Fuck it's been too long..

So.. its been maybe a month since my last post or maybe even 2.. To be honest, and i don't mean to sound egotistical but since my social and work life has increased i have become a little less worried about finding time to blog.

A month has passed, i don't even know where time has gone or how to even possibly bring you up to speed with my life currently. Things are a bit mixed up in the works and i don't know how I am going to be at the end of it.. I will probably end up crying by the end of the night. But this is basically what has been happening in a nut shell.

- I am continuing my Remedial massage studies, I am a fair bit behind and should probably be doing logbooks now, but eh.

- I have gotten a cheap car and by cheap i mean free.. Its my uncles old 88'Ford laser. I love it, the radio doesn't work, its a heap of crap, but it runs pretty well.

- I hit a brand new Hyundai Accent in the train station parking lot, uninsured.. its going to cost me a bit ($2000 approx)

- Work has been pretty average.. Boost Juice has given me only one shift a week in the past 4 weeks.. ($35 a week it works out to) now things are looking up though as he is impressed with my work and wants to see me working more shifts.

- I am on good terms with most my friends at the moment, i have probably been more social then ever.

But now is the thing thats semi-breaking me at the moment.. I dunno if i have made the right decision, but i hope i have. But I am separating myself from Dylan... I had thought about it for a while but now i think it's time to actually go through with it.. It happened a while ago, Dylan wanted me to have drinks at my house.. I did want to catch up with him but i didn't want to put myself in an awkward position.. He wanted me to invite a girl which i knew he was keen on..

I wasn't keen on this idea at all. I know it has been months and maybe even a year by now, but i still feel for the kid, and to see him hook up with someone at my house infront of me would of just upset me and made my night shit.. So i made some shit up about how i get jealous cause i think girls will steal my bestfriends away. I thought it was a pretty good excuse. I didn't wanna have people around my house anyway.. I had been to hosts to friends for the last 5 friday nights before that, and my mum wouldn't allow it either.

We had a lil argument/discussion about it and the outcome was i wasn't having people around my house end of story. I'm not here to waste a friday night just so i can be a host to a hook up fest. But things were a lil awkward afterwards.. I made plans with shannyn instead and was going to go out with her on friday night, but she cancelled last minute..

So i called Dylan as there were drinks on which i thought i would be welcome to go to.. I asked him where it was, and what time it's on and stuff but he said 'my cousins going to exmouth and im in the car with her goign to the bottleshop..' he also said it wasn't on cause zecks (the person whose house it was) mother was in hospital. It sounded reasonable enough, i mean if i was to say i think they were lying i could of made a total arse of myself. But i didn't have to say anything at all.

I go to work the monday and im talking to caroline (which happens to be the girl Dylan was keen on) and she asked me

Caroline; 'So where were you at zecks?'.. My blood instantly boiled, but i kept my cool..

me; 'ooh, i was told it wasn't on cause zecks mum was in hospital..'

Caroline; 'oh noo it was.. there was like 20 people.. i'm pretty sure you called when we were in the car..'

Me; 'What?!'

Caroline; 'Yeah you called us, like we were in Darcy's car on the way to zecks when you called us..'

So at this point in time i was pretty pissed but tried to keep composed about it all.. I couldn't believe Dylan and Zeck lied through their teeth to me about friday night.. I spoke to him on MSN that night fucking raging but yet again trying to keep my cool.

Me; 'So how was Zecks?'

Dylan; 'yeah good, why?'

Me; 'why did you lie man?'

Dylan; 'Zeck was afraid there was too many people going.. so i just said what he told me to say'

I was fucking pissed now.. I would of rathered Dylan tell me there was too many people going then make me feel like a dickhead.. I go around telling people how good dylan is and how we are such good mates and after this how credible is that? i actually have doubted how good of friend we actually are..

It wasn't the fact they lied as well, it's the fact noone fucking apoligized afterwards. Instead dylan gets on the defensive and said he was just doing what zeck told him to say. But who is zeck to me? besides walking by and saying hello and a quick casual banter we barely fucking speak. I mean ok, lie about it not being on, but if your fucking caught just fucking admit it and say sorry instead of being soo arrogant and a prick about things..

I'm still a little angry right now as i retype it out in this blog.. You could probably tell by the increase of language but eh.
I thought to much of dylan, and maybe thought he was doing this to protect me.. Maybe he knew he was going to 'hook up' and just didn't want me being there.. But i find it hard to believe

But i have come to the conclusion now.. It's too hard trying to keep my friendship and feelings for him separate.. I mean he was my best friend, and you cannot argue with that, i loved being in his company, but i still felt something.. I know nothing was going to come of us, or ever would, but it's hard. I can't seem to see him without thinking why it was i liked him the first place. He is just so god damn hard not to like. I mean yes he frustrates the fuck out of me at times, but at other times he just makes me feel like no other friend can make me feel. I'm going to use this little tiff as an excuse. A big pathetic excuse too separate myself from him.

In reality, he is going to be with someone and its not going to be me. I think if i am still 'close' to him at the time, im just going to be caught up and be upset to see him moving on, and i don't want my feelings/problems to get in the way of his relationship so maybe its best if i didn't see him anymore.. He will move on, and it will help me get over this whole ordeal. It's gone on too long. It's been hard though.. It's only been maybe 2-3weeks.. i haven't talked to him..

Just thinking back on all these times i have shared with him, all these little memories in a time where things felt soo good and nothing could compare.. it really upsets me.. I still think about him, i hope he is doing well, i'm sure he is as well.. It's going to be hard trying not to be as close as i was to him.. and fuck does it upset me soo fucking much, I do want to be bestfriends, but i think i'd only fail him.. This is what i have to do, and if you do read this dont hate me, I'm Sorry but this is what i have to do.



'It's what's best for us.. I'm sorry..'