2 days.. maybe 17 is different..

2 more days until i turn 17.. The 5th of October 1990.. the day i was born.. i really love the way queen used these lyrics in bohemian rhapsody.. 'don't wanna die, sometimes wish i'd never been born at all..' it sounds depressing, but it just sums up the feelings i have at times..

I don't know if i will be friend with them anymore.. after confessing what was, things have gone weird.. I said I'm not avoiding you.. but i really was. I was afraid to talk to them.. i didn't want things to seem like i have moved on and back to the way they were, the normal.. There will always be a part of them in me.. this was just my way of showing it.. I would love to remain friends with them. But i know its going to take a little while to go back to that. I fell in love with them at hello.. i couldn't bare to be a part of their life and watch them move on while i was still trying to get over them.. I'm trying to make contact though.. it's not working, i think i have fucked up..

I have been arguing with Luke a lot lately as well.. I think i ended up choking on my own words from the last blog.. The day after i wrote it, i found out he lied to me.. It was the first time i think i have been visibly upset while sober.. Even my friend Chadwick who only knows the shell to me could tell i wasn't right.. I had to leave after he told me the truth.. I took a walk.. Just the fact that someone i put all my trust into, could do that 2 me really shocked me and kinda pulled me back down to earth.. I think i am living in a fantasy world, where i think true love exists and people are in my life for a reason.. I don't know if this was ever the case.. The only times i think i might have truly been in love have all but fucked my world over and made me feeling lonelier then ever.. and these people that keep entering my life are just in it to get something out of me.. Whether it be a gig, information or my other friends..

Luke and I are ok now.. we still argue a bit but i think its just that stage in a friendship where you feel the need to give them a piece of your mind.. a little insight to how you really view them now that your over the whole new friendship buzz and can start to pick out them flaws you were blinded by before.. I do adore him still.. not in a gay sense.. but in a thank god i actually met this person kind of way.. Sometimes i think i'm the only one who actually feels this way.. he isn't to good at re-assuring though.. I seen him today at a music industry workshop.. We had just had an argument the night before.. i came in thinking 'fuck this is going to be awkward..' but he waved to me straight away and called me over to sit with him. What are best friends for right :)

i will blog how my birthday went.. i promise..


'Whenever im down, I call on you my friend. A helping hand you lend, in my times of need' - Groove Armada..