down here. Im not missing leeming anymore.. i mean its a good place to live as it is quite centraled in the region of perth but almost all i knew are slowly losing touch with me..

I have been having doubts about my best guy mate to date.. this dude didn't care about who i was and how people percieved me, he genuinly liked me for who i am.. or so im led to believe.. these days i find myself just a convience for him.. I barely see him unless its convenient for him. If he gets to drive somewhere and im paying for petrol then he will txt back.. I tried skipping work for his 18th but failed. he claims 'txt me anytime and we will go out for it :) '.. another broken promise from this boy.. I txt'd him on three different days even called him numerous times. no answer.. once again stood up.. I dont get it though. we used to be so close when i lived near him.. what am i a fucking burden on him now? the effort to pick up a phone once and a while and fucking reply must be unbareable. I dont wan't to blame his gf.. she is lovely girl.. even i approve of her (although that means basically nothing in the language of love) And im finding it hard to think that WOW can possibly consume him this much.. I miss him.. i wonder how things could of been if i didn't move. I find myself getting paranoid thinking 'maybe he found this move a life saver more then anything..' and from recent actions this theory is becoming a fact quick and fast.. 'Soulmates never die..' i wish it was true..

Do you learn to love?? or is it instinct.. i have been racking my brain trying to think of logical explanation.. I dont think i have ever loved to be loved back.. i know i must sound like a bleeding heart but its true to date. I went out with a girl for a year, but that wasn't love nor attraction, merely just so i could say i was in a 'relationship'.. I have been coming to the conclusion that loves is something you might have to learn for yourself, or be taught by leading examples.. I can't say i have been taught by any leading examples (divorced parents.. and on-off relations) and i dont think i have been learning for myself.. What are you supposed to do if u truly like someone?? is there some sort of plan or rules you have to follow? sounds like a movie and probably is but it is really bugging me.. I mean it must be a little more complex then getting drunk and hooking up with them (which in most cases is how it happens, i find anyways) but maybe this is just what i want to believe..

'No suprises - Radiohead'

This is where i pour my heart out...

I miss it.. i truly do.. I wish i didnt move to mandurah sometimes.. i wish i hadn't become attached to people donw here so easily. I want to move back. I like it donw here but i still have no real friends.. The closest i ahve to friends are people i make small talk with in class. I feel like such a social outcast her ein mandurah.. everyone talks about these parties they went to, how hot so and so is.. i dont know any of these people.. and i sure as hell dont know of any parties.. everyone is so clicky down here.. i want to be mates with people but i dunt wanna come off as if im trying to hard to fit in. I feel like such a dick going up to someone i barely know and saying 'hey can i sit with u guys?' its seems like such a desperato thing to do. That and intrusive also.

The year 11's i know are kewl. Its nice talking to them. they are alot more lightened up and relaxed about things. I miss Leeming. I had it all. i knew everyone that wa sneeded to be known. I got along with the majority of yr 12's and wasn't a fucking nobody. My school work hasnt even improved from being a library loner either. I used to go to parties almost every second w/e and hang out with friends all the time. Thats the way i wished things could have been down here. Its not looking like that is going to happen anytime soon however. The whole time i have been in mandurah i haven't gone anywhere with people i know down in mandurah.. its always been me inviting a friend down for the w/e so i can here about what i am missing and have a good laugh and drink with them. I can't tell them they are missing anything. Im stil the same, and most the hang outs i have ar eusually up in perth with them..

I miss josh, and chris but mostly josh. We used to be hell good mates. We used to hang out soo much when i live dup in leeming. Now i can barely ever get in touch with him. It saddens me everytime i listen to 'Sleeping with ghosts' to know im miles apart form what i considered a best friend. I seen him at dirks 18th though which was good, but he stood me up the next day which i was hoping would of been a much needed hang out. im not going to say i didn't care. because i was cut. I waited over an hour and ahalf for him to come hoping he would. But to no avail, no show, no hangout..

I miss going out aswell. I never drink anymore, which is good for my liver atm but its totally fucking me round socially. I hate the way i have to plan to go and see my friends, its never a on the spur kinda thing. The last time i drank was at dirks. It reminded me of how good things were back in leeming. I seen heaps off people i used to go to school with and all of them were all happy and buzzy and it was great.

When people are in a shit mood now i have to travel an hour and ten mintues to get there.. on a bus that stops at 5:43pm each day.. What the fuck is with that!! its like a fucking trap/curfew. The point im making here is i wish i could have the same life in a different location. I dunno how its oging to happen if it does, but i hope it well happen eventually sooner then later..


'Protect me from what i want - Placebo'

In the beggining...

In the beginning of my mandurah move, i could say i had never felt so isolated from everyone in my life.. Now however im starting to really like it down here. Its trips back to my old neighbourhood that just re-enforce my opinions. I was up in leeming for 4 days starting from thursday. I must admit i enjoyed seeing mates but there were also times i just wished i stayed in mandurah.

Thursday was a great day.. I went to 'Blackjack' seen a couple of awesome bands.. Gnarls Barkley exceeded my expectations and totally blew me away. I knew they where going to be a solid act in the line up but he truly was amazing. The Pixies i was unsure about.. as soon as they got on stage though you could feel the stage presense. They hit it off with a light song of which im not sure, but it was a really beautiful song.. I knew after that song that this was going to be a band to remember.

Friday was just as good. I went to a mates for a small party she was having. I didnt relise alcohol was illegal to sell on good friday and therefore i had to turn up empty handed and sober. The good news was the mother was a very generous lady.. she kept feeding me cocktails and all sorts of alcoholic beverages.. Sex on the beach, Mudslides you name it, it was all going down my throat. It was good seeing old mates again aswell. its true though.. some things never change. Simon took his shirt off at the first opportunity he could get. i felt sorry for the boy knowing that everyone around him from that moment on thought he was a tool. I guess him wearing eye shadow only added to the impression. Met a couple of cool guys that night aswell. Nathan and Luke from what i remember. Pretty easy going people, hell easy to chat to. I ended up staying the night.

Saturday morning was looking good. I didn't have a sore head or anything so that was a total bonus for me. We were fed pancakes and various other bits by the host's mother. I decided it was my time to leave and started walking for the bus stop. In half an hours time i reached my bus stop and decided i will go in and just grab a drink quickly. The girl who served me looked a bit ditzy and seemed a bit withdrawn. I get my large coke and go to the bus-stop once again. I get on the bus and ask for my 50cent student fare. He tells me that is only when i use a smart rider which i was holding in my hand. I was scrummaging aorund for an extra 10cents but to no avail i had not a piece of shratnel left. He wouldn't let me on and i had to wait another 30mins for my next bus.

I go into the shopping centre at bullcreek and withdraw $20 from my account. I looked at my reciept and to my suprise i only had 12 bucks left. I had $60 the night before. I went and broke my 20 so i could get on the bus without a lecture of why i shouldn't use Notes on a bus. I finally made it on the bus and was glad to be sitting and relaxing for the first time of the day. I couldn't help but think as to where all my money had gone.. Later turns out the stupid girl at HJ's overwithdrew me when i used eftpos to get my drink. I get off near my aunties house and walk to hers. I get there to see her partner and his friend pulling out the drive way with a trailer. They were moving houses that day. I thought someone would still be in the house but not a soul was in there. They didnt even leave a window open. i sat for 5minutes then thought i would see a friend as i waited for them to get back.

I was sweating like a rape victim.. I had long cargo pants on as it was cold the night before. My phone and anti biotics where inside the house i was locked out of so i couldn't even check the bus times to see if there was one coming frequently past my m8's house. I just decided to keep on walking to his. About another half an hour later i arrived at his. After all the options went through my head of what was going to happen when i seen him, i didnt even stop to think of the option i wouldn't see him. His car was out of the carport but i still decided i would try and knock on his door. No answer and the frustration began to vent in me. I decided fuck walking back.. I waited at a bus stop with a couple of people already there. i thoguht this was a sure sign of a bus about to come, and as it turns out it was. I get on the bus and wait for it to take me down the road and near my aunties. As it looks like it is going past Apsley road it doesnt.. it takes a sharp right onto the road taking me even further from my aunties and to the city.. i thought i had caught the 879 but i accidently caught the 878. I quickly pressed the button and got off at the shopping centre located up the street. i ring my mother with the last of the shratnel i have left and ask her to get my aunty to pick me up.. (cause i didn't know my aunties number as my phone was still in her house) My mother basically told me to get stuffed.. I had had it completely with the whole fucking day so far.. 'FUCK YOU THEN!!' and i hung up and started my long journey back to my aunties.. As cars past i pretended to scratch my hair or yawn to cover up my face as i was close to tears.. My hang over had kicked in.. i was broke and sweating heaps.. I jsut wanted to be back at home in Mandurah. I got back to my aunties and had shaped up. i helped them move the rest of their stuff out the house and then started getting ready for my friends 18th.. I had managed to borrow some money of my aunty for alcohol and as a present for dirk.

I wasnt in the mood for a party after the day but a couple of Canadian Clubs had certainly changed my mind. It was nice seeing dirk. I barely ever see him nowadays. I hardly seen him enough when i was in leeming, so being in mandurah doesnt help. I also caught up with tux and a few friends from my old school and theirs 2 as most of them had graduated. I finally got too meet some of the Dick Smiths crew that dirk and tux had been telling us about aswell which was fun. A few new experiences that night to.. I drnak out of a street cone, i will tell you now it doesnt work as good as i thought it would. My shirt was drenched with beer (the foulest of all drinks followed by goon) I ended up almost passing out in the toilet at his and that was when i relised its about my bed time..

Sunday was long and pretty boring.. I said my farewells in the morning and got picke dup by my aunty. She gave me my clothes and i set off to the city for the long bus trip home. I waited in hopes that my friend josh wouldn't forget to meet me in the city sunday.. I waited over an hour and a half then decided to call it quits and just get the fuck home. The bus ride was great. Probably the most peaceful sleep i had in a while. I was feeling ceedy and couldn't wait to ocntinue this sleep when i got home. It was interrupted by a suprise easter meal with the fmaily on the mandurah foreshore.. I was pretty pissed off. I had work later that night and could not be fucked dining with a bunch of oldies while all the young ones are wrapped up playing with eachother.. I get home and try to squeeze in a nana nap before 6 when i had to be at work. I get 5minutes into it, then my mum storms in and tells me im late for a shift.. i was supposed to be in at 5.. I was already late so i wa sin no mood to rush. I end up going to work and it turns out to be onee of the best shifts i have had in ages. Everyone was in a good mood and no hic-cups occured. I even got a pay rise. I was soo happy.

Anyways that was my long w/e party binge.. Had its ups, & had its downs but that comes with most party w/e's. We get a call from the real estate saying the girl who had set us up with this house had been fired and the lease we had signed had not been filled out yet. They want to know if it is a 6month or 12month lease we had wanted. My mum seen this a perfect opportunity to get out of mandurah as quickly as possible.. But i was kinda gutted. I had really started to come and enjoy this place. I have just started to make some pretty kewl mates.. I was just getting into my music again, i was going to start an acoustic project. I relised how much i would have to leave behind. I would have to leave 'Dropjaw' and give up organising underage gigs.. I dont think i want to leave anymore. What am i to go back to?? the normal? my comfort zone? the friends who cbf'd with me unless its convienent for them?? I like it here. I have everything going for me atm. And i dont feel like giving up on Mandurah just when i think im starting to get a grip on it..

'Where is home' - Bloc Party

Somethings never change...

I had a good day off school today. I had a doctors appointment so it was my excuse out of school. I actually could of handled going to school funnily enough. Im starting to enjoy it. Im making a few friends now so im beggining to settle in heaps better. I also learned a song for some guy in my music class so i wanted to show it off to him. 'Ride the wings of pestilence' - From first to last, to be exact. pretty good song, i suggest people listen to it.

So im at the doctors.. its not until you visit the doctors that you relise how dense the population of over 55's is. When i got my blood test done there were about 8 oldies waiting in there with me before the clinic opened. Their conversations were soo boring. Talking about what their past careers where and all that jazz. I just wanted to get out as soon as possible. Anyway so i get called in to get the result form the blood tests.. turns out my liver is a tad dodgy.. I dont think its a major deal, its not like im abbusing it and pumping it with alcohol (for now) so it should be alright.

Well its true.. some people never change.. Today i am told my brother and father are coming down from Karratha. A 'pleasant' suprise. But its not to visit their families.. its not to visit his 2 sons which he barely see's or speaks to, its to go to the blues and roots festival..

I found it completely selfish, and a really fucking rude thing to do. The least he could do is offer to take us aswell. I think he was planning on not telling us. He expects me to come up and see him this easter aswell. He can totally throw that fucking idea out the window. I did my best for him, i got him his stubby holder he asked for from the big day out the least he could do is appreciate my lengths to please him that little bit. I wish my dad would change sometimes. He is always trying to act like the friend. I dont want another friend i wanna dad. I wish he could just think a bit more logically and a lil less self centred. I thought the man had changed since the last time i seen him.. Somethings never change..

I sent my dad text in spite from him not inviting us to come along or even telling me about it. This isnt the first time he has done sumthing like this. He used to come down form karratha to play golf in perth and not even visit us.. prick.. anyway the txt said 'thanx for the invitation'.. he tried calling us but my phone wa son silent so i didn't hear it. He left a voicemail.. but i couldn't be fucked checking it.. Im hoping he doesnt come visit me now.. I just see him as a stranger again.. I feel like such a bastard but its true.. Things are back to what they used to be..

'Always stays the same, Nothing ever changes' - Placebo

Winter brings fortune...

(It is now past 12 and is a new day. But i may aswell just keep referring to it as tonight for the sake of it being much more easier.)

I can honestly say i do not like drinking.. i like being drunk but i do not enjoy the process of getting there.. So tonight in the St Patricks day spirit, i decided to get midori illusions as they are green in colour. It tasted nice for like the first 2 then i seriously wanted to just chuck the rest out. All you could taste was the sugar and the overly sweetness of all their lil ingredients they put into it.. As If i wasnt sweet enough already. So with drinking comes thoughts so i thought what better time to blog.

So things have took a sudden change for the better i believe.. I haven't found people to hang around with yet, but im definately making a couple of friends. I just want to apoligize for people who read this, as it may contain a few spelling errors due to the fact i been drinking.. But yes im actually feeling alot better this week...

I currently have friends over tonight since we went to the crabfest.. the night was really good all round.. even when the less talented bands such as screams for dylan were playing, we managed to muster up enough conversation to totally block out their constant swearing inbetween songs.. I was starting to think i knew noone in mandurah, but once again this day has proven otherwise. It was good to see my older mates today. I thought it would be nice to take them to a free gig and have drinks at mine afterwards.. and what do you know it was..

I met a couple of cool people while i was handing out flyers trying to promote the nights gig.. My partners in handing them out Luke and Ross were top dudes aswell. I really like Luke, in a friendly way ofcourse. He just seems like a genuinely nice guy, with pretty kewl hair.. Hell down to earth.. i dunno how to explain it so im just going to give up. Maybe it will come to me when i get some of my wits back.

In other news my old group has moved on, and i think i have begun (or began (they both dont look like the right spelling)) to aswell. I still like them as people but i dont think it is going to be one of them friendships that will last forever. Just another sign passing on the road to life kinda thing. It's a shame, they are all nice people. It seems the more time i have spent away from them has made me relize how different we really are form eachother. I would still like to see them now and again though..

So my friends are sleeping on the couch in my living room, while i hog my queen size bed. Within good reason though. Everytime i have had drinks i have never actually slept in my bed that night. I have always got the arse end of the couch which nobody wants :P I did however sacrofice my blanket for them so im not completely evil. Besides there is a couple in my living room so i dunt wanna interupt anything. I hate sleeping alone when others around you have lil snuggle buddies. I can honestly not think of a more lonelier feeling. Maybe its just me but i kinda get down when i see couples all hugging snuggling up and making out, while im alone watching the tv pretending im sublime to it all. I guess thats the rewards for having a partner i guess. But i dont want one. I like being single and not having to care about what i do. But for that reason alone i would get into a relationship without a doubt. I guess just that feeling of security kinda thing. I dont know anymore.. well i do but cant explain that either. im totally not with it tonight. i want to go to bed but i cant sleep cause i have a dry feeling in my eyes. I think i will.. I will label this as possibly the most thoughtless blog i have ever done..


'Somethings sound alot better in my head'

Sympathy.. a strange thing..

Well another week passes. I still haven't found anyone to hang with in my new school. Quite frankly i couldn't give a fuck anymore. If thats how its going to be then so be it. I want to make some solid mates down in mandurah though. My old ones have seemed to move on. I havent seen them in about 5weeks or so. Barely speak to any of them even on msn. Maybe this is what i need though. Like a little sink or swim situation. I can either cling on to my friends and rely on them and not make new ones or i can relise how much i cant rely on them and go out and make myself a couple.

What a week though. I Have recently been getting into PJ Harvey and Obsessed with a Portishead song. I think my music tastes have mellowed or stranged out a bit more. Its not something i wanna brag about but i dunno whats going on with it lately. I have been working 4 nights of this week at KFC. Full of wankers and fucking shit stirrers. Tonight 3 people cried one being my favourite manager. The tension was incredible at the start. Was totally screwed. One girl missed her parents and cried before her shift. We really needed her though but she was still too upset to come out. Half an hour into when her shift started the manager asked her to come out. The girl on lobby had bitch about the manageress's attitude towards the situation. I was so sick of all this backstabbing bullshit that comes with a workplace. I used to say us guys were worst then the girls, but tonight the girls took the cake. Everything was going wrong tonight. Not enough stock was in. Food orders were taking too long. The employee's were constantly at eachothers throats. The Manageress had had enough. She secluded into her office where she sobbed silently. I didnt wanna say anything, i think crying is good for people sometimes. This was one of those times.

I dont know how people pent up such emotions and just keep going on. I haven't cried for ages. The last time i cried was when i was late for work after a big night. I was severely hung over and was coming down from a massive alcohol fueled couple of nights. It was about 11:15am in the morning and i was still sleeping. My mum storms in and tells me work has rang and im 15minutes late for my shift I didnt even know i had. I had looked at the rosters about 3times before that and seen nothing of me working on that day. My head was pounding, my mouth was dry, My weekend was a shit one of which drinking didn't help. I dragged myself into the shower and let the water run donw my face in a lazy effort to wake up. I could barely stand my legs hurt that much from one of the drunken walks i had the night before. AS the water runs down my back i just can't help but think 'why the fuck am i doing this?' I didnt even know why i bothered to go out drinking that night. I hadn't seen my old friends in a while though and thought it would be a good opportunity to catch up. I got dressed and sat outside with my mum. My face was trippin me. My mum was talking to me, but i couldn't seem to sustain a conversation. I just stared into space. My mum asked me if anything was wrong..

Everything just collapsed at that moment. I held on thinking get over it, suck it up its only been a couple of shit weeks it will get better. My eyes filled with tears and i couldn't even talk. It was like the whole fucking world and everyone but my family was out to get me. I was totally fed up. I had just moved to mandurah. My friends made no efforts to catch up at all them past few weeks. But if you mention drinks they will come. When we had drinks that w.e it was fucked. Fucking girl problems everyone was depressed. I was looking forward to seeing them aswell. My whole bus trip was just excitment and thoguhts as to what could happen tonight. I didnt think my mate would almost break up with his gf and one would get desprately love sick. I just had enough of everyone at that time and work was the last place i wanted to be.

I was shocked thursday night. I work with a girl called 'Chantelle'. She isnt all there. But she isn't retarded or anything. She is just has a condition which makes her more childish. She has such a genuine heart. She will always ask people how their day is going, ask if their ok? She is very clumpsy though but its no biggie. People still bitch about her though. I think she knows it to. She likes to eat aswell though. She honestly doesn't care what anyone else thinks about her. She has no shame. I think its great. She isnt an oil painting to look at though, and she wears heavy make up and puts her hair in one big platt. She is so innocent and unspoiled by society. I admit at times she can be a bit full on, but its all in good nature. She isn't afraid to talk to anyone. People use her alot though. She has these supposed friends who use her for free food in exchange for friendship. Very shallow people. She had just finished a shift and wanted something to eat to take home so i served her. She is very polite to me and says what she wants. She makes small talk with me and the 2 people behind her eating figure she isn't all there. When i look up to give chantelle her change i see the 2 laughing behind her back. I was stunned. These people were 2 grown people one female one male. LIke 25 odd. It hit me like a fucking train. This girl would have to go through hell everyday of her life because of some condition she has. Its irreversable and she has this torment constantly until she dies. Here are us selfish beings thinking we got big problems cause of girlfriends and boyfriends, the way we dress, money and all that bullshit that comes with it. This poor girl has been robbed of a normal life. The reality is that she has trouble fitting in with society, making friends, will find it pretty hard to find someone to love, Yet still wears a smile on her face everyday. Still we get complete fuckheads who torment her for it. I cannot describe the way i felt, it wasn't just shock it was like something died inside. I relised how cruel we are as a whole. We judge people on looks and status and don't even try to deny it. When we look at someone for that split second we either know we are better then them or not even worth their time.

I didn't say anything to the couple eating. Chantelle didn't know they were laughing at her anyways so i thought it was best to leave it. I think they knew what they did was out of order though. My face said it all. I wish chantelle could live a normal life though. She is so pure, full of hope. Maybe her way of life is really what a normal life should be. We are all just caught up in the social heirachy we have created though.




'We're in a rush to nowhere...'

New week.. New ways

My manager is one of the idiotic type. I tell her i cannot work wednesday or thursday due to my other commitments of which i finish at 5:30pm and 5:00pm. So she puts me on for both of them days at 6 o'clock.. Pretty idiotic. 'Liam just had a long day at school what could be better, i know some physical labour!' Thats my impersonation of their mind :P

Im looking forward to (almost today) Thursday. I like working at guitar world. Its so easy and is just an escape from school during the week. School is getting better. I have started talking to people more during classes. I must look like a lost sheep at times though :P I just try to keep as quiet as possible at the moment so i dont come off like an utter retard. I still havent found anyone to hang with at recess and lunch though. I have occupied myself at these times by just making use of the library computers and such and looking up infomation on my favourite bands and other musically related things. My favourite class would have to be english at the moment. I still find it one of my more relaxed classes. Plus Michael is in there and he is a pretty easy person to talk to.

I got a suit for the ball today. It cost my almost 200bucks but its totally worth it. Its the only suit i have felt comfortable in. It doesnt make me look macho or anything either it fits me perfectly. Im not going to say im in love with it but its a fucking awesome suit. I have also lost all trust in my big brother. That asshole :P

My trip in Karratha was a memorable one. I went out heaps, partied and chilled at times, was great. It seems everything i have done though has came back to haunt me. Not accidently or by some off chance but because my big brother cannot keep his mouth shut. He dobbed me in for smoking a couple of times in karratha. Quite pathetic really i know.. I only do it when i drink anyways just a casual thing.. i can't bare even loking at one when im sober. But to the point, he told my dad everything and my dad was subtly angry at me but played it cool. He rings me up 4 weeks later claiming he has been trying to ring me for the past 3months on my new home phone. there are 2 things wrong here;

i) I was up in karratha less then 3months ago..
ii) I havent even been in my ne whouse for 3months.

i just carried on the conversation for a while. He told me pretty much to not smoke and i dont need to, to be kewl. I already knew this (can you hear my own trumpet blowing) but i honestly dont do it for that reason. its not peer pressure or because its a part of an image im trying to create. Its merely cause it leaves a wierd taste in my mouth i have grown to kinda enjoy. If anyone wants to do something i reckon go for it. I think as humans we thrive on curiosity. We dont need the general public to make our minds up about what we can or can't do. I mean within reason ofcourse be safe about things. But the way i feel is if your not harming anyone else then how is it anyone elses business.

'Blame society, everyone else does'

Things are looking better...

I week or so has passed since i last blogged. Things are still the same but there is a glimour of hope and i think things may get better...

Im coping with Mandurah Campus a bit better. I have some people to talk to during class now which is a hell bonus, but i still have noone to hang out with. Im not doing so well physically though. I have lost weight and im starting to worry about myself. Maybe it was because i was to intimidated to go the canteen at school alone or maybe i am just too busy thinking about other things then to bother about eating. I wasnt really aware i lost weight until one of my mums friend told me. I took a look at an old photo and relised how much weight i had lost in my face and torso. It scares me sumtimes. I think dying of starvation would be a horrible way of dying. I dunno why but maybe how i percieve myself is totally different to how other would look at me. Maybe i see myself as being a normal figure and looking okay but maybe thats cause its what i want to see. If someone bar myself was to look at me i wonder if i would look the same?? just some wierd thoughts i know but hey..

I have met some pretty kewl people over the past week. My english class i would have to say is by far one of my favourites. Its probably one of the only classes i feel completely comfortable in. I met a pretty kewl dude in there who lives kinda close. He has good taste of music but he is more just a laugh if anything. He is hell tanned though, he makes me look like reflex paper compared to him. I have also volunteered to work for Peel Music Foundation. At first i thought what a stupid idea but it seems to be an okay thing to get into. The people there are really nice and out-going to. I was complimented on a placebo shirt i wore at school aswell.. thats seriously made my week.

I think my personality is slowly changing now that im in mandurah. I used to be soo out-going and flamboyant and just a total nut but in mandurah im completely subdued and afraid to come off as a complete dickhead. I miss my old friends, i wish i could see them a little more. It seems the annoying little quirky thing and traits each of them had are what i miss the most at the moment. It sound so cleche but its true. I miss the way we used to argue and play fight, the way we spoke to each other all our little inside jokes even the way we bitched. I sometimes wonder why we moved to mandurah at all. We originally done it because we were thinking it would be a good change. I dunno maybe it is and im still just adapting to it.

Time will tell...

MSC... Mandurahs Socially Challenged

So its been a total of almost 2weeks in my new school. The first week i understand that alot of people were easing back into school or starting aswell, So i was optimistic about this second week. I find it hard to believe how Socially retarded Mandurah Senior Campus is. You think atleast one person would have the guts or some sort of courage to approach me whilst sitting all alone by my fucking self and ask how i was or say hello. I must admit there are 2 people who have been nice to me, but as much i think their kewl they are not my age. Sam is a boy i work with, and he is a really nice guy. I find him a bit more intellectual and its probably the fact he is not from mandurah. He is infact a Kiwi or from New zealand for some few that may not know what a kiwi means. Today and a while ago he has cheered me up at school when i have had noone to talk to. I was in the cafeteria standing on my own so sam asked his group to wait there and came and stood with me to make me look less lonely. I thought this was a very kind gesture but i still havent thanked him for it. He is in year 11 though and as stupid as it may seem i want to have yr 12 friends to be with so i know people in my classes and at assemblys whom i can talk to. Sam is still a totally kewl guy, he has made my days better on many ocassions.

Today i got picked up from school and was on the verge of an outburst. I always try my best not to, unless im in deep deep physical pain. I got in the car and my mum asked me what was wrong. I have recently been lying saying all is good, im meeting new people its great, it will be really good in a weeks time. Today i felt like what i have been going through now is just going to continue through my yr 12 year. I talk to people in music who share common interests, they see me sitting infront of my school listening to my ipod and txting people yet still wont just come over to say hello or even ask how im doing. I swear to god mandurah is the most slowest and thickest place i have ever lived in. I have lived in Karratha for fuck sake so thats saying something. You think a teacher would notice and try something but noo if it takes effort in mandurah, its not going to happen in mandurah.

I just find it so hard to believe people can be so ignorant. All i want is a friend who can show me the ropes and make me feel welcome. Its not that much to ask im sure if someone gives me a bit of direction i could go the whole course by myself. If things haven't changed im either going to start TAFE or possibly go back to leeming high school.

I can dare to dream right??

My Dream love,

I am just doing my usual day to day things when i notice someone. Everything is in a haze and goes like a blur but i cant help but keep this someone in focus, Their eyes are immaculate and are being complimented by the surroundings be it sun or light. The way they do things make me love them more. I long to know what their name is. By some off chance or strange coincidence they approach me and we both look at eachother as if we were meant to be sorta thing. There are no words just purely actions. I think words could spoil everything about them. I would go home thinking about them. Wondering if i will ever see them again, wondering if they were wondering about me to. Living in a doubt as to if we will meet again by some odd circumstances.

This is what i wait for in life. What i would percieve as that thing people spend a lifetime for, True love. It has happened before. I wish i got their name. It could of been so easy.

I was sitting waiting for my bus back to mandurah. I seen them with a friend of theirs, They were beautiful. Beautiful lips, Lucious eyes and lovely hair. At the time i didnt relise it though. I wanted to get their name but didnt know how. Suddenly a friend came and sat next to me. We started talking about past incidents and mindless chatter. I just wanted them to go so i could approach this person i seemed to have been lusting for. They left too late. I had to go on my bus by the time they finally left me. I was really dissapointed. I got on the bus and sat down (as a normal person would do) but subtly beating myself up for not approaching this person. Would i ever see them again? Was this a one off thing? I was so pissed off with myself.

The bus was leaving in 3minutes. As i sat by the window watching the world go by they ran down the stairs with their friend and got on my bus. It was my luck, my second wind if u must. They sat down at the back of the bus. I was parked in the middle. I thought i would get up and talk to them. But once again i listened to my head and not my heart and decided it was best not to. I didnt want to come off as a creep. As they walked past me as the left the bus at their stop, they accidently bumped my head and woke me up. One last gaze at their face as they apoligized and that was them for possibly the rest of my life. I watched them as the bus passed. We both looked at eachother. It was as if we kinda felt the same. I wish i had another chance.

I been trying to find them since. Trying to recognise them in a crowd is hard though. I purposely missed busses at one stage in a hope to find them and catch the bus with them again. But i havent seen them since.

Im just another hopeless romantic...

Australia day.. the letdown

So i wake up really early for work the morning after and think it was a shit idea staying for australia day.
Australia day was a crock of shit full stop. We met up with the crew and tried finding my mates gf. It was pretty ridiculous, she was supposedly near us at one point but in the end we didnt see her. I just wanted to get pissed and somehow get home. I liked seeing shannyn and nathan though. It was great, i hadnt seen them for sometime.

School work with a twist of rejection...

The poisonous mixture which i can say is almost breaking me at this present date. As i sit here typing away ever so freely i cant help but fear the worst for this new school i have moved to. I expected some good things from Mandurah Senior Campus but alas have not seen one thing i can call a complete positive for me. I honestly thought this could be a good change for me. I dont know what to think so far but maybe im being a premature with my thoughts and should give it more time. Time will tell..


Feb 1st (The First day of my New school)


I hadn't previously had any worries as to what the new school would be like. I was assured there were many other new students to year 12 in the campus and that i would be fine. I still couldn't help but stress. I woke up in the morning at 3 i believe out of my sub-concious worries of starting school today. I couldn't seem to calm down so i went for a shower and was fine. I was awaken at 7:30pm. This is a luxury compared to the time i would wake up for leeming high school. I quickly ate my breakfast and chucked on the school shirt with me denim 3 quarter length pants on. I headed for the car. It started to hit me that i was finally going to start my first day at a completely foriegn school. The only people i knew were the few yr 11's that i had worked with, but didnt choose to talk to them as i felt it could of ruined my rep before i had got some. I walked into the greeting assembly late. Everyone tends to look at you when you walk in all gobsmacked at how many people there are. The amount of people here shit on the amount of yr 12's in leeming. I just quietly made my way to the side as there were no seats left. To my utmost joy i wasnt the only one late as about another 20 people flocked in afterwards. The assembly was short and sweet and i was eager to get into a comfort zone of a class.

My first and only class for that day was Structured workplace learning (SWL) and it was just listening to the contracts and inductions talks of the whole course. All pretty straight forward but i knew noone, so i sat on a chair behind the semi circle of desks and just completed my forms from there. I then went to the library to fill out a worksafe certificate. I had to pass a quiz on the computer. It took me 3times but i finally passed it. It turns out the guy next to me liked radiohead so i used that as a common topic of interest during conversation. Dominic Spear i believe his name to be. He and his friend seemed pretty kewl but for now they were just aqquaintances. We broke for lunch, and it all became a bit overwhelming. I couldn't see one recognisable face amongst the vast mixture of yr 11 and 12 students. I decided to just txt my friends at leeming in a bid to forget i was at the campus. I even txt my mum teeling her about my day and reassuring her all was well. After about 10mins i was really feeling uncomfortable and decided to just sit in my class i had next. The teachers talked to me in an effort to make me feel at ease. I just wanted to sit down and relax though. The day ended and i thought it was pretty average for a first day... I thought to myself 'Don't worry liam, you have media tomorrow.. there are bound to be people who share the same interests in there.. But as Feb 2 had it, no there weren't any.



Feb 2nd (I know where the english block is at the school now)

Worry is kicking in but i still got a better night sleep. I woke up in a cheery mood, which is unusual compared to the normal scarcastic mood i usually wake up in. I decided not to eat breakfast as i wasnt starving or really that hungry and the fact i was already running late of schedule for school. I arrived at school with high hopes. People might of known i was new by now and make an effort to talk to me. I was hoping anyways, i just waited and seen how the day progressed. I go to my english class. I arrive kinda on time but still one or 2minutes later then i should have supposedly done. I sat down next to some preppie girls as all they boys were shunned off by surrounding patrons of the class. A girl rockd up late called daniel. She had the choice of me or a very wierd nervous like girl. She choose me thankfully. The nervous girl had friends beside her though so dont pity her too much. BUt she was also new to the school. Daniel her name is, she came from south fremantle high school, where my mates jayde and tanya 'studied'. We ended up having a good conversation and thought today was going to be a good day. I ended up having a 2 hour break before my next class. I wasnt sure if i didi so i went to my class to check. I accidently walked in on a year 11 class whilst doing so but hey, better sooner then sorry. For the whole 3 hours break i waited at the front of the school posing as if my mum was to pick me up. This made me seem less lonerish but it was really hot during the process. I thought atleast one person would have talked to me being new, you know someone to show me the ropes.. but no. Its very pretentious At MSC. As there is no dress code people usually dress to impress and tease others about what they are wearing. IM sure i will get to the stage where i will venture in with my placebo shirt on.. Maybe this monday for music in society but meh.

I got sick of waiting for 'my mum to pick me up' so i decided to grab a bite to eat. I must say the food is many times better then the shite people have at leeming. Coke, Vanilla coke, powerade, lasagna, beef rolls, sushi, pasta's it was a buffet. but not for free unfortunately. I was wondering around looking like a lost puppy when a workmate Sam seen me in strife and hung with me for a brief moment. I was really thankful he did, he is a wonderful kid really. I love working with him, very polite and never wrongs you. He is also a bit of a looker ladies so lemme know :P (you will have to take a number after me ahaha jks)

Media started. There was a 1:8 boy to girl ratio. All the guys seemed really quite 'geeky' except for one who was wearing an 'At the drive in' band shirt. i thought of mustering up enough courage to start a conversation but i put it to rest. Well seemed noone in the class shared any common interests. I sat alone again and talked to absolute noone. Its a very good way to put yourself in a neutral position between dickhead and alright guy, so i used it to my 'advantage'. The day was long and boring. Thinking about BDO kept me going. As i get in the car and tell my mother it was good i relised I seriously miss my old school.

Why did we move?, we had it all...

Tired, and lonesome..

I haven't slept well for almost a week now. Maybe it's getting use to the perth weather and lifestyle again or maybe its something else. I have recently moved houses upon my arrival back into perth. Now i have moved even further from them i consider my friends. I resent moving to madnurah more and more each day. I cant hang out with people like i used to. I dont think people want to hang out with us much, since my move to mandurah. Im using my aunties computer atm. I have no phoneline in the new house, but when its up i get an internet connection in my room for the computer..

i think im at a time of searching... i dunno what i want though. maybe this whole blog is just me overthinking and analysing my life up to this point.

A few mixed feelings...

Oh how my view has changed...

I was actually subtly shitting myself as i went to visit my Father and Big brother up in Karratha. I hadn't seen them in a while and we hadnt really seen eye to eye for a while. I was expecting lectures and arkward silences in the car coming home from the airport. I thought if i expected the worst, and it turned out being ok, it would still be a worthwhile trip where i can say it was better then i expected. I dunno its hard to explain. But i use this technique alot. I try not to expect too much of things so if they turn out shit im not dissapointed and if they turn out great im ecstatic. it works for me.

Anyways. The plane trip was a crock of shit. The mining company must of cheaped out big time. We sat right at the back (me and my lil brother that is) and got a lovely view of the turbine. We could honestly not see anything else. But it didnt bother me too much. I just soldiered on listening to 'Placebo' and 'The dresden dolls' mainly to get me through the flight. It went alot quicker then i thought it would. It could be that the technique prevailed, maybe other factors of which im not sure of.

I arrived in Karratha. 'Good country' it means in aborigine speech. To my ears it meant a miners town where the only thing to do was go to the pub or get pissed to forget your there. Alot of the times you could do both. So i go through to be greeted by my dad and brother. I had been trying not to shave the week before i came to Karratha. I believe my father said ' I looked like shaggy from Scooby-doo'.. Oh yes he knows how to compliment a kid doesnt he.

After a day of settling in, things were looking up for me. My brother took me to a 'party' to meet a few of his country friends. It was anything but a party. There were 3girls of which none were attractive and about 6 dudes. There was the typical 20year old trying to get into a 16yr old with his respect for women bullshit. I honestly dont mind people having respect for women but i hate the way they over use it to patronise others to make themselfs look better. He was an utter ass. But the night turned out good besides a few details.

The week went past soo fast.. But over the week me and my dad had been building a much needed father son relationship. The thing is i hadn't really had a proper relationship with my dad for about 5 years. I was always seen as the mummies boy out of the three of us. I wasnt as wild as he wanted me to be when i was young. While my big brother would be playing soccer, i would of been picking out dandilions and picking at grass on the pitch, instead of paying attention. Instead of picking up bugs like the others i would of screamed and ran off. I must admit i am definately more of a mummies boy then a daddies prize posession.

After the divorce i had always been alot more shyer around my dad. We had no sort of connection at all. I couldn't talk to him about things i am thinking boys at a young age would talk about to their parents. Probably sex, drinking and what not. The tension for the last 2years had been slowly but surely building up between us. I didnt mind, i was starting to resent the man. I felt he had resent for me aswell cause i always stuck up for mum. It got to the stage where there were constant arguements and heated outbursts over money and all that trivial bullshit that comes along with it.

But this time trip was something different. We actually had respect for one and other and relised our faults. It was good to finally see eye to eye for once. I felt we had started sumthing special this time. Like a relationship which could only get better. But when all was looking good, my visit had came to an end. I wasnt ready to leave. I started liking the country again along with the family and the people that came with it. It reminded me of the good days when all me and my big brother had to worry about was 'what time we should go to the park to play with the other locals'.. The warm nights brought me back to my youth, when it was all so simple. Sometimes i wonder what things would be like if none of this had happened and my parents were still together. Where would i be? and who would i be today?

I was time to depart from the airport. I could barely sleep the night before. I seirously didnt think i was ready to leave. I just needed a little more time to patch things up and make sure things were normal. I could feel myself choking up and my eye's well as i was walking through the metal detector. I was trying to hold back from crying. I hugged my big brother of which i had learned alot fromover the week and hugged my dad. I could feel it hurt him also to see me leaving so soon. I put on my sunglasses and said goodbye. I just wanted to avoid talking at all costs incase i end up bursting out into tears. It was a fragile moment. I was on the plane. Still at the back, and a turbine blovking my view from the outside. I was listening to 'teardrops' by Massive attack as the plane was leaving. Not a good thing. A really beautiful song which could of sumed up my whole experience in karratha. As the plane left the ground i could feel my lip quiver and the tears beginning to flow. I was trying hard to make it as un-suspicious as possible for my lil brother..

I wasn't ready to leave, this wasn't my time to go