So.. its been maybe a month since my last post or maybe even 2.. To be honest, and i don't mean to sound egotistical but since my social and work life has increased i have become a little less worried about finding time to blog.
A month has passed, i don't even know where time has gone or how to even possibly bring you up to speed with my life currently. Things are a bit mixed up in the works and i don't know how I am going to be at the end of it.. I will probably end up crying by the end of the night. But this is basically what has been happening in a nut shell.
- I am continuing my Remedial massage studies, I am a fair bit behind and should probably be doing logbooks now, but eh.
- I have gotten a cheap car and by cheap i mean free.. Its my uncles old 88'Ford laser. I love it, the radio doesn't work, its a heap of crap, but it runs pretty well.
- I hit a brand new Hyundai Accent in the train station parking lot, uninsured.. its going to cost me a bit ($2000 approx)
- Work has been pretty average.. Boost Juice has given me only one shift a week in the past 4 weeks.. ($35 a week it works out to) now things are looking up though as he is impressed with my work and wants to see me working more shifts.
- I am on good terms with most my friends at the moment, i have probably been more social then ever.
But now is the thing thats semi-breaking me at the moment.. I dunno if i have made the right decision, but i hope i have. But I am separating myself from Dylan... I had thought about it for a while but now i think it's time to actually go through with it.. It happened a while ago, Dylan wanted me to have drinks at my house.. I did want to catch up with him but i didn't want to put myself in an awkward position.. He wanted me to invite a girl which i knew he was keen on..
I wasn't keen on this idea at all. I know it has been months and maybe even a year by now, but i still feel for the kid, and to see him hook up with someone at my house infront of me would of just upset me and made my night shit.. So i made some shit up about how i get jealous cause i think girls will steal my bestfriends away. I thought it was a pretty good excuse. I didn't wanna have people around my house anyway.. I had been to hosts to friends for the last 5 friday nights before that, and my mum wouldn't allow it either.
We had a lil argument/discussion about it and the outcome was i wasn't having people around my house end of story. I'm not here to waste a friday night just so i can be a host to a hook up fest. But things were a lil awkward afterwards.. I made plans with shannyn instead and was going to go out with her on friday night, but she cancelled last minute..
So i called Dylan as there were drinks on which i thought i would be welcome to go to.. I asked him where it was, and what time it's on and stuff but he said 'my cousins going to exmouth and im in the car with her goign to the bottleshop..' he also said it wasn't on cause zecks (the person whose house it was) mother was in hospital. It sounded reasonable enough, i mean if i was to say i think they were lying i could of made a total arse of myself. But i didn't have to say anything at all.
I go to work the monday and im talking to caroline (which happens to be the girl Dylan was keen on) and she asked me
Caroline; 'So where were you at zecks?'.. My blood instantly boiled, but i kept my cool..
me; 'ooh, i was told it wasn't on cause zecks mum was in hospital..'
Caroline; 'oh noo it was.. there was like 20 people.. i'm pretty sure you called when we were in the car..'
Me; 'What?!'
Caroline; 'Yeah you called us, like we were in Darcy's car on the way to zecks when you called us..'
So at this point in time i was pretty pissed but tried to keep composed about it all.. I couldn't believe Dylan and Zeck lied through their teeth to me about friday night.. I spoke to him on MSN that night fucking raging but yet again trying to keep my cool.
Me; 'So how was Zecks?'
Dylan; 'yeah good, why?'
Me; 'why did you lie man?'
Dylan; 'Zeck was afraid there was too many people going.. so i just said what he told me to say'
I was fucking pissed now.. I would of rathered Dylan tell me there was too many people going then make me feel like a dickhead.. I go around telling people how good dylan is and how we are such good mates and after this how credible is that? i actually have doubted how good of friend we actually are..
It wasn't the fact they lied as well, it's the fact noone fucking apoligized afterwards. Instead dylan gets on the defensive and said he was just doing what zeck told him to say. But who is zeck to me? besides walking by and saying hello and a quick casual banter we barely fucking speak. I mean ok, lie about it not being on, but if your fucking caught just fucking admit it and say sorry instead of being soo arrogant and a prick about things..
I'm still a little angry right now as i retype it out in this blog.. You could probably tell by the increase of language but eh.
I thought to much of dylan, and maybe thought he was doing this to protect me.. Maybe he knew he was going to 'hook up' and just didn't want me being there.. But i find it hard to believe
But i have come to the conclusion now.. It's too hard trying to keep my friendship and feelings for him separate.. I mean he was my best friend, and you cannot argue with that, i loved being in his company, but i still felt something.. I know nothing was going to come of us, or ever would, but it's hard. I can't seem to see him without thinking why it was i liked him the first place. He is just so god damn hard not to like. I mean yes he frustrates the fuck out of me at times, but at other times he just makes me feel like no other friend can make me feel. I'm going to use this little tiff as an excuse. A big pathetic excuse too separate myself from him.
In reality, he is going to be with someone and its not going to be me. I think if i am still 'close' to him at the time, im just going to be caught up and be upset to see him moving on, and i don't want my feelings/problems to get in the way of his relationship so maybe its best if i didn't see him anymore.. He will move on, and it will help me get over this whole ordeal. It's gone on too long. It's been hard though.. It's only been maybe 2-3weeks.. i haven't talked to him..
Just thinking back on all these times i have shared with him, all these little memories in a time where things felt soo good and nothing could compare.. it really upsets me.. I still think about him, i hope he is doing well, i'm sure he is as well.. It's going to be hard trying not to be as close as i was to him.. and fuck does it upset me soo fucking much, I do want to be bestfriends, but i think i'd only fail him.. This is what i have to do, and if you do read this dont hate me, I'm Sorry but this is what i have to do.
'It's what's best for us.. I'm sorry..'
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Closure..
I have my license now.. I'm not sure if i mentioned that in my last blog but just a reminder. It's come in handy but i'm starting to realize how much the price of petrol is effecting how much i have to spend. I have been given the family car to drive because our Nana has lent her luxury car to my mother to looks after. I'm not actually bothered about not driving my Nana's car though.. I would rather crash something worth around $7,000 to that of a Grandeur whose price tag i have no clue about.
Anyway, things have been full of ups and downs lately. People must be saying 'fuck sake Liam, whats new?!' in which i would reply 'Hey... Shut up' I am in good spirits though as these last few days are filled with closure which is much needed at this moment in time. I seen the Kid who i met at the Christmas padgent at another foreshore event called 'Crabfest'. This would be the first time in person since that day. I almost forgot what he looked like. He was with his Girlfriend, she was gorgeous. I think i hit it off with her that night more so then the kid himself.
I told her how i thought she was gorgeous and how when i first seen her boyfriend i thought he was a babe. We just clicked, i thought it was going to be awkward but as the night unfolded it was the complete opposite. Here was me worrying the past few days thinking 'Shit what happens if he doesn't go to Crab fest?' and 'Will we be strangers?' and then we seen each other and all was good. It was real closure to me, i thought was a hated boy.
I left my car at Dylan's that night, knowing i was going to be drunk, and that i would be in no state to drive home. I didn't even see him the whole night until i got back to his place, pretty pissy. I thought his mum was annoyed that i rocked up at her place drunk, but i asked Dylan if it was ok and he said sure so i wasn't to know any better. I stepped inside and asked for a glass of water to sober up a little. Luke, (his Girlfriend) Sharni and I were doing shots of almost straight vodka before we left.. I don't think it actually hit us until an hour after though. We sat in the same vacant block Luke and I first got drunk in before players that night, and kept drinking until dark.
We were making absolute dick heads of ourselves and now that i think of it maybe the alcohol hit us sooner as we were telling people 'Merry Christmas!' as if it was the Christmas padgent all over again. The joke got old after a while and we continued to hang around chicken treat and say hello to everyone we knew and even people we only just met. I Have to say as well i thought it was going to be awkward seeing Dylan that night, but things were the same.
A few days before i think it was Saturday, i couldn't stop crying all day. No matter what i did, i would just breakdown in tears. I think i had just had enough and some of the thoughts running through my head that day were assuring me off this. I actually think i suffer form some sort of mild depression. I don't say this in wanting people to empathize/sympathize for me but i just don't think 'normal' people would think about some of the thoughts i do.
That day it was like i was telling myself 'Is this all worth it? is anything going to change? you could leave it here'. It has happened before though. Sometimes i think maybe what im going through will never change, and is this really a life you wanna be living? I don't know if its me being selfish, or maybe its through the thoughts of how i will effect others, but whatever it is, i think it has stopped me taking my life on numerous occasions.
I told Dylan about it. He comes out with some of the most caring things i have heard from someones mouth. I had to tell him something else as well though. 'I'm not in love with you anymore, but sometimes you tell me things, and im not sure if im ready to listen'. I mean usually im ok with hearing who he has been with and along them lines, but other times i get so jealous. I envy the people he gets with, just knowing its always going to be out of reach. But i hate being jealous of my friends. I'm jealous hearing about most of my friends sex life cause currently i have fucking none of my own :P
But i couldn't help but feel like i had failed him as friend. And this is what i believe triggered my little bout of depression that happened that day. I don't wanna be jealous of him, i want him to be happy, and i want him to be happy knowing that im happy. I wanted to talk to Judd about it so i asked him to come around. He was in Perth, but he said he would come back and he did, but it wasn't till much later that night. I'm glad he wanted to help though. But i couldn't calm myself down. I grabbed my keys, and drove to the beach lookout. I just sat in the car, listening to sad songs, and cried my heart out as i watched the tides come in.
'I've been dangerous, too long' - Portishead
Anyway, things have been full of ups and downs lately. People must be saying 'fuck sake Liam, whats new?!' in which i would reply 'Hey... Shut up' I am in good spirits though as these last few days are filled with closure which is much needed at this moment in time. I seen the Kid who i met at the Christmas padgent at another foreshore event called 'Crabfest'. This would be the first time in person since that day. I almost forgot what he looked like. He was with his Girlfriend, she was gorgeous. I think i hit it off with her that night more so then the kid himself.
I told her how i thought she was gorgeous and how when i first seen her boyfriend i thought he was a babe. We just clicked, i thought it was going to be awkward but as the night unfolded it was the complete opposite. Here was me worrying the past few days thinking 'Shit what happens if he doesn't go to Crab fest?' and 'Will we be strangers?' and then we seen each other and all was good. It was real closure to me, i thought was a hated boy.
I left my car at Dylan's that night, knowing i was going to be drunk, and that i would be in no state to drive home. I didn't even see him the whole night until i got back to his place, pretty pissy. I thought his mum was annoyed that i rocked up at her place drunk, but i asked Dylan if it was ok and he said sure so i wasn't to know any better. I stepped inside and asked for a glass of water to sober up a little. Luke, (his Girlfriend) Sharni and I were doing shots of almost straight vodka before we left.. I don't think it actually hit us until an hour after though. We sat in the same vacant block Luke and I first got drunk in before players that night, and kept drinking until dark.
We were making absolute dick heads of ourselves and now that i think of it maybe the alcohol hit us sooner as we were telling people 'Merry Christmas!' as if it was the Christmas padgent all over again. The joke got old after a while and we continued to hang around chicken treat and say hello to everyone we knew and even people we only just met. I Have to say as well i thought it was going to be awkward seeing Dylan that night, but things were the same.
A few days before i think it was Saturday, i couldn't stop crying all day. No matter what i did, i would just breakdown in tears. I think i had just had enough and some of the thoughts running through my head that day were assuring me off this. I actually think i suffer form some sort of mild depression. I don't say this in wanting people to empathize/sympathize for me but i just don't think 'normal' people would think about some of the thoughts i do.
That day it was like i was telling myself 'Is this all worth it? is anything going to change? you could leave it here'. It has happened before though. Sometimes i think maybe what im going through will never change, and is this really a life you wanna be living? I don't know if its me being selfish, or maybe its through the thoughts of how i will effect others, but whatever it is, i think it has stopped me taking my life on numerous occasions.
I told Dylan about it. He comes out with some of the most caring things i have heard from someones mouth. I had to tell him something else as well though. 'I'm not in love with you anymore, but sometimes you tell me things, and im not sure if im ready to listen'. I mean usually im ok with hearing who he has been with and along them lines, but other times i get so jealous. I envy the people he gets with, just knowing its always going to be out of reach. But i hate being jealous of my friends. I'm jealous hearing about most of my friends sex life cause currently i have fucking none of my own :P
But i couldn't help but feel like i had failed him as friend. And this is what i believe triggered my little bout of depression that happened that day. I don't wanna be jealous of him, i want him to be happy, and i want him to be happy knowing that im happy. I wanted to talk to Judd about it so i asked him to come around. He was in Perth, but he said he would come back and he did, but it wasn't till much later that night. I'm glad he wanted to help though. But i couldn't calm myself down. I grabbed my keys, and drove to the beach lookout. I just sat in the car, listening to sad songs, and cried my heart out as i watched the tides come in.
'I've been dangerous, too long' - Portishead
Friday, February 22, 2008
The active month of the year..
Well first things first, I recently just got my license, in fact only a mere 2days ago. It hasn't provided me with that freedom i thought i would get from it at one point. If anything it has made me realize how absolutely shit i really am at parking a vehicle. I have also started my Diploma in Remedial massage as of February 5th which has been alot more draining then i first thought. The teachers and lecturers all use their professional voice which seem to be soothing and putting myself and a few of the others students almost to sleep. I didn't think the body had so many layers to it as well. The amount of muscles the body has is blowing my mind, i honestly don't know how well im going to cope with remembering all their scientific names..
The people in my class are really quite great though. I guess being laid back and friendly would have to be a prerequisite if you wanted to be a massage therapist of any sort though. But i am one of 3 students in the class who have come straight out of year 12 and into the course. There are about 20 in our class i think and the age varies anything from 17 (I'm the youngest) to around Mid 50's. It's really good though, you learn how to interact with people who aren't really in your social age group. The only downfall is I'm traveling close to an 1hr 30mins to get there.. But hey, the train ride is an ample opportunity to study and complete work due that day.
I have also applied for a job at 2evolve, a company which suckers in innocent pedestrians to donate $20 a month to 3 different charities, Greenpeace, World society of animal protection and Amnesty Australia. It seemed like a nice job but i never got it to my dismay. I got into the final round of interviews though. I felt horrible cause there were soo many people that needed this job more then i did and they didn't make it through. I was talking to backpackers who were desperate to find work and needed this to put a roof over their head. But i couldn't let my soft heart get in the way of what i really wanted. I did the interview. It was a load of cock and balls. They were testing me to see if i can persuade them to love something I love and feel passionate about. This would of been a great chance to fuck up my interview. I chose music as a subject to try and get them to love. If i knew i wasn't going to get the job i would of chose something like 'molestation' or 'lighting fires' just for laughs.
There was one person in the whole interview process who blitz it. A man who sold 'the big issue' out on the streets for a living cause he had no other job or source of income. It helped him stay off the streets and in a shelter as well. But to me personally he talked a load of shit. Maybe that was what 2evolve wanted though. Can i just say, to someone reading this, it might seem like I am a little bitter about not getting the job, so honestly at first i was frustrated that i didn't get the job. The pay was 16.50 an hour and a $40bonus for everyone you could recruit. But now i have learned its not the be all and end all, and there will be plenty more opportunities for me to go on and do better things.
But yes back to this guy, who sold the big issue. He was telling us stories outside before the interview processes even started. He told us how he was fishing a little while back on the east coast, along the great barrier reef. He was peeling prawn shells and chucking them over the boat. He all of a sudden heard a big gush of water and looked over. He said there was a whale which had come up to have a look at him and his eye was just 'there' (withing arms reach). At first i was like 'Whoa!!' but then i realized that you would know if a whale was coming to surface so close to your boat, and how does someone who sells the big issue for a living go over east and afford to go on a boat? even in the interview processes they were telling us about the pay we get and he asks 'How much of the money we make can put back into charity?..' If my super-ego wasn't so incredibly strong that day i would of got up and said 'Oh my god! suck a fucking dick' but i kept my cool and rolled my eyes :)
On the 15th i went to a friends 18th, was an absolutely amazing party. I was up dancing, doing my thing.. I even ran around the party half nude and in my undies at one point. I don't remember it too well though. But it was really good. I was told 2days ago that people were spiking drinks with liquid ecstasy though. And someone just randomly handed me a slushy. So I have some reason to believe I could have been one of the lucky ones. Now this is where i get all emotional. That night my best mate Dylan was there. I cannot describe how much love for that kid I have. He is just so incredibly beautiful in my eyes. It's only when i see him i realize how much i have really missed him. But that night we hardly spoke, and he was smoking like a chimney. Now don't get me wrong i was smoking a bit as well. But i don't like to see my friends doing it. It's like a mothering thing. But i had a lighter and Dylan kept nagging me for it. I kept telling him to fuck off and 'seriously don't fucking speak to me right now..' I dunno why i did it.. I mean obviously i don't wanna see him fucking up himself by smoking heaps, but i shouldn't say that stuff to him. He is my best friend, there is no need.
It was only on a couple of days ago i realized how much it upset him that night. I was talking to a friend Kimmy and she said 'he was incredibly upset, I thought he was going to cry.' My heart stopped for a second. I could have fucked something up that was soo perfect in my eyes. To be able to get Dylan that close to crying isn't something to be proud of as it is so very rare. I have always seen Dylan as the strong type who wouldn't care. Thats what i love about him though, he is so unpredictable and always keeps you thinking, where as i wear my heart on my sleeves. But it was then i also realized 'Wow.. maybe i really do mean alot to him, and maybe he is conscious of what i say to him'. I was almost in tears that night thinking about it. But we are okay now. I apologized to him the afternoon and we seem fine. I dunno what i would do without him a part of my life.
'Hold me closer Tiny Dancer' - Elton John
The people in my class are really quite great though. I guess being laid back and friendly would have to be a prerequisite if you wanted to be a massage therapist of any sort though. But i am one of 3 students in the class who have come straight out of year 12 and into the course. There are about 20 in our class i think and the age varies anything from 17 (I'm the youngest) to around Mid 50's. It's really good though, you learn how to interact with people who aren't really in your social age group. The only downfall is I'm traveling close to an 1hr 30mins to get there.. But hey, the train ride is an ample opportunity to study and complete work due that day.
I have also applied for a job at 2evolve, a company which suckers in innocent pedestrians to donate $20 a month to 3 different charities, Greenpeace, World society of animal protection and Amnesty Australia. It seemed like a nice job but i never got it to my dismay. I got into the final round of interviews though. I felt horrible cause there were soo many people that needed this job more then i did and they didn't make it through. I was talking to backpackers who were desperate to find work and needed this to put a roof over their head. But i couldn't let my soft heart get in the way of what i really wanted. I did the interview. It was a load of cock and balls. They were testing me to see if i can persuade them to love something I love and feel passionate about. This would of been a great chance to fuck up my interview. I chose music as a subject to try and get them to love. If i knew i wasn't going to get the job i would of chose something like 'molestation' or 'lighting fires' just for laughs.
There was one person in the whole interview process who blitz it. A man who sold 'the big issue' out on the streets for a living cause he had no other job or source of income. It helped him stay off the streets and in a shelter as well. But to me personally he talked a load of shit. Maybe that was what 2evolve wanted though. Can i just say, to someone reading this, it might seem like I am a little bitter about not getting the job, so honestly at first i was frustrated that i didn't get the job. The pay was 16.50 an hour and a $40bonus for everyone you could recruit. But now i have learned its not the be all and end all, and there will be plenty more opportunities for me to go on and do better things.
But yes back to this guy, who sold the big issue. He was telling us stories outside before the interview processes even started. He told us how he was fishing a little while back on the east coast, along the great barrier reef. He was peeling prawn shells and chucking them over the boat. He all of a sudden heard a big gush of water and looked over. He said there was a whale which had come up to have a look at him and his eye was just 'there' (withing arms reach). At first i was like 'Whoa!!' but then i realized that you would know if a whale was coming to surface so close to your boat, and how does someone who sells the big issue for a living go over east and afford to go on a boat? even in the interview processes they were telling us about the pay we get and he asks 'How much of the money we make can put back into charity?..' If my super-ego wasn't so incredibly strong that day i would of got up and said 'Oh my god! suck a fucking dick' but i kept my cool and rolled my eyes :)
On the 15th i went to a friends 18th, was an absolutely amazing party. I was up dancing, doing my thing.. I even ran around the party half nude and in my undies at one point. I don't remember it too well though. But it was really good. I was told 2days ago that people were spiking drinks with liquid ecstasy though. And someone just randomly handed me a slushy. So I have some reason to believe I could have been one of the lucky ones. Now this is where i get all emotional. That night my best mate Dylan was there. I cannot describe how much love for that kid I have. He is just so incredibly beautiful in my eyes. It's only when i see him i realize how much i have really missed him. But that night we hardly spoke, and he was smoking like a chimney. Now don't get me wrong i was smoking a bit as well. But i don't like to see my friends doing it. It's like a mothering thing. But i had a lighter and Dylan kept nagging me for it. I kept telling him to fuck off and 'seriously don't fucking speak to me right now..' I dunno why i did it.. I mean obviously i don't wanna see him fucking up himself by smoking heaps, but i shouldn't say that stuff to him. He is my best friend, there is no need.
It was only on a couple of days ago i realized how much it upset him that night. I was talking to a friend Kimmy and she said 'he was incredibly upset, I thought he was going to cry.' My heart stopped for a second. I could have fucked something up that was soo perfect in my eyes. To be able to get Dylan that close to crying isn't something to be proud of as it is so very rare. I have always seen Dylan as the strong type who wouldn't care. Thats what i love about him though, he is so unpredictable and always keeps you thinking, where as i wear my heart on my sleeves. But it was then i also realized 'Wow.. maybe i really do mean alot to him, and maybe he is conscious of what i say to him'. I was almost in tears that night thinking about it. But we are okay now. I apologized to him the afternoon and we seem fine. I dunno what i would do without him a part of my life.
'Hold me closer Tiny Dancer' - Elton John
Monday, January 28, 2008
Moody mode..
Seriously, right now everyone can tongue my fucking balls.. I could not give a shit about what they have to say, cause 90% of the time its completely irrelevant to my life, and im stuck there listening and trying to be polite.. But not all is bad at the moment.. I may have a new employment opportunity as a waitperson at a restaurant/cafe located near by.. I just pray to that higher being they do not turn me into some kind of dish pig..
So i seen my dad, it was better then expected.. and i didn't expect a lot out of the trip, but it seems every time i see the man i come back feeling a little closer to him.. I came back feeling revived and my thirst for some truth in a few troubles had been quenched.. I even had a fitness routine when i was living up there this time, full on weight training and cardio workouts..
One time when i was working out he asked me to come into the storage room we have on the side of the house.. he started shuffling around old boxes and Christmas toys that had lost their novelty, until finally he reached what he had wanted to show me.. It was out stuff as a kid, year 1 & 2 stuff from my primary school and a few kindergarten items.. It was good, i could remember myself making some of the items I seen.. But then he found it..
'I wanted to show you this though..' and with that he handed over a book.. i turned it around to read the title.. I cant remember the exact title but it was something to do with Separation and Divorce.. It was a guide which helped give people thinking of getting Separated or Divorced a few things to think about, such as child support and rights and all that stuff.. It also touched on coping with the situations as well..
But he told me it was a book that Mum was reading when they were still married, before the troubles and before it became obvious to him what was going on.. Now this might not seem like alot, but it really meant alot to me.. It's like i have been blaming my Dad for what happened in the past and have seen him as the enemy.. But he was actually trying his hardest to pull and hold the family together.. And no matter how much he tried, or changed or sacrificed, it was inevitable.. It was going to happen, my mum had already started planning it and it was going to happen.
With that said and myself finally starting to com to a more rashional conclusion, the visit to my dad was good.. My brother was really good to me this time, he let me meet all his friends and drinking buddies and we had a great laugh.. He really does have a great bunch of friends and that no joke.. I thought the country would be full of redneck, wankers with mail order brides.. but no there were legitimately nice guys and girls living in Karratha..
There was one kid who i thought was an absolute champion.. He was seriously one of the highlights of the trip but i only met him the night before I left.. His name was Alex Oreo (not sure about the spelling) and he was a really cool kid.. Looked hell surfy, a guy i assume all the girls love but he was really playful and cheeky.. At the end of the night when i was totaled and he had just finished talking to his gf I wondered over and sat next to him.. He seemed a little upset and for a second i thought the kid was going to cry.. i just put my arm around him and cuddled him slightly.. Just gave him a body to listen to.. I assume most Karratha kids would get called gay getting deep and talking about some of the things we did, so maybe this was a rare and helpful thing i did.. But with that the party had ended and it was time to go home and sleep in my Karratha bed for the last time before i returned home..
We arrived at the terminal and waited for the boarding call.. we made a few jokes to keep the spirit up but it didn't work.. The boarding call came over the speakers and with that it was time to go.. As Dad hugged us goodbye i noticed his eyes watering and his voice getting shakey.. So he hugged us for the last time and with that wished us a safe trip and left the airport.. I don't think i have ever seen my dad come close to crying like that before.. It hit a heart string with me.. I put on my sunglasses and boarded the plane.. As we were leaving the runway and taking off i could only help but think, down there.. My dad would be looking out his car window, watching the plane take his 2 boys he hoped would never of left him in the beginning..
'Just take what you need, and be on your way and Stop crying your heart out..' - Oasis
So i seen my dad, it was better then expected.. and i didn't expect a lot out of the trip, but it seems every time i see the man i come back feeling a little closer to him.. I came back feeling revived and my thirst for some truth in a few troubles had been quenched.. I even had a fitness routine when i was living up there this time, full on weight training and cardio workouts..
One time when i was working out he asked me to come into the storage room we have on the side of the house.. he started shuffling around old boxes and Christmas toys that had lost their novelty, until finally he reached what he had wanted to show me.. It was out stuff as a kid, year 1 & 2 stuff from my primary school and a few kindergarten items.. It was good, i could remember myself making some of the items I seen.. But then he found it..
'I wanted to show you this though..' and with that he handed over a book.. i turned it around to read the title.. I cant remember the exact title but it was something to do with Separation and Divorce.. It was a guide which helped give people thinking of getting Separated or Divorced a few things to think about, such as child support and rights and all that stuff.. It also touched on coping with the situations as well..
But he told me it was a book that Mum was reading when they were still married, before the troubles and before it became obvious to him what was going on.. Now this might not seem like alot, but it really meant alot to me.. It's like i have been blaming my Dad for what happened in the past and have seen him as the enemy.. But he was actually trying his hardest to pull and hold the family together.. And no matter how much he tried, or changed or sacrificed, it was inevitable.. It was going to happen, my mum had already started planning it and it was going to happen.
With that said and myself finally starting to com to a more rashional conclusion, the visit to my dad was good.. My brother was really good to me this time, he let me meet all his friends and drinking buddies and we had a great laugh.. He really does have a great bunch of friends and that no joke.. I thought the country would be full of redneck, wankers with mail order brides.. but no there were legitimately nice guys and girls living in Karratha..
There was one kid who i thought was an absolute champion.. He was seriously one of the highlights of the trip but i only met him the night before I left.. His name was Alex Oreo (not sure about the spelling) and he was a really cool kid.. Looked hell surfy, a guy i assume all the girls love but he was really playful and cheeky.. At the end of the night when i was totaled and he had just finished talking to his gf I wondered over and sat next to him.. He seemed a little upset and for a second i thought the kid was going to cry.. i just put my arm around him and cuddled him slightly.. Just gave him a body to listen to.. I assume most Karratha kids would get called gay getting deep and talking about some of the things we did, so maybe this was a rare and helpful thing i did.. But with that the party had ended and it was time to go home and sleep in my Karratha bed for the last time before i returned home..
We arrived at the terminal and waited for the boarding call.. we made a few jokes to keep the spirit up but it didn't work.. The boarding call came over the speakers and with that it was time to go.. As Dad hugged us goodbye i noticed his eyes watering and his voice getting shakey.. So he hugged us for the last time and with that wished us a safe trip and left the airport.. I don't think i have ever seen my dad come close to crying like that before.. It hit a heart string with me.. I put on my sunglasses and boarded the plane.. As we were leaving the runway and taking off i could only help but think, down there.. My dad would be looking out his car window, watching the plane take his 2 boys he hoped would never of left him in the beginning..
'Just take what you need, and be on your way and Stop crying your heart out..' - Oasis
Sunday, January 13, 2008
So here I am..
So here i am, a new year, new friends and another blank canvas in the form of a text box in which to post my first blog for 2008.. I'm just not sure of anything at the moment right now.. I don't think i can blame it on lack of sleep and over thinking this time.. Maybe i can just blame it on me being a dreamer, who gets attached to near impossible people, to have and call my own.
I don't think i can be certain about anything right now, that is besides the fact i know im not certain about anything right now.. Everything that seems to be blossoming into something special, seems to do a 360 on me and i end up a little emotionally battered and bruised by it.. Everyone seems to be getting into this whole lets have serious relationships business, which is totally fine.. But it just makes me wonder where i fit sometimes.. Am i to spend the best of my years watching other people fall in and out of love and never experience it myself?
I was considering a new years resolution to be 'get in a serious relationship this year..' but is it truly what i want? i just don't know.. It would be great to have someone to care about you, and give you that feeling of security.. but i have seen what it does to people when all falls to shit.. I'm a mess over people i have barely known but had a gut feeling that it seemed so right.. If i was to become dependant on someone, then them leave my life i can only assume its going to hurt ten fold..
I have stayed with Dylan the last couple of days.. his family had taken a camping trip to albany and he has been left to watch his house.. a familiar situation to me a week ago.. I had to look after my Nana's house for 2 weeks while she left to Malaysia.. I feel awful that i have to leave him, but it's only a week i suppose. But when you live on your own everyday seems to drag for an eternity.. And the company is always a welcome change which helps time pass by.. I loved staying with him.. He is just a really good kid.. i don't know how to describe him other than he is one of my bestfriends.. He told me last night when i stayed with him, 'Liam, don't go to Karratha.. Stay here with me..'
How tempting it was to stay with him.. but i couldn't.. I have been booked to see my Dad and brother again on the 14th till the 27th.. I'm not even looking forward to it to be honest.. I love seeing them, i mean their family.. but i have a bad feeling about this time.. There is nothing there for me besides them and alcohol, And i have been drinking way too much lately..
Nothing is going to blossom with that christmas padgent person i met.. It hurts me a little, but maybe it was never meant to be.. It just felt so right though.. But maybe i was just a sucker for their charm and sweet nature.. They probably do the exact same to most the people they meet.. They are tied up in a relationship still anyways.. Maybe i was just some escape while things were a bit down in their relationship.. But i still can't help but think 'What if..'
When people use them words in a situation like this, it is merely building false hope.. But maybe this is what i have been living on the whole time.. Maybe one day i will snap out of this dreamer state, and realize things were never meant to be.. But there we go again.. the 'Maybe'.. Maybe i'm destined to be that little park bench the couples go to sit on when their together, that hears everything thats going on with them.. but when they separate, they come back alone to sit on me once again and silently reflect on what used to be..
'Well baby I've been here before, i seen this room, I've walked this floor' - Jeff Buckley
I don't think i can be certain about anything right now, that is besides the fact i know im not certain about anything right now.. Everything that seems to be blossoming into something special, seems to do a 360 on me and i end up a little emotionally battered and bruised by it.. Everyone seems to be getting into this whole lets have serious relationships business, which is totally fine.. But it just makes me wonder where i fit sometimes.. Am i to spend the best of my years watching other people fall in and out of love and never experience it myself?
I was considering a new years resolution to be 'get in a serious relationship this year..' but is it truly what i want? i just don't know.. It would be great to have someone to care about you, and give you that feeling of security.. but i have seen what it does to people when all falls to shit.. I'm a mess over people i have barely known but had a gut feeling that it seemed so right.. If i was to become dependant on someone, then them leave my life i can only assume its going to hurt ten fold..
I have stayed with Dylan the last couple of days.. his family had taken a camping trip to albany and he has been left to watch his house.. a familiar situation to me a week ago.. I had to look after my Nana's house for 2 weeks while she left to Malaysia.. I feel awful that i have to leave him, but it's only a week i suppose. But when you live on your own everyday seems to drag for an eternity.. And the company is always a welcome change which helps time pass by.. I loved staying with him.. He is just a really good kid.. i don't know how to describe him other than he is one of my bestfriends.. He told me last night when i stayed with him, 'Liam, don't go to Karratha.. Stay here with me..'
How tempting it was to stay with him.. but i couldn't.. I have been booked to see my Dad and brother again on the 14th till the 27th.. I'm not even looking forward to it to be honest.. I love seeing them, i mean their family.. but i have a bad feeling about this time.. There is nothing there for me besides them and alcohol, And i have been drinking way too much lately..
Nothing is going to blossom with that christmas padgent person i met.. It hurts me a little, but maybe it was never meant to be.. It just felt so right though.. But maybe i was just a sucker for their charm and sweet nature.. They probably do the exact same to most the people they meet.. They are tied up in a relationship still anyways.. Maybe i was just some escape while things were a bit down in their relationship.. But i still can't help but think 'What if..'
When people use them words in a situation like this, it is merely building false hope.. But maybe this is what i have been living on the whole time.. Maybe one day i will snap out of this dreamer state, and realize things were never meant to be.. But there we go again.. the 'Maybe'.. Maybe i'm destined to be that little park bench the couples go to sit on when their together, that hears everything thats going on with them.. but when they separate, they come back alone to sit on me once again and silently reflect on what used to be..
'Well baby I've been here before, i seen this room, I've walked this floor' - Jeff Buckley
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