Closure..

I have my license now.. I'm not sure if i mentioned that in my last blog but just a reminder. It's come in handy but i'm starting to realize how much the price of petrol is effecting how much i have to spend. I have been given the family car to drive because our Nana has lent her luxury car to my mother to looks after. I'm not actually bothered about not driving my Nana's car though.. I would rather crash something worth around $7,000 to that of a Grandeur whose price tag i have no clue about.

Anyway, things have been full of ups and downs lately. People must be saying 'fuck sake Liam, whats new?!' in which i would reply 'Hey... Shut up' I am in good spirits though as these last few days are filled with closure which is much needed at this moment in time. I seen the Kid who i met at the Christmas padgent at another foreshore event called 'Crabfest'. This would be the first time in person since that day. I almost forgot what he looked like. He was with his Girlfriend, she was gorgeous. I think i hit it off with her that night more so then the kid himself.

I told her how i thought she was gorgeous and how when i first seen her boyfriend i thought he was a babe. We just clicked, i thought it was going to be awkward but as the night unfolded it was the complete opposite. Here was me worrying the past few days thinking 'Shit what happens if he doesn't go to Crab fest?' and 'Will we be strangers?' and then we seen each other and all was good. It was real closure to me, i thought was a hated boy.

I left my car at Dylan's that night, knowing i was going to be drunk, and that i would be in no state to drive home. I didn't even see him the whole night until i got back to his place, pretty pissy. I thought his mum was annoyed that i rocked up at her place drunk, but i asked Dylan if it was ok and he said sure so i wasn't to know any better. I stepped inside and asked for a glass of water to sober up a little. Luke, (his Girlfriend) Sharni and I were doing shots of almost straight vodka before we left.. I don't think it actually hit us until an hour after though. We sat in the same vacant block Luke and I first got drunk in before players that night, and kept drinking until dark.

We were making absolute dick heads of ourselves and now that i think of it maybe the alcohol hit us sooner as we were telling people 'Merry Christmas!' as if it was the Christmas padgent all over again. The joke got old after a while and we continued to hang around chicken treat and say hello to everyone we knew and even people we only just met. I Have to say as well i thought it was going to be awkward seeing Dylan that night, but things were the same.

A few days before i think it was Saturday, i couldn't stop crying all day. No matter what i did, i would just breakdown in tears. I think i had just had enough and some of the thoughts running through my head that day were assuring me off this. I actually think i suffer form some sort of mild depression. I don't say this in wanting people to empathize/sympathize for me but i just don't think 'normal' people would think about some of the thoughts i do.

That day it was like i was telling myself 'Is this all worth it? is anything going to change? you could leave it here'. It has happened before though. Sometimes i think maybe what im going through will never change, and is this really a life you wanna be living? I don't know if its me being selfish, or maybe its through the thoughts of how i will effect others, but whatever it is, i think it has stopped me taking my life on numerous occasions.


I told Dylan about it. He comes out with some of the most caring things i have heard from someones mouth. I had to tell him something else as well though. 'I'm not in love with you anymore, but sometimes you tell me things, and im not sure if im ready to listen'. I mean usually im ok with hearing who he has been with and along them lines, but other times i get so jealous. I envy the people he gets with, just knowing its always going to be out of reach. But i hate being jealous of my friends. I'm jealous hearing about most of my friends sex life cause currently i have fucking none of my own :P

But i couldn't help but feel like i had failed him as friend. And this is what i believe triggered my little bout of depression that happened that day. I don't wanna be jealous of him, i want him to be happy, and i want him to be happy knowing that im happy. I wanted to talk to Judd about it so i asked him to come around. He was in Perth, but he said he would come back and he did, but it wasn't till much later that night. I'm glad he wanted to help though. But i couldn't calm myself down. I grabbed my keys, and drove to the beach lookout. I just sat in the car, listening to sad songs, and cried my heart out as i watched the tides come in.


'I've been dangerous, too long' - Portishead