So im out my angsty teenage stage and moving into adulthood. Thank fuck for that, i think some of the darkest moments and blogs i have ever written a few years ago. Its good, with age i think im learning to rashionally think about any problems that arise in life and look at solving it from every angle not just one of my own. So this is a blog with a little happier tone than most previously.
I have finished my first trimester of Uni/SAE today.. finished with an exam, which absolutely slaughtered me.. i think i was confident with maybe 30 percent of the questions being asked. It was ridiculously hard. But on a good note i have 2 weeks of freedom to collect myself, look for a job and get some shit sorted financialy. I been pretty broke lately.. I have been looking for jobs but no luck yet. Im getting into a little bit of dj'ing and mixing atm, and am hoping to get good enough to get a payed a little on the side to do it. I love it, almost as much as i love writing music. I think im pissing my mates off with it though it seems all im doing is telling them "man check this out! this song goes hell good with this one".. but oh well, i have introduced a few of my mates to the programme im using and they are addicted to it as well.
The last couple of weeks i have made a couple of new mates. I make mates all the time but i think these people are really quite something. We have been hanging out heaps the past few weeks and i dno it just never gets old, we all seem to really enjoy eachothers company and have a wicked laugh whenever we are all together.. Everyone is fairly open and truthful to one and other which i think is great. We all smoke a bit of pot and just chill, or play video games, its soo cruisy and there is no massive need to go out and get absolutely totalled. Dont get me wrong i love getting blitzed but its good to have a break from it.
I been quitting smoking lately as well.. this is my 4th time ahah.. I do really well for a while then just fall back into it again. Im only on my 2nd day without it, but i dont feel any withdrawals or massive cravings which is fucking sweet. The first time i properly quit i couldn't sleep properly for 4 days straight and was a moody prick. this time round im fine, just trying to replace the habit with something else..
I seen the old flame mentioned in the previous blog. For the sake of any future blogs, il refer to them as "him" to try and not subject them to any homo criticism. But it was completely unexpected, but i had a feeling at the same time. I was walking to one of my bestmates, chloes house and thought "fuck this, im going the short cut". I usually dont go that way purely cause i have to pass "his" house on the way. But today it was freezing, and raining so i couldnt be fucked making the walk any longer then it had to be. Im walking down to chloes house practically on her street and this person comes round the corner and starts walking up the street. I keep walking not taking too much notice but they kept on looking..
I took my hood off and as we got closer it was "him". I didn't know what to do.. part of me wanted to just be like "What the fuck happened?!" and another part of me just wanted to hug them and tell them how much i had missed them. It was like something from a movie.. The sky was grey, both walking in the rain, and running into eachother.. We met in the middle of the road.. Not even thinking about if a car came round the corner. I offered them a cigarette and we stood there and talked abut what we had been up too.. He is going to do an apprenticeship and move away from mandurah.. It was his girlfriends and his 6 months that day, and he was graduating tafe at the end of the week. I was actually really happy to hear most of it, its good to know he is doing something with himself.
I told him what i had been up 2, some of the highlights of the past few months id wish i could of shared with him at the time. This was literally the first time i had spoken to them in atleast 7 months.. I offered to walk them home and we headed back up the hill to their house.. we stood on his driveway trying to to talk as much as we could before we had to go. I dno, alot was said, but there was still soo much left to say.. I gave them a hug and left to chloes. They said their usually in mandurah on weekends and we should catch up sometime, but i dno. I wouldn't mind talking and hanging out but things wont be the same.. i just have a feeling..
I needed to see "him" though to realise maybe this was for the best.
"her mind has been made up, theres plenty more fish in the sea"
Friday, June 25, 2010
Friday, June 4, 2010
fuck its been even longer..
so its been a good couple of years since my last post.. I dont even know where to begin. But i will give it a go. So everyone knows I'm Gay. I have probable said this in the last post but just refreshing your thoughts. I imagine it would explain alot, after reading any previous posts i have made. Im not going around flaunting it, im still just myself, not getting some fucked up rhianna hair do and wearing outrageously camp outfits.
As for the dylan saga.. it is well and truly over, i have remained friends with him, and we help eachother out with lifts and stuff when we are stuck. I pick up my little sister abbi and ella (4 & 5 now) and i ocassionally see Lisa, his mother and we have a chat and tell each other whats been going on. He has a girlfriend now call izzy, she is beautiful and seems to be a really nice person. I had to pick them up from the traino once cause they were stuck, was the least i could do after he had picked me up from my old work numerous times.
My Mums boyfriend is no longer around either. Im 19 now and they broke up the day after my 18th. My 18th was crazy, probably one of the funnest nights i have had in my life. My bestmate luke (the one i used to like way back when) bought me a laser machine, I got a disco ball from things and there was just lasers and blue lighting lighting up the garden. PMF let me borrow their PA so the music was absolutely pumping to. But the nieghbour didn't like it. Someone dropped their shoe over their fence accidently (i know it sounds like its on purpose but its easy to do if you knew the layout of our backyard). He was fucking pissed after that. He came round and told us to shut the party down. No fucking way was i going to do that. We reasoned with him and told the guests to pack it in and stop fucking around in the neighbours yard. He still wasn't happy and Martin (my mums bf at the time) and the neighbour almost got in a blue. After that martin being his alcoholic self (not known at the time) got absolutely hammered and took off in the car with my mp3. I wasn't fussed the party was over by 2am anyway so it was no big deal.
This time was it for my mum, she finally broke it off and stayed strong. No getting back together with him. He kept trying to ween his way back into the family and i knew mum was going to submit. I'd had enough of living at home, and with that i went to live with one of my old workmates Shaun (i worked with him at boost juice). They had invited me around every so often, and i loved the place. Was an amazing house in Mariners Cove right near where we use to live. The rent was cheap as there was going to be 4 of us living together for $350 p/w.
I packed the last of my stuff and had started getting coldfeet. I was financially really good, i was working at the Peel Alehouse earning close to 600 p/w. But i was also attending a remedial massage course in fremantle. So i was a little worried it might effect my outcomes, and as you will find out later rightfully so. But for now i knew i had to do it, just to prove to myself i could be independant and didn't need to rely on my mum to look after me. I was excited about doing all them trivial things you do when you move out like Shopping for food, doing up the house, organizing my room, having people over whenever i wanted. I knew i would miss my family, especially Ella and Abbi, they were just getting to that stage where they were growing their personalities and fuck i loved everything about them. I still do. They were an absolute god send, i can't imagine life without them. I had packed the last of my things in the car, and this was it, as of this day forward Jan 10th 2009, i was out on my own. I gave my brother and lil sisters a hug and started tearing up. I couldn't help but think i was abandoning them, and i think mum thought it was her fault. She walked me out the front.
Mum: "So.. this is it.."
Liam: "yeah.. im not leaving because of you guys though, you do know this.."
Mum started crying. And came over and gave me a cuddle
Mum: "You know i love you soo much.. and your always welcome back no matter what.."
She had me started now, we were both crying our eyes out next to my shitheap of a car..
Liam: "Yeh you know i love you soo much.. Your my mum, and im not abandoning you, its just i think this is my time you know? i want to see what its like.. I love you"
I got in the car and drove round the corner. I think some of the innoecent Liam, was left behind that day. From there on my life was about to change.
My housemates were Kya, an old workmate too. I had never really spoken to her much at work though, she was new and always flirting with one of the other guys working there. I thought of her as a bit of a goody 2 shoes, and ditzy bitch. Fuck how i was soo wrong. She was and still is one of the coolest girls i have met in my life.
Among Kya was another girl, who turned out to be bisexual, Samara. She has changed my view on everything, Out of all the housemates i grew closest to her. She told me stories of her past and all the shit she has been through. Her dad in jail, her mother a reformed addict, 8 siblings, she had to look after them. I think holy fuck, how do you do that and come out such a beautiful person inside and out. She answered back "there are people worst off".
and ofcourse there was Shaun, my good friend, and bad influence. I say that loosely, cause of the things im about to speak of, i was more then willing. It just took a little nudge from someone, and that person was shaun. If i ever had a problem, he wouldn't pussyfoot around and tell me what i want to hear. He would tell me how he seen it, which was what i really needed to hear. It certainly wisened me up a bit to the world. here i was pre moving out thinking i knew soo much about the world and how things work, but after living with these people, my mind was blown.
It wasn't long before we became a close knit group of friends. Yeh we had our bad habits and little quarrels but nothing major. People began referring to us as the jubata crew. We'd go shopping together and go out for lunch and shit with eachother, I started feeling really independant now. Like an actual adult, not just a teen. We were close, family even, painted art together and put it up around the house. Im getting so nostalgic thinking back on it.
We used to have alot of people over to. We had an upcoming band 'The revolvers' come round heaps to jam since we weren't using much of our living room. They kept their amps and equipment at the house so when we left we would have a crack at it. I was the only one who knew how to play guitar so i would try and teach Sam (samara) and Kya how to play and we'd all sing. We used to get stoned with them as well. I had dabbled in weed before, but it wasn't till i was out of home that i started getting into it a little heavier. I remember the first time i had the giggles from it. Kya went out to go get shopping and shaun was having a cone. He is insane with them, would just pile it in. But he nagged me to have one. Kya said cya and left said she'd be back shortly. I caved in and was like 'yeh okay watevs..' Shaun and i were talking and he seen if he had any cigarettes left. He had 3 and was stoked and said to his cigarette packed "Good gurl!"
That was it for me. I was in hysterics.. i physically couldn't stop laughing i was confined to our outdoor chair just laughing my head off. Kya came out to this boisterious cackle (i gotta admit i do have a bizarre laugh) and was like WTF? and looked at me. I had tears in my eyes. I tried to explain it to her, but couldn't hold myself together. I had to go to bed, was soo high.
I did weed regularly now. We used to sell an ounce of weed here and there to help pay the rent, and give us more money to spend on other drugs. Nothing hardcore, just ecstasy, dexties and ritalin. The weed was always there. We used to get together and bag up the weed. Have a laugh and pick out the stem and what not. We didn't wanna be the people who stinged people on it, but we didn't wanna be the people who weren't making money from it either, so they were a fair size.
Kya's parents owned the house. They knew and were fine with it. Her mother used to dabble a bit in it as well. But she gave up soon after we moved in and gave us all this weed she had left over. There was soo much leaf. We made a mullcake, as we had just moved in and were short on kitchen utensils so we strained the butter from the bull with the flyscreen we took off and washed. Peel Alehouse had let me go, and Kya hooked me up with a glassy job at 'Toucan' club (is a hole) to help me get by. She worked as a bar girl at Players. They were owned by the same people and she would finish around the same time as me. We would come back to jubata and smoke weed and go to bed. But the mullcake was in the fridge after work one night. So we both had about a third of it. we were talking for ages and nothing happened. We decided to call it a night and went to walk into the room to sleep. I have never felt so heavy in my life. We ended up sleeping in the same bed cause we were so high and felt like we were melting into the mattress. Next day i met Kya's mother for the first time. I was still stoned as fuck and couldn't even string a sentence together.. it was 4pm the next day.
Kya's birthday was coming up. Her mum payed for all of us to stay at the burswood for a weekend. They are well off, but still i thought it was amazing. We had a plan to sell an ounce each this week and the profits would be used as spending money for the weekend. One of our friends were going to hook us up with ten e's for the weekend for a really god price so we did it. I had done it before. It was no biggie. The friday night we got there and i was a bit tired. Me and Kya Snorted half a pill each. I was buzzed had an awesome night out at the clubs. Shaun was meeting with Johan a guy he had kind of been seeing at the time. They had only met a few weeks earlier. Johan ended up staying with us at the hotel. The next day we were tired, but determined to make it an epic weekend, it was already brilliant. We smoked copious amounts of weed in the room. I snorted an e as well before we left to go to the clubs. I was a fucking wreck. Having a ball but chewing my lips off. I wanted more, snorted another half. Then we were going to go to the rise so we ended up crushing the pills behind a car parked out front this random building (later turned out to be a church). I have never been soo fucked in my life. We got back to the hotel around 3-4am and sat in a circle o the bed all wide eyed smoking cones. We were videoing it.
Something ticked. I couldn't look at johan, his eyes literally looked like a cartoon. I was looking at everyone and they looked 2d and not real. My mind was racing and the paranoia of the weed was kicking in. I couldn't feel my body. I felt like i was floating. My head actually felt like i could of put my hand through it. I was panicking. I couldn't tell if i was hot or cold. I thought my body was overheating and i had no idea. My heart was pounding out my chest. i could physically see it pulsating. They told me too calm down and go for a cold shower to hydrate myself. I was sitting in there thinking "tonights the night im going to die". I got out, and still the music was inside my head.. Birds of tokyo feeling like it was about to cave my head in. Shaun took me for a walk down the hallway. I thought maybe i just need to see someones (who hadn't done drugs that night) eyes. I didn't want to go down the elevator i thought it would freak me out. But someone was walking to the elevator. so i went to look at them and this black sheath appeared and went round their eyes. I was tripping out, the hallway seemed to be fluctuating in length. I got back in the room. I asked them 'If i was peaking out would you guys please call an ambulance?' i though they'd say yes but they replied
"Liam, ambulances are like $600"
I was freaking out, all i can remember thinking was im going to die. Shaun decided it was time we all go to bed. He turned the music off, and all the lights. My mind was still racing. I asked Kya if she would look after me for the night and she cuddled me to sleep. I didn't want to sleep. I thought i wouldn't wake up. I remember thinking "this is it. im just going to be known by my family as that brother, son that OD'd on drugs in his teens".
I woke up scattered and shakey, but managed to drive home. I didn't touch ecstasy from there on. I just went stupid on it. I didn't even smoke weed for a good while after that. I was paranoid that it would kick the e back in. My pupils were pin drops on the drive home, maybe i was still off my head..
From then on i have never been the same. Im getting back to my old self now. I ended up moving out of jubata 4 months later. In august. Our "friend" had ripped me off $300 claiming she was in debt by dealers. My tafe graduation i had no money. I had to borrow it off mum. I still seen mum regularly, i missed them. i just wanted to be with them again. The next day i went into kya's room. She was coming down off pills. Everything seemed fucked. Samara had left, i loved her so much, like a sister. Everyone was pissed off cause she left to sydney to meet this girl that she loved. She had met her before. I understood that, i didn't want her living in regret. I remember when she told me. I was in her room. We both just started crying, we had grown so close, she wasn't sure if she was coming back. I didn't want to be left with shaun and kya, they didn't get along with eachother, samara was the only one i could just chill with without any bitchiness going on.
But to my point Keeley the "friend" who ripped me off $300 dollars had bought another batch of pills to sell to with my money i gave her to try and recover the debt she was in. But Kya had been getting fed ecstasy for free and keeley wasn't making money from the pills she was just eating them. She had become a pill fein and still is today. I was raging, kya told me to fuck off, and claimed she knew nothing about it. We had a screaming match and i went for a drive and visited mum. She got me a trailer that day and i moved out. Me and kya are friends again, we do love eachother, its just money,drugs and friends dont mix.
Martin wasn't allowed to see mum now. I was living out of home at the time. But mum had moved houses to hallshead. Martin moved a few streets away so he could see Abbi and Ella more (his daughters). One night he was looking after them. They weren't settling down and he was a little drunk. He called mum screaming at her too come round because Ella wouldn't settle and go to bed. Mum went round. As soon as she went in his house, he locked the doors. He started shoving mum around and getting physical with her. Mum would try to leave but he kept pushing her away from the door and pinning her to the walls im told. She ended up grabbing Ella (who witnessed the whole thing and was balling her eyes out, scared out of her mind) and made a run for it, and got out and drove home and locked the doors. She called the police and our grandad. Our grandad is a hardcase. Not that old, but he could fuck him up easily. Mum needed to get Abbi from the house. Mum got a restraining order against martin for 24hours after the incident. He came round the following day while everyone was in bed trying to bash the door down and get in the house screaming at my mum too let him in. The police came and now we dont see him. He has a 2year Violent restraining order against him.
He came round only a couple of months ago. He waltzed on in uninvited. We played it cool, didn't want him to snap or anything. My mum had a few drinks and was out in the garage. He was out talking to her, he yelled at me to come out but i kept on ignoring him. He came in and demanded "I shake his hand".
Me - "Im not shaking your hand.."
Martin *drunk* - "I know i made mistakes but just shake my hand!"
Me - "no.. you disgust me, i dont even want to speak to you, i dont even want to know your still living.."
He walked out into the garage in a rage.
I went out to have a look and he was forcing my mum to kiss him. I locked the House up all doors so he couldn't get in at all. My mum was outside still. I told martin to call a taxi and he wouldn't.
Me: "I called a taxi now, so you can leave an wait for it, or i can call the cops and tell them you have violated your VRO YOUR choice!"
Martin: "FUCK YOU! come out here and BE A FUCKING MAN ABOUT IT! *next line was in my mums ear* Your just going to let your faggot son rule your life forever!! *back to me* Fuck you liam!! wait till i see you out buddy!"
I opened the garage door and he ran off. Mum went to bed. I had already called the cops. I should of kept him trapped in the garage. But he would of gone to prison and Ella and Abbi claim they dont have a dad as it is. I slept with a knife next to my bed that night just incase he came back. The police couldn't take a statement from mum because she was "intoxicated"
I met a guy though this past year. He changed my life, i thought luke and dylan was true love. But i honestly have never felt that way about anyother person but him. Im not going to say his name, i feel like i should protect him from any "gay" criticism. I dont wish it on people to be gay. But he was a skater, straight acting. His smile, His eyes, the stupid shit he did was what made me love him most. We would take dexties and go out driving. He would stay at jubata with me when i went to see shaun. He smoked alot of weed, but it was wierd he was more talkitive on it. By day he was my bestfriend, but when it was us, i duno it just seemed like something more. Maybe i was tricking myself. He had a bit of a rough upbringing too. I really felt for his mother, she is a strong women, looking after soo many people and her children.
I would go around and see him when he was "grounded" and we would watch movies. It was an unspoken attraction to eachother. What happened behind closed doors stayed with us. We would smoke j's around the side of his house, drive to macca's. We would have the presets cranking in the car smoking marlboro golds. Almost everyday we would hang out for a solid month or 2. but then i had to stop hanging with him. I told him i was finding him attractive and i wanted to keep this friendship. He understood, he said i was a good friend and doesn't want anything to change that. fuck i loved him soo much. He told me he got a gf. I was devastated. But was determined to keep the friendship. He would still come "see" me even when he was with her. I remember picking him up from a party cause he had gotten in a fight. I left my work (players bar) to go pick him up. I raced over there ready to fucking kill. I was soo protective of him. He got in the car and i didn't know what to do. i just gave him a cuddle and dropped him off at jubata. I told him we can talk about it after work, we went back to jubata and we scraped some resin. We set up guitar hero and i had to go work.
him: "thanks liam.. *hug*"
Liam: "it's alright kido, il see you after work.."
I have said it heaps, but fuck i loved him soo much.. But god i dont know what it was about him, he was physically attractive but it was just so much more, he had such a loving nature, the quiet type, but when he talked you didn't want him to stop. Pulp fiction says "you know you found someone special when you can sit in eachothers company and just enjoy the silence". That was it. I just enjoyed being in his presence.
All good things come to an end though. Last time i seen him was at my friend chloes house. Previously i had been a drunken idiot, and we had a lil argument about him trying crack. Rightfully so though, if he had seen the people who came to jubata when i lived there he wouldn't wanna even see/touch that shit. He has soo much potential to do great things in life, i dont want him going and ruining it by doing crack. But after the dust setlled we were in chloes room just play fighting like brothers would. it was soo fun, it was if he had let his guard down for once and was just mucking around. I think i fucked up though. i was sitting up and he was laying down.
me: "do you mind if i kiss you?"
him: "hmmm.. just on the cheek"
he had a gf at the time. He seemed pretty commited to her. But i think that was it. I picked up a jumper i gave him a few weeks later. He looked a little sad, but i duno if he was he said he was tired. I gave him a cigarette and told him what i had been up to and he did to.
Me: "well i suppose i better be off"
him: "mmm..i..il walk you out"
and that was it. I dont know what happened. I feel like i fucked things up, all i really want to do is know what happened. It went from being so perfect to falling to shit within 2 weeks.. When i asked to kiss him, did it get too real? I hooked up with someone he knew, but he would openly tell me about how he was sleeping with so and so and i would shrug it off.. But i think maybe that wound him up. But i think the more i think about it, the further away i get from what actually happened, maybe it wasn't really there at all.. Despite my feelings and numerous signs saying otherwise, maybe it just wasn't there. But thats what i have been up too the last year in a very confined nut shell. Il doo this more often from now on i promise.
"Its in your eyes, the love you know that.. the ones you love you lost completely.." - Presets
As for the dylan saga.. it is well and truly over, i have remained friends with him, and we help eachother out with lifts and stuff when we are stuck. I pick up my little sister abbi and ella (4 & 5 now) and i ocassionally see Lisa, his mother and we have a chat and tell each other whats been going on. He has a girlfriend now call izzy, she is beautiful and seems to be a really nice person. I had to pick them up from the traino once cause they were stuck, was the least i could do after he had picked me up from my old work numerous times.
My Mums boyfriend is no longer around either. Im 19 now and they broke up the day after my 18th. My 18th was crazy, probably one of the funnest nights i have had in my life. My bestmate luke (the one i used to like way back when) bought me a laser machine, I got a disco ball from things and there was just lasers and blue lighting lighting up the garden. PMF let me borrow their PA so the music was absolutely pumping to. But the nieghbour didn't like it. Someone dropped their shoe over their fence accidently (i know it sounds like its on purpose but its easy to do if you knew the layout of our backyard). He was fucking pissed after that. He came round and told us to shut the party down. No fucking way was i going to do that. We reasoned with him and told the guests to pack it in and stop fucking around in the neighbours yard. He still wasn't happy and Martin (my mums bf at the time) and the neighbour almost got in a blue. After that martin being his alcoholic self (not known at the time) got absolutely hammered and took off in the car with my mp3. I wasn't fussed the party was over by 2am anyway so it was no big deal.
This time was it for my mum, she finally broke it off and stayed strong. No getting back together with him. He kept trying to ween his way back into the family and i knew mum was going to submit. I'd had enough of living at home, and with that i went to live with one of my old workmates Shaun (i worked with him at boost juice). They had invited me around every so often, and i loved the place. Was an amazing house in Mariners Cove right near where we use to live. The rent was cheap as there was going to be 4 of us living together for $350 p/w.
I packed the last of my stuff and had started getting coldfeet. I was financially really good, i was working at the Peel Alehouse earning close to 600 p/w. But i was also attending a remedial massage course in fremantle. So i was a little worried it might effect my outcomes, and as you will find out later rightfully so. But for now i knew i had to do it, just to prove to myself i could be independant and didn't need to rely on my mum to look after me. I was excited about doing all them trivial things you do when you move out like Shopping for food, doing up the house, organizing my room, having people over whenever i wanted. I knew i would miss my family, especially Ella and Abbi, they were just getting to that stage where they were growing their personalities and fuck i loved everything about them. I still do. They were an absolute god send, i can't imagine life without them. I had packed the last of my things in the car, and this was it, as of this day forward Jan 10th 2009, i was out on my own. I gave my brother and lil sisters a hug and started tearing up. I couldn't help but think i was abandoning them, and i think mum thought it was her fault. She walked me out the front.
Mum: "So.. this is it.."
Liam: "yeah.. im not leaving because of you guys though, you do know this.."
Mum started crying. And came over and gave me a cuddle
Mum: "You know i love you soo much.. and your always welcome back no matter what.."
She had me started now, we were both crying our eyes out next to my shitheap of a car..
Liam: "Yeh you know i love you soo much.. Your my mum, and im not abandoning you, its just i think this is my time you know? i want to see what its like.. I love you"
I got in the car and drove round the corner. I think some of the innoecent Liam, was left behind that day. From there on my life was about to change.
My housemates were Kya, an old workmate too. I had never really spoken to her much at work though, she was new and always flirting with one of the other guys working there. I thought of her as a bit of a goody 2 shoes, and ditzy bitch. Fuck how i was soo wrong. She was and still is one of the coolest girls i have met in my life.
Among Kya was another girl, who turned out to be bisexual, Samara. She has changed my view on everything, Out of all the housemates i grew closest to her. She told me stories of her past and all the shit she has been through. Her dad in jail, her mother a reformed addict, 8 siblings, she had to look after them. I think holy fuck, how do you do that and come out such a beautiful person inside and out. She answered back "there are people worst off".
and ofcourse there was Shaun, my good friend, and bad influence. I say that loosely, cause of the things im about to speak of, i was more then willing. It just took a little nudge from someone, and that person was shaun. If i ever had a problem, he wouldn't pussyfoot around and tell me what i want to hear. He would tell me how he seen it, which was what i really needed to hear. It certainly wisened me up a bit to the world. here i was pre moving out thinking i knew soo much about the world and how things work, but after living with these people, my mind was blown.
It wasn't long before we became a close knit group of friends. Yeh we had our bad habits and little quarrels but nothing major. People began referring to us as the jubata crew. We'd go shopping together and go out for lunch and shit with eachother, I started feeling really independant now. Like an actual adult, not just a teen. We were close, family even, painted art together and put it up around the house. Im getting so nostalgic thinking back on it.
We used to have alot of people over to. We had an upcoming band 'The revolvers' come round heaps to jam since we weren't using much of our living room. They kept their amps and equipment at the house so when we left we would have a crack at it. I was the only one who knew how to play guitar so i would try and teach Sam (samara) and Kya how to play and we'd all sing. We used to get stoned with them as well. I had dabbled in weed before, but it wasn't till i was out of home that i started getting into it a little heavier. I remember the first time i had the giggles from it. Kya went out to go get shopping and shaun was having a cone. He is insane with them, would just pile it in. But he nagged me to have one. Kya said cya and left said she'd be back shortly. I caved in and was like 'yeh okay watevs..' Shaun and i were talking and he seen if he had any cigarettes left. He had 3 and was stoked and said to his cigarette packed "Good gurl!"
That was it for me. I was in hysterics.. i physically couldn't stop laughing i was confined to our outdoor chair just laughing my head off. Kya came out to this boisterious cackle (i gotta admit i do have a bizarre laugh) and was like WTF? and looked at me. I had tears in my eyes. I tried to explain it to her, but couldn't hold myself together. I had to go to bed, was soo high.
I did weed regularly now. We used to sell an ounce of weed here and there to help pay the rent, and give us more money to spend on other drugs. Nothing hardcore, just ecstasy, dexties and ritalin. The weed was always there. We used to get together and bag up the weed. Have a laugh and pick out the stem and what not. We didn't wanna be the people who stinged people on it, but we didn't wanna be the people who weren't making money from it either, so they were a fair size.
Kya's parents owned the house. They knew and were fine with it. Her mother used to dabble a bit in it as well. But she gave up soon after we moved in and gave us all this weed she had left over. There was soo much leaf. We made a mullcake, as we had just moved in and were short on kitchen utensils so we strained the butter from the bull with the flyscreen we took off and washed. Peel Alehouse had let me go, and Kya hooked me up with a glassy job at 'Toucan' club (is a hole) to help me get by. She worked as a bar girl at Players. They were owned by the same people and she would finish around the same time as me. We would come back to jubata and smoke weed and go to bed. But the mullcake was in the fridge after work one night. So we both had about a third of it. we were talking for ages and nothing happened. We decided to call it a night and went to walk into the room to sleep. I have never felt so heavy in my life. We ended up sleeping in the same bed cause we were so high and felt like we were melting into the mattress. Next day i met Kya's mother for the first time. I was still stoned as fuck and couldn't even string a sentence together.. it was 4pm the next day.
Kya's birthday was coming up. Her mum payed for all of us to stay at the burswood for a weekend. They are well off, but still i thought it was amazing. We had a plan to sell an ounce each this week and the profits would be used as spending money for the weekend. One of our friends were going to hook us up with ten e's for the weekend for a really god price so we did it. I had done it before. It was no biggie. The friday night we got there and i was a bit tired. Me and Kya Snorted half a pill each. I was buzzed had an awesome night out at the clubs. Shaun was meeting with Johan a guy he had kind of been seeing at the time. They had only met a few weeks earlier. Johan ended up staying with us at the hotel. The next day we were tired, but determined to make it an epic weekend, it was already brilliant. We smoked copious amounts of weed in the room. I snorted an e as well before we left to go to the clubs. I was a fucking wreck. Having a ball but chewing my lips off. I wanted more, snorted another half. Then we were going to go to the rise so we ended up crushing the pills behind a car parked out front this random building (later turned out to be a church). I have never been soo fucked in my life. We got back to the hotel around 3-4am and sat in a circle o the bed all wide eyed smoking cones. We were videoing it.
Something ticked. I couldn't look at johan, his eyes literally looked like a cartoon. I was looking at everyone and they looked 2d and not real. My mind was racing and the paranoia of the weed was kicking in. I couldn't feel my body. I felt like i was floating. My head actually felt like i could of put my hand through it. I was panicking. I couldn't tell if i was hot or cold. I thought my body was overheating and i had no idea. My heart was pounding out my chest. i could physically see it pulsating. They told me too calm down and go for a cold shower to hydrate myself. I was sitting in there thinking "tonights the night im going to die". I got out, and still the music was inside my head.. Birds of tokyo feeling like it was about to cave my head in. Shaun took me for a walk down the hallway. I thought maybe i just need to see someones (who hadn't done drugs that night) eyes. I didn't want to go down the elevator i thought it would freak me out. But someone was walking to the elevator. so i went to look at them and this black sheath appeared and went round their eyes. I was tripping out, the hallway seemed to be fluctuating in length. I got back in the room. I asked them 'If i was peaking out would you guys please call an ambulance?' i though they'd say yes but they replied
"Liam, ambulances are like $600"
I was freaking out, all i can remember thinking was im going to die. Shaun decided it was time we all go to bed. He turned the music off, and all the lights. My mind was still racing. I asked Kya if she would look after me for the night and she cuddled me to sleep. I didn't want to sleep. I thought i wouldn't wake up. I remember thinking "this is it. im just going to be known by my family as that brother, son that OD'd on drugs in his teens".
I woke up scattered and shakey, but managed to drive home. I didn't touch ecstasy from there on. I just went stupid on it. I didn't even smoke weed for a good while after that. I was paranoid that it would kick the e back in. My pupils were pin drops on the drive home, maybe i was still off my head..
From then on i have never been the same. Im getting back to my old self now. I ended up moving out of jubata 4 months later. In august. Our "friend" had ripped me off $300 claiming she was in debt by dealers. My tafe graduation i had no money. I had to borrow it off mum. I still seen mum regularly, i missed them. i just wanted to be with them again. The next day i went into kya's room. She was coming down off pills. Everything seemed fucked. Samara had left, i loved her so much, like a sister. Everyone was pissed off cause she left to sydney to meet this girl that she loved. She had met her before. I understood that, i didn't want her living in regret. I remember when she told me. I was in her room. We both just started crying, we had grown so close, she wasn't sure if she was coming back. I didn't want to be left with shaun and kya, they didn't get along with eachother, samara was the only one i could just chill with without any bitchiness going on.
But to my point Keeley the "friend" who ripped me off $300 dollars had bought another batch of pills to sell to with my money i gave her to try and recover the debt she was in. But Kya had been getting fed ecstasy for free and keeley wasn't making money from the pills she was just eating them. She had become a pill fein and still is today. I was raging, kya told me to fuck off, and claimed she knew nothing about it. We had a screaming match and i went for a drive and visited mum. She got me a trailer that day and i moved out. Me and kya are friends again, we do love eachother, its just money,drugs and friends dont mix.
Martin wasn't allowed to see mum now. I was living out of home at the time. But mum had moved houses to hallshead. Martin moved a few streets away so he could see Abbi and Ella more (his daughters). One night he was looking after them. They weren't settling down and he was a little drunk. He called mum screaming at her too come round because Ella wouldn't settle and go to bed. Mum went round. As soon as she went in his house, he locked the doors. He started shoving mum around and getting physical with her. Mum would try to leave but he kept pushing her away from the door and pinning her to the walls im told. She ended up grabbing Ella (who witnessed the whole thing and was balling her eyes out, scared out of her mind) and made a run for it, and got out and drove home and locked the doors. She called the police and our grandad. Our grandad is a hardcase. Not that old, but he could fuck him up easily. Mum needed to get Abbi from the house. Mum got a restraining order against martin for 24hours after the incident. He came round the following day while everyone was in bed trying to bash the door down and get in the house screaming at my mum too let him in. The police came and now we dont see him. He has a 2year Violent restraining order against him.
He came round only a couple of months ago. He waltzed on in uninvited. We played it cool, didn't want him to snap or anything. My mum had a few drinks and was out in the garage. He was out talking to her, he yelled at me to come out but i kept on ignoring him. He came in and demanded "I shake his hand".
Me - "Im not shaking your hand.."
Martin *drunk* - "I know i made mistakes but just shake my hand!"
Me - "no.. you disgust me, i dont even want to speak to you, i dont even want to know your still living.."
He walked out into the garage in a rage.
I went out to have a look and he was forcing my mum to kiss him. I locked the House up all doors so he couldn't get in at all. My mum was outside still. I told martin to call a taxi and he wouldn't.
Me: "I called a taxi now, so you can leave an wait for it, or i can call the cops and tell them you have violated your VRO YOUR choice!"
Martin: "FUCK YOU! come out here and BE A FUCKING MAN ABOUT IT! *next line was in my mums ear* Your just going to let your faggot son rule your life forever!! *back to me* Fuck you liam!! wait till i see you out buddy!"
I opened the garage door and he ran off. Mum went to bed. I had already called the cops. I should of kept him trapped in the garage. But he would of gone to prison and Ella and Abbi claim they dont have a dad as it is. I slept with a knife next to my bed that night just incase he came back. The police couldn't take a statement from mum because she was "intoxicated"
I met a guy though this past year. He changed my life, i thought luke and dylan was true love. But i honestly have never felt that way about anyother person but him. Im not going to say his name, i feel like i should protect him from any "gay" criticism. I dont wish it on people to be gay. But he was a skater, straight acting. His smile, His eyes, the stupid shit he did was what made me love him most. We would take dexties and go out driving. He would stay at jubata with me when i went to see shaun. He smoked alot of weed, but it was wierd he was more talkitive on it. By day he was my bestfriend, but when it was us, i duno it just seemed like something more. Maybe i was tricking myself. He had a bit of a rough upbringing too. I really felt for his mother, she is a strong women, looking after soo many people and her children.
I would go around and see him when he was "grounded" and we would watch movies. It was an unspoken attraction to eachother. What happened behind closed doors stayed with us. We would smoke j's around the side of his house, drive to macca's. We would have the presets cranking in the car smoking marlboro golds. Almost everyday we would hang out for a solid month or 2. but then i had to stop hanging with him. I told him i was finding him attractive and i wanted to keep this friendship. He understood, he said i was a good friend and doesn't want anything to change that. fuck i loved him soo much. He told me he got a gf. I was devastated. But was determined to keep the friendship. He would still come "see" me even when he was with her. I remember picking him up from a party cause he had gotten in a fight. I left my work (players bar) to go pick him up. I raced over there ready to fucking kill. I was soo protective of him. He got in the car and i didn't know what to do. i just gave him a cuddle and dropped him off at jubata. I told him we can talk about it after work, we went back to jubata and we scraped some resin. We set up guitar hero and i had to go work.
him: "thanks liam.. *hug*"
Liam: "it's alright kido, il see you after work.."
I have said it heaps, but fuck i loved him soo much.. But god i dont know what it was about him, he was physically attractive but it was just so much more, he had such a loving nature, the quiet type, but when he talked you didn't want him to stop. Pulp fiction says "you know you found someone special when you can sit in eachothers company and just enjoy the silence". That was it. I just enjoyed being in his presence.
All good things come to an end though. Last time i seen him was at my friend chloes house. Previously i had been a drunken idiot, and we had a lil argument about him trying crack. Rightfully so though, if he had seen the people who came to jubata when i lived there he wouldn't wanna even see/touch that shit. He has soo much potential to do great things in life, i dont want him going and ruining it by doing crack. But after the dust setlled we were in chloes room just play fighting like brothers would. it was soo fun, it was if he had let his guard down for once and was just mucking around. I think i fucked up though. i was sitting up and he was laying down.
me: "do you mind if i kiss you?"
him: "hmmm.. just on the cheek"
he had a gf at the time. He seemed pretty commited to her. But i think that was it. I picked up a jumper i gave him a few weeks later. He looked a little sad, but i duno if he was he said he was tired. I gave him a cigarette and told him what i had been up to and he did to.
Me: "well i suppose i better be off"
him: "mmm..i..il walk you out"
and that was it. I dont know what happened. I feel like i fucked things up, all i really want to do is know what happened. It went from being so perfect to falling to shit within 2 weeks.. When i asked to kiss him, did it get too real? I hooked up with someone he knew, but he would openly tell me about how he was sleeping with so and so and i would shrug it off.. But i think maybe that wound him up. But i think the more i think about it, the further away i get from what actually happened, maybe it wasn't really there at all.. Despite my feelings and numerous signs saying otherwise, maybe it just wasn't there. But thats what i have been up too the last year in a very confined nut shell. Il doo this more often from now on i promise.
"Its in your eyes, the love you know that.. the ones you love you lost completely.." - Presets
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