So winter is upon me here in perth. But i love it for the most of it, new jackets, new clothes getting all rugged up, mad dashes for the bus/car in the pouring rain, something about winter that brings people together.
I have fell out with jack at the moment. I think its permanent, we would argue like we were fucking married at times ahah. He is a beautiful kid though, i think i was just at the end of my wick. I could only take soo much, i wanted to go out and socialize and bring him to parties and have a good time, he wanted to stay at home and just chill. which was nice, it settled me down for a while.
But it all went a little pear shaped from a couple of weeks ago. I just had it, he said some mean shit, because i made a late night phone call. im terrible like that, but i was legitamatly in trouble stuck in Northbridge, and his house is soo much cheaper to taxi it too then mine would of been. But just by luck i found my friends and stayed at theirs in Mandurah the night. Not without any hic-cups of course. So what was going to be a smooth train ride ended up with us having to go to the mandurah police station.
Some little dero, was being an idiot. A mentally disabled guy was just being jolly on the train and said something like "here is my stop" as we pulled up to warnbro. He ends up kicking this mentally disabled dude and telling him to shut the fuck up. The guys hand started bleeding and he looked really upset understandably. I hate seeing shit like that, really fucking pisses me off. We end up getting up saying something.
"Calm down you fucking idiot!" probably not the best choice of words from Chloe and I.
"Shut up you cunt!" he said to chloe
"dont call my sister a cunt, everyone is looking at you like ur a fucking idiot on the train so just settle down" chloes sister chimes in
this dero guys friends are even telling him to just chill..
anyway i wont go into details but there was a bit of a fight that broke out, he spat on Emma (chloes sister) and ended up getting charged and put in lock up. Well for a while anyway, he looked about 17-18 turns out he was only 15. fucking idiot, what 15y/o is on a train at 2:30 in the morning?
My dad has kicked my older brother out of home, they had a massive arguement about his false marriage and dad went to raise a fist at him. my brother would of beat the fuck out of him if he tried anything, he keeps reminding us how he would to. But for now he is studying in perth so he is staying with us, which is nice, its good to see him again.
I have quit the brass monkey, i dont know what it is about my luck with Venue managers/owners of businesses lately. Bar One where i used to work i had been blatently told "your a disgrace to young gay people everywhere!" by the owner, because i didn't pay enough attention to his advances. He ended up cutting my shifts after word got out i liked Jack. the guy previously mentioned in the post. I ended up quiting just before a busy night to put them in the shit. I was over it, he was gay himself, we gotta stick together not fucking pick on eachother.
The brass was good at first, it still had its moments where i thought "fuck this im leaving" but the Venue and senior manager i really got along with. We would go to connections and even have the odd staffie night as well. The people there were great as well, young, party animals. But the VM left after the brass owners "ALH" wouldn't let his idea's go ahead to make the pub better. Which quite frankly i dont blame him. It was a shithole before he came, he brought it back to life.
The new VM was a little shady at first, but i gave him a go. He still doesn't talk to any of the staff. He was soo rude and blunt. From rockingham. He apparently is quite the homophobe. I dont go flaunting im gay, but if people i ask i tell them straight out. He didn't like me from the get go. I had to call up sick because of a Uni assignment due the next day. It was a thursday night, the least busy night of the week and i gave them plenty of notice. After that he told the managers to cut my shifts to 1 a week, and we will try and find someone to replace him by the end of the month. He wanted me out. so i left.
Anyway thats just a dash of whats been going on lately, my rock, my bestie, chloe has moved to surfers paradise for a sea change. She wanted me to come along, but i had uni stuff to finish. I hear these wild stories and just think "fuck i need to just pack up and go.."
who knows, maybe il be blogging from the east coast next post...
"how does it feel, these roads" - Portishead
Monday, June 13, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
radical change is needed!
Hey, im getting slacker and slacker with my blogging but il try and fill ya in.
SO my dad got re-married suprise! i didnt even know till after it happened. I havent met the girl yet. And i dont really know how legitimate it is either. He married some Thai lady called chit. Apparently 29. i dno. Im a lil pissed. There is no gay marriage if i found someone i wanted to seal the deal with, and my dads getting married secretly to any old girl.
Im still friends with the new guy jack. We are alright. i still have it in for him something big but im not sure if i should really bother. i took him out for a picnic exactly 6 months after i first met him. Good friday. was amazing. the view over the city made me realize how beautiful perth can be.
But it wasnt until i met a couple of backpackers i realized how much i need to get out of here. I love my family but i need to do this for myself. These guys were fucking awesome, soo hilarious, got on with them soo well. so i have decided to get my tickets and go to UK in january. im keeping it short tonight. im tired its been a big couple of weeks. works fucking me off.. Im working at the brass monkey. Its been good, but i dont know how much longer i can take. I need a retail job. i need a place i can finally have weekends to myself. well weekend nights. My social life is minimal.
but yeh il elaborate on it more when im a lil less physical pain. My chest is killing me. I coughed up blood a couple of days ago, so im going to get shit checked out. Later y'all
SO my dad got re-married suprise! i didnt even know till after it happened. I havent met the girl yet. And i dont really know how legitimate it is either. He married some Thai lady called chit. Apparently 29. i dno. Im a lil pissed. There is no gay marriage if i found someone i wanted to seal the deal with, and my dads getting married secretly to any old girl.
Im still friends with the new guy jack. We are alright. i still have it in for him something big but im not sure if i should really bother. i took him out for a picnic exactly 6 months after i first met him. Good friday. was amazing. the view over the city made me realize how beautiful perth can be.
But it wasnt until i met a couple of backpackers i realized how much i need to get out of here. I love my family but i need to do this for myself. These guys were fucking awesome, soo hilarious, got on with them soo well. so i have decided to get my tickets and go to UK in january. im keeping it short tonight. im tired its been a big couple of weeks. works fucking me off.. Im working at the brass monkey. Its been good, but i dont know how much longer i can take. I need a retail job. i need a place i can finally have weekends to myself. well weekend nights. My social life is minimal.
but yeh il elaborate on it more when im a lil less physical pain. My chest is killing me. I coughed up blood a couple of days ago, so im going to get shit checked out. Later y'all
Thursday, December 23, 2010
some friends just grow apart, others just fuck you round.
I must say first of all im in love with this verdana font. Everytime i go to post a new blog i have to have it in verdana, OCD? perhaps.. But its been a couple of weeks since my last post. Maybe 2 weeks to be exact. Im not counting the days or anything. Im certainly not counting the days till christmas. Fuck i hate this season. Especially in Australia. Im going to sound like an absolute moaner here but i really hate the unnecessarily hot days we have in summer. Dont get me wrong, i love going out in the sun, maybe not as much as others, but i still enjoy it, i just really cant be fucked with 35 degree days. Once again i leave my christmas shopping to the last minute.. I Went out today to Carousel which is one of the main malls if not the MALL to go to South of the river. Im glad everyone was in the same "cant be fucked" mood as i was.
I was dodging juvie scum and derolicts like no tomorrow. People i once would have waved to if it was mandurah forum. I feel like such a snob coming back to perth, i dont think i have changed though, just dont feel the need to put up with that shit anymore. You may have remember my old housemate shaun from previous blogs. He was one of my good friends. I use was because now it seems he doesn't want a bar of it, has no idea about what being a friend means. He did go through a mildly rough time, he broke up with his bf of 2years, which i was empathetic about, but its hard to show empathy when all he does is bag out his ex, who im still friends with. I understand people break up, but i dont think there is a real need to be so horrible to an ex if it was probably the best thing they could have both done.
I had been on shauns case for a while though. I had gave him (well my mother did) a big cabinet and television for when he moved into his own house. We agreed a $100 would be fine, it wasn't a big ask. It was worth atleast double what we were asking and he was keen for it. That was late september, and we had moved to perth. Its now December and we hadn't seen or heard or anything about it. I had asked him numberous times. I had asked him politely as my mum was on my fucking back about this $100 all the time. I really didn't see the big deal at first but we had moved and spent alot of money, we were broke some weeks and barely scraping by, that 100 would of been pretty handy especially around the christmas season.
We had an arguement anyway, i constantly see him posting statuses about how he is going out clubbing.. It really fucking pissed me off. We really needed that money. I had told him if he was strapped for cash it was cool but we really need it or id pick the cabinet up and we could sell it. I really couldn't be arsed picking up the cabinet. i Just wanted the cash so it was all good again. He started saying i dont give a shit about whats going on, how he had broken up with johan and how his sister just suddenly moved out. I did feel for him in all honesty, but after seeing all these updates about how he is going out all the time i had enough. I found it hypocritical. When chloe owed him around $200 he was on her case everyday, saying how pissed off he is and how he fucking hates her. He got it within 3 weeks. 3 months now and nothing. I ended up being a bit of a smart arse.
Shauns fb status update:
"I hate it when gay guys use you and rip you off"
myself:
"Yeh it sucks.. trust me.."
we ended up having a massive arguement. He said i have been spoon fed all my life. Which is not true, that is one thing that pisses me off. People who think i work for nothing? 95% of everything i own is all from my hard work and saving. I do get help when i need it, not because im spoon fed, because i ask for it. I was sick of all this shit, i had enough. I said i dont want anything to do with him, im not spoon fed, i just dont go around thinking the world is always fucking against me.
The new guy isn't going to well either. We have remained friends, but not without complications. Its not hard these days to go around and visit him without wanting anything. We have got to a nice level of friendship. But i feel like im getting used. And after "him" i really have no time for it. I have been out looking at houses with one of my bestfriends luke and his girlfriend tayla. Jack asked me to pick him up from somewhere close to an hours drive away from where i live. We had finished the house viewing and i was keen to just relax and unwind with "j". I called them up asking if they wanted picked up and if they wanted to do something tonight. My full was almost empty but i didn't really care, my payment when in the next day so i would be alright for fuel in the morning. I drove out to belmont. Fucking trek. I arrived at the house and he stumbled out towards the car. He was pretty stoned. He told me he had vallium to. Instantly i was a little pissed i knew where this was going.
j: "i cant wait to get home and wash my hair and go to bed."
there it was. After looking at shitholes all day and driving copious hours here i am wasting my time again. i was fucking angry and aggitated. I had his christmas present in the car too. Hoping we could chill at his and give it to him. I didn't want to speak to him. I had a bit of a yell, i just wanted to go home on what little fuel i had. He gave me fuel money in the end, but i was still annoyed, all i wanted to do was go see them and unwind. we made up though, he didn't remember much he was pretty fucked when i got him. it just seems like im making all the effort for a friendship i didn't really want in the first place? their beautiful and their great, i jsut wish they made a little more effort as gay as it sounds. Im not dependant on him, but it would still be nice to know i could depend on him? fuck its wierd i dno.. its too early in the morning for writing much longer.
il probs blog again in jan
I was dodging juvie scum and derolicts like no tomorrow. People i once would have waved to if it was mandurah forum. I feel like such a snob coming back to perth, i dont think i have changed though, just dont feel the need to put up with that shit anymore. You may have remember my old housemate shaun from previous blogs. He was one of my good friends. I use was because now it seems he doesn't want a bar of it, has no idea about what being a friend means. He did go through a mildly rough time, he broke up with his bf of 2years, which i was empathetic about, but its hard to show empathy when all he does is bag out his ex, who im still friends with. I understand people break up, but i dont think there is a real need to be so horrible to an ex if it was probably the best thing they could have both done.
I had been on shauns case for a while though. I had gave him (well my mother did) a big cabinet and television for when he moved into his own house. We agreed a $100 would be fine, it wasn't a big ask. It was worth atleast double what we were asking and he was keen for it. That was late september, and we had moved to perth. Its now December and we hadn't seen or heard or anything about it. I had asked him numberous times. I had asked him politely as my mum was on my fucking back about this $100 all the time. I really didn't see the big deal at first but we had moved and spent alot of money, we were broke some weeks and barely scraping by, that 100 would of been pretty handy especially around the christmas season.
We had an arguement anyway, i constantly see him posting statuses about how he is going out clubbing.. It really fucking pissed me off. We really needed that money. I had told him if he was strapped for cash it was cool but we really need it or id pick the cabinet up and we could sell it. I really couldn't be arsed picking up the cabinet. i Just wanted the cash so it was all good again. He started saying i dont give a shit about whats going on, how he had broken up with johan and how his sister just suddenly moved out. I did feel for him in all honesty, but after seeing all these updates about how he is going out all the time i had enough. I found it hypocritical. When chloe owed him around $200 he was on her case everyday, saying how pissed off he is and how he fucking hates her. He got it within 3 weeks. 3 months now and nothing. I ended up being a bit of a smart arse.
Shauns fb status update:
"I hate it when gay guys use you and rip you off"
myself:
"Yeh it sucks.. trust me.."
we ended up having a massive arguement. He said i have been spoon fed all my life. Which is not true, that is one thing that pisses me off. People who think i work for nothing? 95% of everything i own is all from my hard work and saving. I do get help when i need it, not because im spoon fed, because i ask for it. I was sick of all this shit, i had enough. I said i dont want anything to do with him, im not spoon fed, i just dont go around thinking the world is always fucking against me.
The new guy isn't going to well either. We have remained friends, but not without complications. Its not hard these days to go around and visit him without wanting anything. We have got to a nice level of friendship. But i feel like im getting used. And after "him" i really have no time for it. I have been out looking at houses with one of my bestfriends luke and his girlfriend tayla. Jack asked me to pick him up from somewhere close to an hours drive away from where i live. We had finished the house viewing and i was keen to just relax and unwind with "j". I called them up asking if they wanted picked up and if they wanted to do something tonight. My full was almost empty but i didn't really care, my payment when in the next day so i would be alright for fuel in the morning. I drove out to belmont. Fucking trek. I arrived at the house and he stumbled out towards the car. He was pretty stoned. He told me he had vallium to. Instantly i was a little pissed i knew where this was going.
j: "i cant wait to get home and wash my hair and go to bed."
there it was. After looking at shitholes all day and driving copious hours here i am wasting my time again. i was fucking angry and aggitated. I had his christmas present in the car too. Hoping we could chill at his and give it to him. I didn't want to speak to him. I had a bit of a yell, i just wanted to go home on what little fuel i had. He gave me fuel money in the end, but i was still annoyed, all i wanted to do was go see them and unwind. we made up though, he didn't remember much he was pretty fucked when i got him. it just seems like im making all the effort for a friendship i didn't really want in the first place? their beautiful and their great, i jsut wish they made a little more effort as gay as it sounds. Im not dependant on him, but it would still be nice to know i could depend on him? fuck its wierd i dno.. its too early in the morning for writing much longer.
il probs blog again in jan
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
I try to do handstands for you.
Its been a month or so since my last blog, i thought i had met someone with amazing prospects, i believe i may have even mentioned them at the end of my last post. It all seemed to move so quickly and suddenly. I went to his house one day to hang out. I brought around some weed for us to smoke. He is a little bit of a pot head, but i love it. He is soo chilled, makes me look like im neurotic, his laid back attitude towards everything, but the way he is blunt and very precise on his views and opinions. Amazing guy to talk to. He hates the gay scene as well, cant really stand it. Im over it, everyone wants to know who is fucking who, and what the newest cool word to say is. makes me sick, makes me feel like im back in highschool again, something i barely managed to get through in the first place.
Anyway we had been hanging for a few days, smoking in his room, getting high and watching episodes of southpark or family guy. One night i stayed at his. Usually i would drive home but i was too high to drive home. We had been watching the L word and just talking about anything and everything. Although realisitically i had only really known him for a month, i felt like i had known him for atleast a couple of years. We were so honest about everything. Eventually it came time to sleep. He was explaining how he was such a pro at hickeys in the day and would be covered with them. I tried to give it a go, but im absolutely shit. I dno what happened but we crossed eyes and kissed.
"finally.." i said. I had been wanting to do it for ages but it just seemed like it wasn't the right moment.
"you only had to ask" he said with this cheeky accomplished grin on his face.
From then on we had hit it off, he had said to me he had been going through a rough time and really needed friends but it seemed our actions told a different story. I loved it, loved being able to cuddle him and kiss him, this was the sort of physical friendship/relationship i wanted in someone. Someone i could be friends with during the day, really hit it off with then at night show the more affection side of things.
This lasted about 2-4 days.. I dno it seemed the closest thing to perfect i could really think of. We took the piss out of eachother alot, and mocked eachother but all in good fun. I worried i smothered them, it was hard not too want to kiss them and hug them, i even told them, they said they liked it. They looked genuinely happy, really smitten. I think i was too. No complications just good times. Their mum seemed to like me too, which is always a bonus. Some nights we wouldn't sleep. We would just lay there talking to eachother, cuddling up, telling eachother the most secretive things.
I went around late last week, and things seemed different. They were moody and didn't want to be touched. They had a hickey on their shoulder to. It wasn't me, they claimed it was a friend who was mucking around. I feel a little naive trusting them about it. I have a feeling they seen their ex. They were talking about them a lot that day getting really upset. They were sitting on the computer chair and i was on their bed. Kinda holding their legs either side of me. Not in a sexual way just mucking around. They said they dont think they could do this anymore.
me: "what? do what anymore?"
j: "this.. whats going to happen down the line when one of us get a boyfriend or something?"
me: "i dno, i dont really think about it, i dont wanna hook up with anyone else but you right now."
j: "but i dno if i can do this.. i dont think im ready for it.."
I understood, but was absolutely gutted at the same time. They knew they had upset me, but i reassured them that it was ok, their not the first, and they would not be the last. I think i tried to give off this "its ok i didn't really care that much" attitude, and im pretty sure they didn't buy it. They had broken up with their ex only a couple of months ago. The same time me and chris had parted. He had been seeing this guy for 2 years.
I dont know what to think. I still dont know, they seemed soo happy and if they knew what they wanted, so smitten so content. And then there was this sudden change of heart. They were worried i wouldn't be friends with them anymore. I still want to, but its going to be soo hard. I see them now and all i want to do is hug them and go back to that. Its wierd, i really started feeling for this guy.
Anyway we had been hanging for a few days, smoking in his room, getting high and watching episodes of southpark or family guy. One night i stayed at his. Usually i would drive home but i was too high to drive home. We had been watching the L word and just talking about anything and everything. Although realisitically i had only really known him for a month, i felt like i had known him for atleast a couple of years. We were so honest about everything. Eventually it came time to sleep. He was explaining how he was such a pro at hickeys in the day and would be covered with them. I tried to give it a go, but im absolutely shit. I dno what happened but we crossed eyes and kissed.
"finally.." i said. I had been wanting to do it for ages but it just seemed like it wasn't the right moment.
"you only had to ask" he said with this cheeky accomplished grin on his face.
From then on we had hit it off, he had said to me he had been going through a rough time and really needed friends but it seemed our actions told a different story. I loved it, loved being able to cuddle him and kiss him, this was the sort of physical friendship/relationship i wanted in someone. Someone i could be friends with during the day, really hit it off with then at night show the more affection side of things.
This lasted about 2-4 days.. I dno it seemed the closest thing to perfect i could really think of. We took the piss out of eachother alot, and mocked eachother but all in good fun. I worried i smothered them, it was hard not too want to kiss them and hug them, i even told them, they said they liked it. They looked genuinely happy, really smitten. I think i was too. No complications just good times. Their mum seemed to like me too, which is always a bonus. Some nights we wouldn't sleep. We would just lay there talking to eachother, cuddling up, telling eachother the most secretive things.
I went around late last week, and things seemed different. They were moody and didn't want to be touched. They had a hickey on their shoulder to. It wasn't me, they claimed it was a friend who was mucking around. I feel a little naive trusting them about it. I have a feeling they seen their ex. They were talking about them a lot that day getting really upset. They were sitting on the computer chair and i was on their bed. Kinda holding their legs either side of me. Not in a sexual way just mucking around. They said they dont think they could do this anymore.
me: "what? do what anymore?"
j: "this.. whats going to happen down the line when one of us get a boyfriend or something?"
me: "i dno, i dont really think about it, i dont wanna hook up with anyone else but you right now."
j: "but i dno if i can do this.. i dont think im ready for it.."
I understood, but was absolutely gutted at the same time. They knew they had upset me, but i reassured them that it was ok, their not the first, and they would not be the last. I think i tried to give off this "its ok i didn't really care that much" attitude, and im pretty sure they didn't buy it. They had broken up with their ex only a couple of months ago. The same time me and chris had parted. He had been seeing this guy for 2 years.
I dont know what to think. I still dont know, they seemed soo happy and if they knew what they wanted, so smitten so content. And then there was this sudden change of heart. They were worried i wouldn't be friends with them anymore. I still want to, but its going to be soo hard. I see them now and all i want to do is hug them and go back to that. Its wierd, i really started feeling for this guy.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
And what a chapter..
So the saga of "him" has come to an end.. I have moved to perth, the capital of the state i live in. Im close to where i used to live before this blog even began. Its insane. I feel like my life has done a complete 180. I'm amazed at how far i have come and grown over the past 4 years. It was only a couple of weeks ago I was looking back on here thinking wow.. "Him" has ended. I spose i better fill you on the details so here it goes again.
We had been getting along great, better then last time. Things were fucked for him. He was going through soo much i didn't know what to do, but i think in times of great need the best you can ever do is just be there for someone. I would take him out, try and take his mind off things. We would get high and drink till our little hearts were content. I remember going to his house after some shocking news and there had been holes in the doors where he had been so angry he had just destroyed them. I left a bottle of Canadian Club at their house after a big night. His mum woke up to him drinking it at 10 in the morning. It was stupid of me too do. I know a bit of their family history, i shouldn't have enabled him to possibly follow it.
But he seemed to be getting back to his old self. I only had a couple of weeks left in mandurah until the big move. I made the most of it, we did.. I would be out clubbing and he would still be up, i would go see him afterwards and he would keep me up drinking even longer. It was soo much fun now i look back on it.. It was the last night i had in mandurah. I was with chloe, she is amazing, we drank soo much and just had an absolute ball.. Chris was still up at home and he came to chloes when we got back. I was a little upset about leaving, but at the time i think i was too drunk too care, and just made the most of it. I was with the people i loved and it didn't matter.
It was that time of night where everyone started going to bed. Me and him tried putting a movie on. As usual the dvd player wasn't working. We had a serious talk..
Me: "I can't believe im finally moving from mandurah"
Him: "i know... i cant believe im back here.."
Me: "do you like being back here?"
Him: "yeh i missed everyone, its nice to be back with family"
Me: "Did you miss me?"
Him: "I missed you soo much.."
I instantly didn't want to leave mandurah. We snuggled up which was a little out the usual and fell asleep in eachothers arms. Was soo sweet. Possibly one of the more touching moments i have ever had with another guy that wasn't just a one night stand. The next moment i awoke still hammered.. It was daylight by the time i had fell asleep. I had to be up early too help move.. The house was soo bare. It made me want to cry. Just thinking about all the good times and memories i had in the house.
Everything got packed up fairly quickly.. We had done alot of it previously.. It was suprisingly alot easier then i had anticipated, especially as my hangover was starting to kick in.. I was driving one of the cars up with the little bits and pieces in it. I turned on my ipod and away i went. No longer was the house my home. Hole was playing "malibu".. its always been a favourite song of mine. even to this day it reminds me of where i used to live.
It was 2 weeks before my big 2-0. I had invited everyone to come and join in this gay pride festivity thing. Usually im not a fan of that kind of shit, but the dates were too close not to doo something different. I had went to go post on "his" wall to ask if he was still coming. I couldn't help but notice all these less then subtle comments between "him" and this girl. I found out he had been fucking her behind my back for quite some time. I was devastated. If this wasn't heartbreak i'd hate to know what is.. I didn't want to eat, i was considering not having a celebration anymore. I just wasn't up for anything.
I couldn't believe after all i had done for them they would do such a thing. Lie about it too, why couldn't they tell me. Was it just a cover up? i dno i wasn't sticking around any longer to find out. The next couple of weeks were just crazy with alcohol. I didn't want to think about it, i just wanted everything to go away. Photos, memories, conversations.. all of it gone.. As much as i was devastated i couldn't help but think "oh its alright, im sure there is a great explanation for all of this.." no denial was going to make it better. I had tried calling them drunk a couple of times. They answered to me obviously upset.. they just listened..
him: "look liam, i gotta go.."
me: "but what was going on between us?"
him: "im going now.. bye.."
a couple weekends later we went down south for a w.e away. I was over it.. I had been talking to someone else, they were helping me through it. I eventually mustered up enough courage to tell them its over.
"I dont want a reply, nor do i even expect one, but this is it. I dont want to be "friends" no more. After all i have done for you and you still manage to fuck me over. You need to make up your mind, im sick of protecting you, dont come back to me when your next girlfriend fucks you over."
I was happy. With that i felt instantaneously better. There was no wondering anymore, there was no what could of been or anything left to question, that was it, the conclusion to this saga. With that i have been moving on. I have made new friends, and have been getting used to living back in perth. I have an awesome new job. I thought i might of been getting fired at first, but it seems they just wanted to push me to keep getting better and better and quicker and more efficient.
I love it, its always this sort of quest to be the best i can in hospitality. Im serving rich lawyers and office workers their coffee's. Their all a bunch of arseholes, well for the most of it. You have to be polite usually, but all the other workers feel the same, and we give them shit. I have a few gay customers that come in, check me out, makes me feel a little better.
This cute one came in, he was soo up himself, i had to put him in check. Just out of politeness i got their coffee order and asked how their day was. They said they went to the "gym" with the most smug look. Imagine someone trying to impress some blonde bimbo with their guns and the smug smile and up themselves attitude. Thats what i was getting.
Me: "I honestly couldn't care... heres your coffee.."
they looked like i had just killed their first born child, and if their first born son was called ego, then yes i squashed him like a bug. Its great. The managers are an awesome laugh too. I work nights doing some glassy work. I thought business people were spose to drink responsibly and act all sophisticated.. But no, their worst. They get absolutely paraletic, i have had to wake people up and direct them too taxi's.. something i have never done at clubs/pubs before. Its hectic, the manager dave makes it all worth while, if he cant think he makes me do a shot with him. How very nice of him. I feel so gangster doing shots of patrone with him.
I have made a new friend too. They seem really cool, and their also gay.. I duno what to think, i can see something going totally wrong and we just dont talk and have this fall out, but he is one of the few people i can have an absolute shit/boring day and see, then feel like i have truly achieved something with my day. Maybe he is special, im not sure i spose time will tell. We dont even have to be doing anything really amazing. We can be sitting in their room smoking cones watching family guy, its just good company you know? He is funny, and is more down to earth then most other people i know, so chilled. I feel like im so neurotic when i just look at his way of life. Im not going to write anymore, i know they'll probably end up readin this.
"you know what to do, come fly away.. to malibu" - Hole
We had been getting along great, better then last time. Things were fucked for him. He was going through soo much i didn't know what to do, but i think in times of great need the best you can ever do is just be there for someone. I would take him out, try and take his mind off things. We would get high and drink till our little hearts were content. I remember going to his house after some shocking news and there had been holes in the doors where he had been so angry he had just destroyed them. I left a bottle of Canadian Club at their house after a big night. His mum woke up to him drinking it at 10 in the morning. It was stupid of me too do. I know a bit of their family history, i shouldn't have enabled him to possibly follow it.
But he seemed to be getting back to his old self. I only had a couple of weeks left in mandurah until the big move. I made the most of it, we did.. I would be out clubbing and he would still be up, i would go see him afterwards and he would keep me up drinking even longer. It was soo much fun now i look back on it.. It was the last night i had in mandurah. I was with chloe, she is amazing, we drank soo much and just had an absolute ball.. Chris was still up at home and he came to chloes when we got back. I was a little upset about leaving, but at the time i think i was too drunk too care, and just made the most of it. I was with the people i loved and it didn't matter.
It was that time of night where everyone started going to bed. Me and him tried putting a movie on. As usual the dvd player wasn't working. We had a serious talk..
Me: "I can't believe im finally moving from mandurah"
Him: "i know... i cant believe im back here.."
Me: "do you like being back here?"
Him: "yeh i missed everyone, its nice to be back with family"
Me: "Did you miss me?"
Him: "I missed you soo much.."
I instantly didn't want to leave mandurah. We snuggled up which was a little out the usual and fell asleep in eachothers arms. Was soo sweet. Possibly one of the more touching moments i have ever had with another guy that wasn't just a one night stand. The next moment i awoke still hammered.. It was daylight by the time i had fell asleep. I had to be up early too help move.. The house was soo bare. It made me want to cry. Just thinking about all the good times and memories i had in the house.
Everything got packed up fairly quickly.. We had done alot of it previously.. It was suprisingly alot easier then i had anticipated, especially as my hangover was starting to kick in.. I was driving one of the cars up with the little bits and pieces in it. I turned on my ipod and away i went. No longer was the house my home. Hole was playing "malibu".. its always been a favourite song of mine. even to this day it reminds me of where i used to live.
It was 2 weeks before my big 2-0. I had invited everyone to come and join in this gay pride festivity thing. Usually im not a fan of that kind of shit, but the dates were too close not to doo something different. I had went to go post on "his" wall to ask if he was still coming. I couldn't help but notice all these less then subtle comments between "him" and this girl. I found out he had been fucking her behind my back for quite some time. I was devastated. If this wasn't heartbreak i'd hate to know what is.. I didn't want to eat, i was considering not having a celebration anymore. I just wasn't up for anything.
I couldn't believe after all i had done for them they would do such a thing. Lie about it too, why couldn't they tell me. Was it just a cover up? i dno i wasn't sticking around any longer to find out. The next couple of weeks were just crazy with alcohol. I didn't want to think about it, i just wanted everything to go away. Photos, memories, conversations.. all of it gone.. As much as i was devastated i couldn't help but think "oh its alright, im sure there is a great explanation for all of this.." no denial was going to make it better. I had tried calling them drunk a couple of times. They answered to me obviously upset.. they just listened..
him: "look liam, i gotta go.."
me: "but what was going on between us?"
him: "im going now.. bye.."
a couple weekends later we went down south for a w.e away. I was over it.. I had been talking to someone else, they were helping me through it. I eventually mustered up enough courage to tell them its over.
"I dont want a reply, nor do i even expect one, but this is it. I dont want to be "friends" no more. After all i have done for you and you still manage to fuck me over. You need to make up your mind, im sick of protecting you, dont come back to me when your next girlfriend fucks you over."
I was happy. With that i felt instantaneously better. There was no wondering anymore, there was no what could of been or anything left to question, that was it, the conclusion to this saga. With that i have been moving on. I have made new friends, and have been getting used to living back in perth. I have an awesome new job. I thought i might of been getting fired at first, but it seems they just wanted to push me to keep getting better and better and quicker and more efficient.
I love it, its always this sort of quest to be the best i can in hospitality. Im serving rich lawyers and office workers their coffee's. Their all a bunch of arseholes, well for the most of it. You have to be polite usually, but all the other workers feel the same, and we give them shit. I have a few gay customers that come in, check me out, makes me feel a little better.
This cute one came in, he was soo up himself, i had to put him in check. Just out of politeness i got their coffee order and asked how their day was. They said they went to the "gym" with the most smug look. Imagine someone trying to impress some blonde bimbo with their guns and the smug smile and up themselves attitude. Thats what i was getting.
Me: "I honestly couldn't care... heres your coffee.."
they looked like i had just killed their first born child, and if their first born son was called ego, then yes i squashed him like a bug. Its great. The managers are an awesome laugh too. I work nights doing some glassy work. I thought business people were spose to drink responsibly and act all sophisticated.. But no, their worst. They get absolutely paraletic, i have had to wake people up and direct them too taxi's.. something i have never done at clubs/pubs before. Its hectic, the manager dave makes it all worth while, if he cant think he makes me do a shot with him. How very nice of him. I feel so gangster doing shots of patrone with him.
I have made a new friend too. They seem really cool, and their also gay.. I duno what to think, i can see something going totally wrong and we just dont talk and have this fall out, but he is one of the few people i can have an absolute shit/boring day and see, then feel like i have truly achieved something with my day. Maybe he is special, im not sure i spose time will tell. We dont even have to be doing anything really amazing. We can be sitting in their room smoking cones watching family guy, its just good company you know? He is funny, and is more down to earth then most other people i know, so chilled. I feel like im so neurotic when i just look at his way of life. Im not going to write anymore, i know they'll probably end up readin this.
"you know what to do, come fly away.. to malibu" - Hole
Monday, September 13, 2010
why i still bother amazes me..
so what a turn of events.. after a year of uncertainty im slowly getting some back. Their back in town, by them i mean the person in the last few blogs i have been incredibly hung up on. I was just sitting in my web design class and they suddenly appeared on facebook chat.. I didn't know what to say, or if i should even give them the time of day after how long they had left me for. But being my stupid self i did it.
We engaged in a conversation and he said he was back in Mandurah. My heart was racing, i was genuinly so happy to hear they were back. The last time i seen them was when i was walking up their street to visit my other friend. It didn't feel like enough time to even catch up on all that had happened. There were soo many moment i just wanted them to be there for, just an ear to listen or a hug to know things will get better. They told me that had broken up with their current love of 8months. They had cheated on them 4 times and he only just found out.
It infuriates me to hear things like this. Knowing if things worked out the way i had once hoped i could of treated them better, shown them loyalty and just do anything in the world to try and make things better for them. What infuriates me even more is i went round to visit them after my web design class and they still wanted to take them back. I felt so hypocritical. I was saying "dont, dont.." but i know if was me in that situation with them i would most likely crumble.
He had been going through a really rough time, im not going to disclose what had happened to them, but i can tell you on face value, its fucked. I know i probably shouldn't of, but i went round to visit him almost everyday of the week to try and take his mind off things, take him out and try and give him some carelessness after whats been going on. As much as i want to believe they appreciate all i do for them, i think alot of it goes un-noticed. Im making all the effort to hang, im calling them up to see if they want to go out. Im trying to keep my distance as i know shits rough but i see them complaining of boredom and just sitting at home and i come to that begging call.
I have taken them out a couple times and tried to rekindle what sort of friendship he had with my friends that year ago. He is different now, he is even more quiet then usual, but i still try and remain understanding that he is going through alot. Every now and then i get a glimpse at the old them, and how we were. They'll tell me whats on their mind, thank me, make me feel like i am a friend and not just this option thats always there.
I feel like a dick for going back here, but at the same time i think im living off the hopes that something might change. Is it true people never change? i hope not. I think you can't change a person but i think you can mould them and guide them. I just want them to know im always there for them, and that im not just another aqquaintance. I remember a time they would text me alot asking what i was up to and if we wanted to hang. But now im lucky to get a reply unless i just drop round.
I feel like a fucking stalker i honestly do. I hate this feeling, i feel like im doing the right thing and the wrong thing at the same time. I want to sit down and have a serious talk with them about whats happened, but i dont want to force any unnecessary worry on them. So for now I just try and engage in normal conversation and try and let them do all the talking. I only have 2 weeks even less though until i move an hours drive away. And i know that once im gone, that will be it. If i dont put in that effort anymore then i wont see them, and it kills me.
Sometimes i feel like they do care back, and are just too afraid to show it, but in the same breathe maybe im just pursueing a friendship that was never really there to begin with. I just want to put and end to all this confusion, and atleast now i am in contact with them again i might be able to get some closure. I dont know why i feel the way i do about them, its not even a matter of them being attractive (which they are in my eyes), there is just something more, i dont usually feel it with anyone. They could be the most dero person i have ever met, i think i will still always have that place, and care whole heartedly for them. I dont know if this is love, but if it isn't i cant wait to see what it really is like. Just being in the presence of this person brings me soo much life. And although at times they can be the cause of soo much frustration, it seems it doesn't matter when all is going right again..
il let you know how things go.
We engaged in a conversation and he said he was back in Mandurah. My heart was racing, i was genuinly so happy to hear they were back. The last time i seen them was when i was walking up their street to visit my other friend. It didn't feel like enough time to even catch up on all that had happened. There were soo many moment i just wanted them to be there for, just an ear to listen or a hug to know things will get better. They told me that had broken up with their current love of 8months. They had cheated on them 4 times and he only just found out.
It infuriates me to hear things like this. Knowing if things worked out the way i had once hoped i could of treated them better, shown them loyalty and just do anything in the world to try and make things better for them. What infuriates me even more is i went round to visit them after my web design class and they still wanted to take them back. I felt so hypocritical. I was saying "dont, dont.." but i know if was me in that situation with them i would most likely crumble.
He had been going through a really rough time, im not going to disclose what had happened to them, but i can tell you on face value, its fucked. I know i probably shouldn't of, but i went round to visit him almost everyday of the week to try and take his mind off things, take him out and try and give him some carelessness after whats been going on. As much as i want to believe they appreciate all i do for them, i think alot of it goes un-noticed. Im making all the effort to hang, im calling them up to see if they want to go out. Im trying to keep my distance as i know shits rough but i see them complaining of boredom and just sitting at home and i come to that begging call.
I have taken them out a couple times and tried to rekindle what sort of friendship he had with my friends that year ago. He is different now, he is even more quiet then usual, but i still try and remain understanding that he is going through alot. Every now and then i get a glimpse at the old them, and how we were. They'll tell me whats on their mind, thank me, make me feel like i am a friend and not just this option thats always there.
I feel like a dick for going back here, but at the same time i think im living off the hopes that something might change. Is it true people never change? i hope not. I think you can't change a person but i think you can mould them and guide them. I just want them to know im always there for them, and that im not just another aqquaintance. I remember a time they would text me alot asking what i was up to and if we wanted to hang. But now im lucky to get a reply unless i just drop round.
I feel like a fucking stalker i honestly do. I hate this feeling, i feel like im doing the right thing and the wrong thing at the same time. I want to sit down and have a serious talk with them about whats happened, but i dont want to force any unnecessary worry on them. So for now I just try and engage in normal conversation and try and let them do all the talking. I only have 2 weeks even less though until i move an hours drive away. And i know that once im gone, that will be it. If i dont put in that effort anymore then i wont see them, and it kills me.
Sometimes i feel like they do care back, and are just too afraid to show it, but in the same breathe maybe im just pursueing a friendship that was never really there to begin with. I just want to put and end to all this confusion, and atleast now i am in contact with them again i might be able to get some closure. I dont know why i feel the way i do about them, its not even a matter of them being attractive (which they are in my eyes), there is just something more, i dont usually feel it with anyone. They could be the most dero person i have ever met, i think i will still always have that place, and care whole heartedly for them. I dont know if this is love, but if it isn't i cant wait to see what it really is like. Just being in the presence of this person brings me soo much life. And although at times they can be the cause of soo much frustration, it seems it doesn't matter when all is going right again..
il let you know how things go.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
its 12:23pm on a Sunday
Being my usual self, im hung over.. it was my friends 21st last night. Dont get me wrong i enjoyed it, and im glad the people who came did, it was good to catch up with everyone again. But i dont know what to think about it in total.. As much as i am mates with the guy whose 21st it was, i had this feeling like a little voice inside my head "dont go, just give this one a miss.."
Im still trying to comprehend what even happened last night, and how i managed to drive home.. My mouth was soo dry, and i could still smell the vodka in my breath. It was a less then desirable morning. I half expected what was going to happen last night, i should of known better then to give it a miss.
I dont know, i dont feel like i was a dickhead last night, but maybe i was. I ended up getting my eye clawed by his sister for being my scarcastic self anyway. I did kinda ask for it, but i was only joking around, i didn't think she would take things soo seriously. I was told she was a crazy bitch, i should of listened..
I was also told last night that this straight kid i playfully flirt with wants to fucking bash me the next time i crack onto them. Im actually mega upset about that, i didn't even crack onto him hard, or feel i was being too full on for him. it wasn't even them that could nut up and tell me it was their friend. I dont know what to think, i actually do kinda like this kid as well, we play fight like brothers would and just mess around and be dickheads, i dont have alot of "friends" who do that, i find it liberating.
I feel like everyone thinks cause im gay, i dont enjoy these things. I like being a guy, i like doing guy things too alot of peoples suprise, i mean im not the sportiest kid. But i like going out every now and again and i duno kick a footy, or go to the beach and stuff. With this person its like they understood, but maybe i was wrong. Maybe their just as close minded as everyone else..
It seems I'm too gay for the straight world, too straight for the gay world.. Can someone please just tell me where i fit, because fucked if i know now.
Im still trying to comprehend what even happened last night, and how i managed to drive home.. My mouth was soo dry, and i could still smell the vodka in my breath. It was a less then desirable morning. I half expected what was going to happen last night, i should of known better then to give it a miss.
I dont know, i dont feel like i was a dickhead last night, but maybe i was. I ended up getting my eye clawed by his sister for being my scarcastic self anyway. I did kinda ask for it, but i was only joking around, i didn't think she would take things soo seriously. I was told she was a crazy bitch, i should of listened..
I was also told last night that this straight kid i playfully flirt with wants to fucking bash me the next time i crack onto them. Im actually mega upset about that, i didn't even crack onto him hard, or feel i was being too full on for him. it wasn't even them that could nut up and tell me it was their friend. I dont know what to think, i actually do kinda like this kid as well, we play fight like brothers would and just mess around and be dickheads, i dont have alot of "friends" who do that, i find it liberating.
I feel like everyone thinks cause im gay, i dont enjoy these things. I like being a guy, i like doing guy things too alot of peoples suprise, i mean im not the sportiest kid. But i like going out every now and again and i duno kick a footy, or go to the beach and stuff. With this person its like they understood, but maybe i was wrong. Maybe their just as close minded as everyone else..
It seems I'm too gay for the straight world, too straight for the gay world.. Can someone please just tell me where i fit, because fucked if i know now.
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