so i hit another downer mood.. just a 2 week lull thing, im sure it will pass. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. I dont think i feel like seeing anyone at the moment. If i could just lye in bed and live a lonly existance for the next couple of weeks i would. I think school is the only thing stopping me from 'achieving' this. I had a bath tonight. It makes a good change from the 3 minute showers we have been reduced to. Its not cause we have to have 3 minute ones we just choose to after the parentals viewed a programme on the ABC about water wastage.
I try my best to try and start a somewhat deep conversation with my much loved peers on the internet. seemed to be quite the challenge for some but eventually i found an intellect. We got chatting, made small talk.. but then we got thinking. I asked them 'What is your biggest fear?'...
I dont think anyone goes through life and can say im not afraid of anything. We all have our doubts, we all fear the worst so dont be fooled. The answer i got back was no suprise, i was somewhat hoping they would say it. "Dying alone".. I always thought this fear was a mid-life sort of problem, but now i see different. Noone wants to be alone. Everyone craves affection & we are all softies at heart. I would say my biggest fear is dying alone to. Just the thought of me spending my life searching for a companion and then leaving the world alone scares me.
Maybe this is why i am a bitter being so to speak. I find when my friends get girlfriends or boyfriends I can't help but feel a little left in the dust. I am happy for them finding someone and being able to confide in me about it, but at the same time i just feel like they are slowly being taken away from me. I can't help but feel a little upset at the same time. I dont think its attention seeking, i never want to be like that. Its people who create problems for themselves i despise.
I doubt myself. Everything goes smoothly and then there is just a sudden slump.. The wierd thing is i tend to get into histerics when im feeling low aswell. Something slightly funny strikes me as comdey gold and i am all teary eyed form laughing so hard. Maybe its my way of picking myself back up. I dunno but it seems logical. I start pouring my heart out to my friend on the net. I feel so embaressed when i do it. I always reveal to much and feel i burden other people with problems of my own. It always seems to me that when my friends are up, i'm feeling down and when I'm up their down.
1 day passed from when i started this draft and finished the final copy
My essay went swimmingly. I could barely think, its what late nights blogging do to you i guess. I went through the day half arsed. Its probably the effort teachers at MSC could only expect form the best of students. I read about obesity, prostitution and then fell asleep in the library during lunch. I have Bianca to thank for waking me up before lunch was over.
I seen my friend who i poured my heart out to at the end of the day. Its usually a relief when you walk out of the school but my worries weren't over until i was safely in the car. I didn't wanna make contact today. It would be arkward, i just told this kid my life and go on with my 'normal student at school' persona. I dont wanna wear my life on my sleeves. If people want to know if something is wrong they can puzzle over it, not just look at me and think 'mmm nice lil sad act he has going, lets go tlak as if we care'. There is my inner bitter being. Just a flash but there you go. Now i feel like i have contradicted myself by saying 'I dont wanna wear my life on my sleeves' then i go blogging about it on the world wide web. (thats were the www comes from for dumbasses)
I dont do these blogs as a cry for attention. But i dont really care too much if people read them or not. I feel like i could be helping people by letting them relate to me. I try and be as truthful as possible in my blogs to the point in which i have to edit them because they are getting way to personal. If someone reads this and thinks 'Well atleast i know im not the only one' or can say 'I know what your going through' then i feel like i have brought about some peace of mind which in turn makes me feel a little better. I think it would pretty interesting to see how much i have matured in a few years by reading these aswell..
Well im going to bed.. I have a saturday off. I cant see any significant events happening from the 29th till the new month so this will be my last blog for June..
'If the slipper fits you wear it' - The Dresden Dolls
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Thursday, June 21, 2007
What the fuck is wrong with me..
Tonight i felt like bursting into tears for no apparent reason.. i felt so stupid but maybe its just a part of growing up. I always cry when im confused or get really angry.. Me and my Aunty are more alike eachother then we think. We both have blonde hair and blue eyes.. freckles and a similar sense of humour.. But its not just physically but mentally aswell. If i argue with someone or fight (fists and stuff) i dunno why but i dont get angry i just cry.. its really soo stupid.. It's such a childish thing to do and possibly at the worst of times. Your trying to show how strong you can be, i dont think tearing up about it will help much at all..
no suprise to those who read this.. but i have lost weight again.. i put it back on form the previous time but i have lost some again.. I have just had my tongue pierced though.. so i couldn't really eat any solids for a couple of days. its all good though. My speech is almost back to normal and i am eating as unhealthy as i was before.. Ok i came up with the conclusion as to why i got so upset.. They dont know.. well either of them but i think this is it.. My old friend Josh to whom i never speak to anymore.. he reminds me soo much of Luke.. The way they talk, the way they get the girls, the way they dress, the way they wear their hair and have their lip pierced.. it scares me at how similar they really are..
We met under the same circumstances.. I was in yr 11 and Josh was in yr 12.. Now im in yr 12 and Luke is in yr 11.. Josh just moved school after year 11, so did i to MSC.. We met through a love of music.. I was really shy around them at first because i didn't wanna jeopardise what could of been a possibly great friendship. We became good friends through showing each other music and through a special love for Placebo. We worked with eachother at fast food. Josh dyed his hair all different colours, hung out at late night.. so does luke.. Josh bought WOW and found a gf and we stopped talking.. Luke bought WOW..
Luke is the best guy i have at the moment.. Sam and luke that is. I just dont wanna do it all again.. A good few months partying it up with them while they slowly become more obsessed and more hermited/crippled by a game.. Everyone says friends before some video game. Do you think these people who are on WOW for a living didn't say that? I think im afraid im going to lose Luke and i shouldn't even talk like this its so selfish.. The boy has done more for me then i could ever imagine. He visits me in the library when im lonely, speaks to me on msn, cheers me up and listens, accepts me for who i am.. I should have more faith in the boy..
I guess im just worried. It kinda upsets me how quick things can change and how quick things can die.. I think im a very jealous person.. When people find people to love i immediately think 'well thats me done..' and just assume i will be seeing less of them. I find myself thinking.. Was it them that has changed that made us fall out or was it me? did i change how i see them and think of them?...
' you are the one.. ' - Placebo
no suprise to those who read this.. but i have lost weight again.. i put it back on form the previous time but i have lost some again.. I have just had my tongue pierced though.. so i couldn't really eat any solids for a couple of days. its all good though. My speech is almost back to normal and i am eating as unhealthy as i was before.. Ok i came up with the conclusion as to why i got so upset.. They dont know.. well either of them but i think this is it.. My old friend Josh to whom i never speak to anymore.. he reminds me soo much of Luke.. The way they talk, the way they get the girls, the way they dress, the way they wear their hair and have their lip pierced.. it scares me at how similar they really are..
We met under the same circumstances.. I was in yr 11 and Josh was in yr 12.. Now im in yr 12 and Luke is in yr 11.. Josh just moved school after year 11, so did i to MSC.. We met through a love of music.. I was really shy around them at first because i didn't wanna jeopardise what could of been a possibly great friendship. We became good friends through showing each other music and through a special love for Placebo. We worked with eachother at fast food. Josh dyed his hair all different colours, hung out at late night.. so does luke.. Josh bought WOW and found a gf and we stopped talking.. Luke bought WOW..
Luke is the best guy i have at the moment.. Sam and luke that is. I just dont wanna do it all again.. A good few months partying it up with them while they slowly become more obsessed and more hermited/crippled by a game.. Everyone says friends before some video game. Do you think these people who are on WOW for a living didn't say that? I think im afraid im going to lose Luke and i shouldn't even talk like this its so selfish.. The boy has done more for me then i could ever imagine. He visits me in the library when im lonely, speaks to me on msn, cheers me up and listens, accepts me for who i am.. I should have more faith in the boy..
I guess im just worried. It kinda upsets me how quick things can change and how quick things can die.. I think im a very jealous person.. When people find people to love i immediately think 'well thats me done..' and just assume i will be seeing less of them. I find myself thinking.. Was it them that has changed that made us fall out or was it me? did i change how i see them and think of them?...
' you are the one.. ' - Placebo
Monday, June 11, 2007
There are good people in the world.. you need to wake up at 5 to get them though..
So i started this off talking about my more recent events.. But then i got thinking chronilogically and this is how it is. I went to my dad's the last long w/e. He lives in Karratha, a small country town about 2400km North of Perth (correct me if im wrong). I had lived there for much of my childhood and feel its necessary to go back everynow and again to see how things have changed or rather how little things have. The place is still the same, just more drugs i guess.. So we left to fly up at about 1.. missed out plane at about 3.. then had to catch the next one which was thankfully at 4 o'clock. Luck was on our side on this fine friday.
I was greeted by my Dad and Older Brother Alan at the airport. I still give my big brother shit for dobbing me in for smoking but we are all good now. You can't hate family, its just short term dislike 99.9% of the time. (As you can probably tell i just made up that statistic but eh). We get home and Alan and I decided the most intelligent thing to do was to get hammered and play a drinking game. That whole night went in fast motion.. I was actually quite proud of myself for drinking beer. Im not doing it again however. I woke up at 3 to find myself running out of of bed, accidently running into my older brothers room, then atlast to the toilet to throw up.. I can barely remember the whole night bar that incident.
I was woken by a horrible smell.. See the thing is, when your sober you think a bit more logically, but i was drunk.. Instead of holding my hair back when throwing up i just blatently vomited everywhere.. Even in my dreads.. It took about 3 washes to get out completely but its ok :P I walk down the hall to get breakfast to find black spots of vomit on the ground and even next to the toilet and even on the toilet door. I got my bitch gloves on and started cleaning up.. I know what your thinking 'oh god what a thing to be talking about..' im sorry but it was a highlight.. Im still trying to think how it could of got on the toilet door, especially if it was behind me :S
The rest of the trip was pretty straight foward.. There was a reason to my dad wanting me to come up there. It's not something im going to go where on my sleeve's however.. Besides things can turn out to be ok for all we know.. We will just have to wait it out. But for now im going to talk about more recent events..
I went out this w/e.. which makes a good change. I always complain about not going out so when the opportunity came up i was quick to jump to it. It was my friend Ashleys 17th.. She is a nice girl. Known her since primary school. Her mother was my little brothers Kindy teacher so there is some connection between the family (be it little or large). There was some slight complications though. I had to work the next morning at 10am. This girl lived in Perth, i lived in Mandurah.. I decided i would rather go to work talking about how good a night i had, then listen to others shit on about theirs.
I get there with my Best mate Caz.. Yet another brilliant person. She is soo amazing, and very out there. She isn't fake she is so realistic about things. This is something i admire in people. I love people who can be blunt, and just say stuff how it is. Everyone needs to be more open about things. If people have questions, give them honest answers. It saves a harsh reality for most in the long run. Anyway i go to the party.. There was 5 of us for most the night. Suddenly a flood of about 20people come in. I thoguht they were gate crashers at first but no the cavalry had arrived. I seen an Old friend 'Luke' from when i last had drinks with Ashley. Was good to see how he was going. My views on Lukes have been changed due to this Luke and Luke Smedley. I used to think all people named Luke were arseholes.. But seriously nicest people i know.. The night was definately worth it. We reflected on primary school days and past encounters we had, and Charlie the Unicorn. 'Shun the non-Believers.. Shun...'
I wake up at 5ish to creep around the house gathering my bits and pieces whilst trying not to wake the other up. It was a waste of time as i needed someone to shut the door behind me anyway for it to close properly. I have never been so cold in my life. I was thankful i accidently packed 2 jumpers.. I had an undershirt, t-shirt, long sleeve, long sleeve jumper and a long sleeve jacket and still felt the harsh cold morning. It was pitch black, and i was walking alone. I was waiting for someone to jump out from the bushes i passed, or get egged again (in referal to a street drinking we had a few months back) but luck was still with me. The street lights flicked off and the Sun started rising as i waited for my bus at Murdoch Park and ride. I was silently singing to myself when i noticed a man in black 2 bus stops down from me. All i could really make out was the distant flame he appeared to have going. He soon came over and talked to me. He was the security guard who watched the Train Station while it was being built. He and I were the only 2 there. He had told me he was doing an 8 Hour shift which finished at 7:30am. This was when the first bus to the city was available for me. He said he was lighting a fire before to keep him warm. I couldn't blame him, i have never seen my nose so red from the cold. He left for a lil while. I decided i would use my bag as a pillow and sleep a little before my bus came. He came back 10minutes later to my suprise with 2 coffees. He offered me one and he told me all about himself.
He used to be a Conductor on a train. He said he hated it. Everyone has an instant hate for these people but this guy was different. He only fined people who kicke dup a stink about not having a ticket. He had colleagues that fined 76yr olds for not have their pensioners card when purchasing tickets. He told me how after 60 people should be left to their own device, they had been through enough. I agreed completely. Just imagine how much a 60yr old had seen compared to a mere teen like myself. I think the elderly generaiton gets neglected. We could learn so much from them if we opened our ears and listened to them once and a while. I finished the rest of my coffee the man had offered me and picked at the spyrofoam cup. With that our bus came..
'Waiting for the 7.18 - Bloc Party'
I was greeted by my Dad and Older Brother Alan at the airport. I still give my big brother shit for dobbing me in for smoking but we are all good now. You can't hate family, its just short term dislike 99.9% of the time. (As you can probably tell i just made up that statistic but eh). We get home and Alan and I decided the most intelligent thing to do was to get hammered and play a drinking game. That whole night went in fast motion.. I was actually quite proud of myself for drinking beer. Im not doing it again however. I woke up at 3 to find myself running out of of bed, accidently running into my older brothers room, then atlast to the toilet to throw up.. I can barely remember the whole night bar that incident.
I was woken by a horrible smell.. See the thing is, when your sober you think a bit more logically, but i was drunk.. Instead of holding my hair back when throwing up i just blatently vomited everywhere.. Even in my dreads.. It took about 3 washes to get out completely but its ok :P I walk down the hall to get breakfast to find black spots of vomit on the ground and even next to the toilet and even on the toilet door. I got my bitch gloves on and started cleaning up.. I know what your thinking 'oh god what a thing to be talking about..' im sorry but it was a highlight.. Im still trying to think how it could of got on the toilet door, especially if it was behind me :S
The rest of the trip was pretty straight foward.. There was a reason to my dad wanting me to come up there. It's not something im going to go where on my sleeve's however.. Besides things can turn out to be ok for all we know.. We will just have to wait it out. But for now im going to talk about more recent events..
I went out this w/e.. which makes a good change. I always complain about not going out so when the opportunity came up i was quick to jump to it. It was my friend Ashleys 17th.. She is a nice girl. Known her since primary school. Her mother was my little brothers Kindy teacher so there is some connection between the family (be it little or large). There was some slight complications though. I had to work the next morning at 10am. This girl lived in Perth, i lived in Mandurah.. I decided i would rather go to work talking about how good a night i had, then listen to others shit on about theirs.
I get there with my Best mate Caz.. Yet another brilliant person. She is soo amazing, and very out there. She isn't fake she is so realistic about things. This is something i admire in people. I love people who can be blunt, and just say stuff how it is. Everyone needs to be more open about things. If people have questions, give them honest answers. It saves a harsh reality for most in the long run. Anyway i go to the party.. There was 5 of us for most the night. Suddenly a flood of about 20people come in. I thoguht they were gate crashers at first but no the cavalry had arrived. I seen an Old friend 'Luke' from when i last had drinks with Ashley. Was good to see how he was going. My views on Lukes have been changed due to this Luke and Luke Smedley. I used to think all people named Luke were arseholes.. But seriously nicest people i know.. The night was definately worth it. We reflected on primary school days and past encounters we had, and Charlie the Unicorn. 'Shun the non-Believers.. Shun...'
I wake up at 5ish to creep around the house gathering my bits and pieces whilst trying not to wake the other up. It was a waste of time as i needed someone to shut the door behind me anyway for it to close properly. I have never been so cold in my life. I was thankful i accidently packed 2 jumpers.. I had an undershirt, t-shirt, long sleeve, long sleeve jumper and a long sleeve jacket and still felt the harsh cold morning. It was pitch black, and i was walking alone. I was waiting for someone to jump out from the bushes i passed, or get egged again (in referal to a street drinking we had a few months back) but luck was still with me. The street lights flicked off and the Sun started rising as i waited for my bus at Murdoch Park and ride. I was silently singing to myself when i noticed a man in black 2 bus stops down from me. All i could really make out was the distant flame he appeared to have going. He soon came over and talked to me. He was the security guard who watched the Train Station while it was being built. He and I were the only 2 there. He had told me he was doing an 8 Hour shift which finished at 7:30am. This was when the first bus to the city was available for me. He said he was lighting a fire before to keep him warm. I couldn't blame him, i have never seen my nose so red from the cold. He left for a lil while. I decided i would use my bag as a pillow and sleep a little before my bus came. He came back 10minutes later to my suprise with 2 coffees. He offered me one and he told me all about himself.
He used to be a Conductor on a train. He said he hated it. Everyone has an instant hate for these people but this guy was different. He only fined people who kicke dup a stink about not having a ticket. He had colleagues that fined 76yr olds for not have their pensioners card when purchasing tickets. He told me how after 60 people should be left to their own device, they had been through enough. I agreed completely. Just imagine how much a 60yr old had seen compared to a mere teen like myself. I think the elderly generaiton gets neglected. We could learn so much from them if we opened our ears and listened to them once and a while. I finished the rest of my coffee the man had offered me and picked at the spyrofoam cup. With that our bus came..
'Waiting for the 7.18 - Bloc Party'
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)