some friends just grow apart, others just fuck you round.

I must say first of all im in love with this verdana font. Everytime i go to post a new blog i have to have it in verdana, OCD? perhaps.. But its been a couple of weeks since my last post. Maybe 2 weeks to be exact. Im not counting the days or anything. Im certainly not counting the days till christmas. Fuck i hate this season. Especially in Australia. Im going to sound like an absolute moaner here but i really hate the unnecessarily hot days we have in summer. Dont get me wrong, i love going out in the sun, maybe not as much as others, but i still enjoy it, i just really cant be fucked with 35 degree days. Once again i leave my christmas shopping to the last minute.. I Went out today to Carousel which is one of the main malls if not the MALL to go to South of the river. Im glad everyone was in the same "cant be fucked" mood as i was.

I was dodging juvie scum and derolicts like no tomorrow. People i once would have waved to if it was mandurah forum. I feel like such a snob coming back to perth, i dont think i have changed though, just dont feel the need to put up with that shit anymore. You may have remember my old housemate shaun from previous blogs. He was one of my good friends. I use was because now it seems he doesn't want a bar of it, has no idea about what being a friend means. He did go through a mildly rough time, he broke up with his bf of 2years, which i was empathetic about, but its hard to show empathy when all he does is bag out his ex, who im still friends with. I understand people break up, but i dont think there is a real need to be so horrible to an ex if it was probably the best thing they could have both done.

I had been on shauns case for a while though. I had gave him (well my mother did) a big cabinet and television for when he moved into his own house. We agreed a $100 would be fine, it wasn't a big ask. It was worth atleast double what we were asking and he was keen for it. That was late september, and we had moved to perth. Its now December and we hadn't seen or heard or anything about it. I had asked him numberous times. I had asked him politely as my mum was on my fucking back about this $100 all the time. I really didn't see the big deal at first but we had moved and spent alot of money, we were broke some weeks and barely scraping by, that 100 would of been pretty handy especially around the christmas season.

We had an arguement anyway, i constantly see him posting statuses about how he is going out clubbing.. It really fucking pissed me off. We really needed that money. I had told him if he was strapped for cash it was cool but we really need it or id pick the cabinet up and we could sell it. I really couldn't be arsed picking up the cabinet. i Just wanted the cash so it was all good again. He started saying i dont give a shit about whats going on, how he had broken up with johan and how his sister just suddenly moved out. I did feel for him in all honesty, but after seeing all these updates about how he is going out all the time i had enough. I found it hypocritical. When chloe owed him around $200 he was on her case everyday, saying how pissed off he is and how he fucking hates her. He got it within 3 weeks. 3 months now and nothing. I ended up being a bit of a smart arse.

Shauns fb status update:
"I hate it when gay guys use you and rip you off"

myself:
"Yeh it sucks.. trust me.."


we ended up having a massive arguement. He said i have been spoon fed all my life. Which is not true, that is one thing that pisses me off. People who think i work for nothing? 95% of everything i own is all from my hard work and saving. I do get help when i need it, not because im spoon fed, because i ask for it. I was sick of all this shit, i had enough. I said i dont want anything to do with him, im not spoon fed, i just dont go around thinking the world is always fucking against me.

The new guy isn't going to well either. We have remained friends, but not without complications. Its not hard these days to go around and visit him without wanting anything. We have got to a nice level of friendship. But i feel like im getting used. And after "him" i really have no time for it. I have been out looking at houses with one of my bestfriends luke and his girlfriend tayla. Jack asked me to pick him up from somewhere close to an hours drive away from where i live. We had finished the house viewing and i was keen to just relax and unwind with "j". I called them up asking if they wanted picked up and if they wanted to do something tonight. My full was almost empty but i didn't really care, my payment when in the next day so i would be alright for fuel in the morning. I drove out to belmont. Fucking trek. I arrived at the house and he stumbled out towards the car. He was pretty stoned. He told me he had vallium to. Instantly i was a little pissed i knew where this was going.

j: "i cant wait to get home and wash my hair and go to bed."

there it was. After looking at shitholes all day and driving copious hours here i am wasting my time again. i was fucking angry and aggitated. I had his christmas present in the car too. Hoping we could chill at his and give it to him. I didn't want to speak to him. I had a bit of a yell, i just wanted to go home on what little fuel i had. He gave me fuel money in the end, but i was still annoyed, all i wanted to do was go see them and unwind. we made up though, he didn't remember much he was pretty fucked when i got him. it just seems like im making all the effort for a friendship i didn't really want in the first place? their beautiful and their great, i jsut wish they made a little more effort as gay as it sounds. Im not dependant on him, but it would still be nice to know i could depend on him? fuck its wierd i dno.. its too early in the morning for writing much longer.

il probs blog again in jan

I try to do handstands for you.

Its been a month or so since my last blog, i thought i had met someone with amazing prospects, i believe i may have even mentioned them at the end of my last post. It all seemed to move so quickly and suddenly. I went to his house one day to hang out. I brought around some weed for us to smoke. He is a little bit of a pot head, but i love it. He is soo chilled, makes me look like im neurotic, his laid back attitude towards everything, but the way he is blunt and very precise on his views and opinions. Amazing guy to talk to. He hates the gay scene as well, cant really stand it. Im over it, everyone wants to know who is fucking who, and what the newest cool word to say is. makes me sick, makes me feel like im back in highschool again, something i barely managed to get through in the first place.

Anyway we had been hanging for a few days, smoking in his room, getting high and watching episodes of southpark or family guy. One night i stayed at his. Usually i would drive home but i was too high to drive home. We had been watching the L word and just talking about anything and everything. Although realisitically i had only really known him for a month, i felt like i had known him for atleast a couple of years. We were so honest about everything. Eventually it came time to sleep. He was explaining how he was such a pro at hickeys in the day and would be covered with them. I tried to give it a go, but im absolutely shit. I dno what happened but we crossed eyes and kissed.

"finally.." i said. I had been wanting to do it for ages but it just seemed like it wasn't the right moment.

"you only had to ask" he said with this cheeky accomplished grin on his face.

From then on we had hit it off, he had said to me he had been going through a rough time and really needed friends but it seemed our actions told a different story. I loved it, loved being able to cuddle him and kiss him, this was the sort of physical friendship/relationship i wanted in someone. Someone i could be friends with during the day, really hit it off with then at night show the more affection side of things.

This lasted about 2-4 days.. I dno it seemed the closest thing to perfect i could really think of. We took the piss out of eachother alot, and mocked eachother but all in good fun. I worried i smothered them, it was hard not too want to kiss them and hug them, i even told them, they said they liked it. They looked genuinely happy, really smitten. I think i was too. No complications just good times. Their mum seemed to like me too, which is always a bonus. Some nights we wouldn't sleep. We would just lay there talking to eachother, cuddling up, telling eachother the most secretive things.

I went around late last week, and things seemed different. They were moody and didn't want to be touched. They had a hickey on their shoulder to. It wasn't me, they claimed it was a friend who was mucking around. I feel a little naive trusting them about it. I have a feeling they seen their ex. They were talking about them a lot that day getting really upset. They were sitting on the computer chair and i was on their bed. Kinda holding their legs either side of me. Not in a sexual way just mucking around. They said they dont think they could do this anymore.

me: "what? do what anymore?"

j: "this.. whats going to happen down the line when one of us get a boyfriend or something?"

me: "i dno, i dont really think about it, i dont wanna hook up with anyone else but you right now."

j: "but i dno if i can do this.. i dont think im ready for it.."


I understood, but was absolutely gutted at the same time. They knew they had upset me, but i reassured them that it was ok, their not the first, and they would not be the last. I think i tried to give off this "its ok i didn't really care that much" attitude, and im pretty sure they didn't buy it. They had broken up with their ex only a couple of months ago. The same time me and chris had parted. He had been seeing this guy for 2 years.

I dont know what to think. I still dont know, they seemed soo happy and if they knew what they wanted, so smitten so content. And then there was this sudden change of heart. They were worried i wouldn't be friends with them anymore. I still want to, but its going to be soo hard. I see them now and all i want to do is hug them and go back to that. Its wierd, i really started feeling for this guy.

And what a chapter..

So the saga of "him" has come to an end.. I have moved to perth, the capital of the state i live in. Im close to where i used to live before this blog even began. Its insane. I feel like my life has done a complete 180. I'm amazed at how far i have come and grown over the past 4 years. It was only a couple of weeks ago I was looking back on here thinking wow.. "Him" has ended. I spose i better fill you on the details so here it goes again.

We had been getting along great, better then last time. Things were fucked for him. He was going through soo much i didn't know what to do, but i think in times of great need the best you can ever do is just be there for someone. I would take him out, try and take his mind off things. We would get high and drink till our little hearts were content. I remember going to his house after some shocking news and there had been holes in the doors where he had been so angry he had just destroyed them. I left a bottle of Canadian Club at their house after a big night. His mum woke up to him drinking it at 10 in the morning. It was stupid of me too do. I know a bit of their family history, i shouldn't have enabled him to possibly follow it.

But he seemed to be getting back to his old self. I only had a couple of weeks left in mandurah until the big move. I made the most of it, we did.. I would be out clubbing and he would still be up, i would go see him afterwards and he would keep me up drinking even longer. It was soo much fun now i look back on it.. It was the last night i had in mandurah. I was with chloe, she is amazing, we drank soo much and just had an absolute ball.. Chris was still up at home and he came to chloes when we got back. I was a little upset about leaving, but at the time i think i was too drunk too care, and just made the most of it. I was with the people i loved and it didn't matter.

It was that time of night where everyone started going to bed. Me and him tried putting a movie on. As usual the dvd player wasn't working. We had a serious talk..

Me: "I can't believe im finally moving from mandurah"

Him: "i know... i cant believe im back here.."

Me: "do you like being back here?"

Him: "yeh i missed everyone, its nice to be back with family"

Me: "Did you miss me?"

Him: "I missed you soo much.."


I instantly didn't want to leave mandurah. We snuggled up which was a little out the usual and fell asleep in eachothers arms. Was soo sweet. Possibly one of the more touching moments i have ever had with another guy that wasn't just a one night stand. The next moment i awoke still hammered.. It was daylight by the time i had fell asleep. I had to be up early too help move.. The house was soo bare. It made me want to cry. Just thinking about all the good times and memories i had in the house.

Everything got packed up fairly quickly.. We had done alot of it previously.. It was suprisingly alot easier then i had anticipated, especially as my hangover was starting to kick in.. I was driving one of the cars up with the little bits and pieces in it. I turned on my ipod and away i went. No longer was the house my home. Hole was playing "malibu".. its always been a favourite song of mine. even to this day it reminds me of where i used to live.

It was 2 weeks before my big 2-0. I had invited everyone to come and join in this gay pride festivity thing. Usually im not a fan of that kind of shit, but the dates were too close not to doo something different. I had went to go post on "his" wall to ask if he was still coming. I couldn't help but notice all these less then subtle comments between "him" and this girl. I found out he had been fucking her behind my back for quite some time. I was devastated. If this wasn't heartbreak i'd hate to know what is.. I didn't want to eat, i was considering not having a celebration anymore. I just wasn't up for anything.

I couldn't believe after all i had done for them they would do such a thing. Lie about it too, why couldn't they tell me. Was it just a cover up? i dno i wasn't sticking around any longer to find out. The next couple of weeks were just crazy with alcohol. I didn't want to think about it, i just wanted everything to go away. Photos, memories, conversations.. all of it gone.. As much as i was devastated i couldn't help but think "oh its alright, im sure there is a great explanation for all of this.." no denial was going to make it better. I had tried calling them drunk a couple of times. They answered to me obviously upset.. they just listened..

him: "look liam, i gotta go.."

me: "but what was going on between us?"

him: "im going now.. bye.."

a couple weekends later we went down south for a w.e away. I was over it.. I had been talking to someone else, they were helping me through it. I eventually mustered up enough courage to tell them its over.

"I dont want a reply, nor do i even expect one, but this is it. I dont want to be "friends" no more. After all i have done for you and you still manage to fuck me over. You need to make up your mind, im sick of protecting you, dont come back to me when your next girlfriend fucks you over."

I was happy. With that i felt instantaneously better. There was no wondering anymore, there was no what could of been or anything left to question, that was it, the conclusion to this saga. With that i have been moving on. I have made new friends, and have been getting used to living back in perth. I have an awesome new job. I thought i might of been getting fired at first, but it seems they just wanted to push me to keep getting better and better and quicker and more efficient.

I love it, its always this sort of quest to be the best i can in hospitality. Im serving rich lawyers and office workers their coffee's. Their all a bunch of arseholes, well for the most of it. You have to be polite usually, but all the other workers feel the same, and we give them shit. I have a few gay customers that come in, check me out, makes me feel a little better.

This cute one came in, he was soo up himself, i had to put him in check. Just out of politeness i got their coffee order and asked how their day was. They said they went to the "gym" with the most smug look. Imagine someone trying to impress some blonde bimbo with their guns and the smug smile and up themselves attitude. Thats what i was getting.

Me: "I honestly couldn't care... heres your coffee.."

they looked like i had just killed their first born child, and if their first born son was called ego, then yes i squashed him like a bug. Its great. The managers are an awesome laugh too. I work nights doing some glassy work. I thought business people were spose to drink responsibly and act all sophisticated.. But no, their worst. They get absolutely paraletic, i have had to wake people up and direct them too taxi's.. something i have never done at clubs/pubs before. Its hectic, the manager dave makes it all worth while, if he cant think he makes me do a shot with him. How very nice of him. I feel so gangster doing shots of patrone with him.


I have made a new friend too. They seem really cool, and their also gay.. I duno what to think, i can see something going totally wrong and we just dont talk and have this fall out, but he is one of the few people i can have an absolute shit/boring day and see, then feel like i have truly achieved something with my day. Maybe he is special, im not sure i spose time will tell. We dont even have to be doing anything really amazing. We can be sitting in their room smoking cones watching family guy, its just good company you know? He is funny, and is more down to earth then most other people i know, so chilled. I feel like im so neurotic when i just look at his way of life. Im not going to write anymore, i know they'll probably end up readin this.



"you know what to do, come fly away.. to malibu" - Hole

why i still bother amazes me..

so what a turn of events.. after a year of uncertainty im slowly getting some back. Their back in town, by them i mean the person in the last few blogs i have been incredibly hung up on. I was just sitting in my web design class and they suddenly appeared on facebook chat.. I didn't know what to say, or if i should even give them the time of day after how long they had left me for. But being my stupid self i did it.

We engaged in a conversation and he said he was back in Mandurah. My heart was racing, i was genuinly so happy to hear they were back. The last time i seen them was when i was walking up their street to visit my other friend. It didn't feel like enough time to even catch up on all that had happened. There were soo many moment i just wanted them to be there for, just an ear to listen or a hug to know things will get better. They told me that had broken up with their current love of 8months. They had cheated on them 4 times and he only just found out.

It infuriates me to hear things like this. Knowing if things worked out the way i had once hoped i could of treated them better, shown them loyalty and just do anything in the world to try and make things better for them. What infuriates me even more is i went round to visit them after my web design class and they still wanted to take them back. I felt so hypocritical. I was saying "dont, dont.." but i know if was me in that situation with them i would most likely crumble.

He had been going through a really rough time, im not going to disclose what had happened to them, but i can tell you on face value, its fucked. I know i probably shouldn't of, but i went round to visit him almost everyday of the week to try and take his mind off things, take him out and try and give him some carelessness after whats been going on. As much as i want to believe they appreciate all i do for them, i think alot of it goes un-noticed. Im making all the effort to hang, im calling them up to see if they want to go out. Im trying to keep my distance as i know shits rough but i see them complaining of boredom and just sitting at home and i come to that begging call.

I have taken them out a couple times and tried to rekindle what sort of friendship he had with my friends that year ago. He is different now, he is even more quiet then usual, but i still try and remain understanding that he is going through alot. Every now and then i get a glimpse at the old them, and how we were. They'll tell me whats on their mind, thank me, make me feel like i am a friend and not just this option thats always there.

I feel like a dick for going back here, but at the same time i think im living off the hopes that something might change. Is it true people never change? i hope not. I think you can't change a person but i think you can mould them and guide them. I just want them to know im always there for them, and that im not just another aqquaintance. I remember a time they would text me alot asking what i was up to and if we wanted to hang. But now im lucky to get a reply unless i just drop round.

I feel like a fucking stalker i honestly do. I hate this feeling, i feel like im doing the right thing and the wrong thing at the same time. I want to sit down and have a serious talk with them about whats happened, but i dont want to force any unnecessary worry on them. So for now I just try and engage in normal conversation and try and let them do all the talking. I only have 2 weeks even less though until i move an hours drive away. And i know that once im gone, that will be it. If i dont put in that effort anymore then i wont see them, and it kills me.

Sometimes i feel like they do care back, and are just too afraid to show it, but in the same breathe maybe im just pursueing a friendship that was never really there to begin with. I just want to put and end to all this confusion, and atleast now i am in contact with them again i might be able to get some closure. I dont know why i feel the way i do about them, its not even a matter of them being attractive (which they are in my eyes), there is just something more, i dont usually feel it with anyone. They could be the most dero person i have ever met, i think i will still always have that place, and care whole heartedly for them. I dont know if this is love, but if it isn't i cant wait to see what it really is like. Just being in the presence of this person brings me soo much life. And although at times they can be the cause of soo much frustration, it seems it doesn't matter when all is going right again..

il let you know how things go.

its 12:23pm on a Sunday

Being my usual self, im hung over.. it was my friends 21st last night. Dont get me wrong i enjoyed it, and im glad the people who came did, it was good to catch up with everyone again. But i dont know what to think about it in total.. As much as i am mates with the guy whose 21st it was, i had this feeling like a little voice inside my head "dont go, just give this one a miss.."

Im still trying to comprehend what even happened last night, and how i managed to drive home.. My mouth was soo dry, and i could still smell the vodka in my breath. It was a less then desirable morning. I half expected what was going to happen last night, i should of known better then to give it a miss.

I dont know, i dont feel like i was a dickhead last night, but maybe i was. I ended up getting my eye clawed by his sister for being my scarcastic self anyway. I did kinda ask for it, but i was only joking around, i didn't think she would take things soo seriously. I was told she was a crazy bitch, i should of listened..

I was also told last night that this straight kid i playfully flirt with wants to fucking bash me the next time i crack onto them. Im actually mega upset about that, i didn't even crack onto him hard, or feel i was being too full on for him. it wasn't even them that could nut up and tell me it was their friend. I dont know what to think, i actually do kinda like this kid as well, we play fight like brothers would and just mess around and be dickheads, i dont have alot of "friends" who do that, i find it liberating.

I feel like everyone thinks cause im gay, i dont enjoy these things. I like being a guy, i like doing guy things too alot of peoples suprise, i mean im not the sportiest kid. But i like going out every now and again and i duno kick a footy, or go to the beach and stuff. With this person its like they understood, but maybe i was wrong. Maybe their just as close minded as everyone else..

It seems I'm too gay for the straight world, too straight for the gay world.. Can someone please just tell me where i fit, because fucked if i know now.

I hate being gay!

I have just finished my first Trimester at SAE or should i now say Quantam or something like that. They have changed their name to stop any confusion as they do both Sound engineering, as well as game design, media and film. Im pretty stoked.. I thought i had failed for submitting previous works in an unreadable/viewable format but they let me resubmit and i have passed this trimester.

Other things haven't been too great, im sick at the moment, i thought maybe I was just mega hung over, but no. I have physically unself-induced sickness. I find im pretty hypocritical when im sick. I think "man i cannot wait to be normal again, im going to make the most of it! im going to start working out and getting fit" then when im over it, "fuck that.."

On a more seriousness note im sick of being gay.. Im actually so over it, i dont wish it upon anyone. Dont get me wrong im not ashamed of it, but i dont feel the need to go out and celebrate it. I dont think of it as a burden, but what else can it be? Im sick of the gay world in general. Everyones a sheep. There is a massive interest in drag queens at the moment in the perth gay "clubs". I dont get it. They claim to be entertainers, who are they entertaining? what talent do they have. Some would argue that being able to walk in platforms as big as they do is talent, i however do not. I think it is talentless. They get up there and mime words, quiver their lip as they pretend to sing and strut around the club thinking they own the joint. Its not entertainment, its a one man show on power struggles and their own insecurities.

I dont get it? why is everyone so bitchy to eachother? I cant go out and just legitimately enjoy myself cause there is always someone giving a smart arse look or comment on something they dont even know or understand.. I think im going to die lonely at this rate.. i say that as a joke, but the more i think about it, its probably going to be true.. I can't see myself being with anyone i have ever met in a gay club.

Everyone is just so impressionable, no substance to them. All drinking their wine and champagne cause thats whats expected of them. All wearing designer clothing because thats what expected of them. Applauding others peoples promiscuity, because thats whats expected of them. Having a favourite drag queen because thats whats expected of them. Being complete bitches to one and other and trying to stamp their authority over others because their soo insecure about themselves because thats what expected of them. Acting like men being women, because thats whats expected of them. Listen to lady gaga and other talentless commercial artists because thats whats expected of them.

Seems hypocritical me ripping on them the more i think about it. but im sick of it. Why do we all have to stereotype ourselves? why cant we be open-minded and be ourselves and still be gay. Why do we have to conform to what people expect? people need to open their eyes and start being more true to themselves. We dare to be different, then mould ourselves into what a gay person is expected to be. Maybe people wouldn't fear us if we shown them we are just as normal as everybody else. But we can't do that, its like we all trying to prove we are better then everybody else, we live a better life then everybody else. who are we trying to fool?

I dont know anymore.. but this is all i've known. if i could be straight i would. everyone says they have it easier, i think thats not true, i think we just make it harder for ourselves.

New friends, Old flames..

So im out my angsty teenage stage and moving into adulthood. Thank fuck for that, i think some of the darkest moments and blogs i have ever written a few years ago. Its good, with age i think im learning to rashionally think about any problems that arise in life and look at solving it from every angle not just one of my own. So this is a blog with a little happier tone than most previously.

I have finished my first trimester of Uni/SAE today.. finished with an exam, which absolutely slaughtered me.. i think i was confident with maybe 30 percent of the questions being asked. It was ridiculously hard. But on a good note i have 2 weeks of freedom to collect myself, look for a job and get some shit sorted financialy. I been pretty broke lately.. I have been looking for jobs but no luck yet. Im getting into a little bit of dj'ing and mixing atm, and am hoping to get good enough to get a payed a little on the side to do it. I love it, almost as much as i love writing music. I think im pissing my mates off with it though it seems all im doing is telling them "man check this out! this song goes hell good with this one".. but oh well, i have introduced a few of my mates to the programme im using and they are addicted to it as well.

The last couple of weeks i have made a couple of new mates. I make mates all the time but i think these people are really quite something. We have been hanging out heaps the past few weeks and i dno it just never gets old, we all seem to really enjoy eachothers company and have a wicked laugh whenever we are all together.. Everyone is fairly open and truthful to one and other which i think is great. We all smoke a bit of pot and just chill, or play video games, its soo cruisy and there is no massive need to go out and get absolutely totalled. Dont get me wrong i love getting blitzed but its good to have a break from it.

I been quitting smoking lately as well.. this is my 4th time ahah.. I do really well for a while then just fall back into it again. Im only on my 2nd day without it, but i dont feel any withdrawals or massive cravings which is fucking sweet. The first time i properly quit i couldn't sleep properly for 4 days straight and was a moody prick. this time round im fine, just trying to replace the habit with something else..

I seen the old flame mentioned in the previous blog. For the sake of any future blogs, il refer to them as "him" to try and not subject them to any homo criticism. But it was completely unexpected, but i had a feeling at the same time. I was walking to one of my bestmates, chloes house and thought "fuck this, im going the short cut". I usually dont go that way purely cause i have to pass "his" house on the way. But today it was freezing, and raining so i couldnt be fucked making the walk any longer then it had to be. Im walking down to chloes house practically on her street and this person comes round the corner and starts walking up the street. I keep walking not taking too much notice but they kept on looking..

I took my hood off and as we got closer it was "him". I didn't know what to do.. part of me wanted to just be like "What the fuck happened?!" and another part of me just wanted to hug them and tell them how much i had missed them. It was like something from a movie.. The sky was grey, both walking in the rain, and running into eachother.. We met in the middle of the road.. Not even thinking about if a car came round the corner. I offered them a cigarette and we stood there and talked abut what we had been up too.. He is going to do an apprenticeship and move away from mandurah.. It was his girlfriends and his 6 months that day, and he was graduating tafe at the end of the week. I was actually really happy to hear most of it, its good to know he is doing something with himself.

I told him what i had been up 2, some of the highlights of the past few months id wish i could of shared with him at the time. This was literally the first time i had spoken to them in atleast 7 months.. I offered to walk them home and we headed back up the hill to their house.. we stood on his driveway trying to to talk as much as we could before we had to go. I dno, alot was said, but there was still soo much left to say.. I gave them a hug and left to chloes. They said their usually in mandurah on weekends and we should catch up sometime, but i dno. I wouldn't mind talking and hanging out but things wont be the same.. i just have a feeling..

I needed to see "him" though to realise maybe this was for the best.

"her mind has been made up, theres plenty more fish in the sea"

fuck its been even longer..

so its been a good couple of years since my last post.. I dont even know where to begin. But i will give it a go. So everyone knows I'm Gay. I have probable said this in the last post but just refreshing your thoughts. I imagine it would explain alot, after reading any previous posts i have made. Im not going around flaunting it, im still just myself, not getting some fucked up rhianna hair do and wearing outrageously camp outfits.

As for the dylan saga.. it is well and truly over, i have remained friends with him, and we help eachother out with lifts and stuff when we are stuck. I pick up my little sister abbi and ella (4 & 5 now) and i ocassionally see Lisa, his mother and we have a chat and tell each other whats been going on. He has a girlfriend now call izzy, she is beautiful and seems to be a really nice person. I had to pick them up from the traino once cause they were stuck, was the least i could do after he had picked me up from my old work numerous times.

My Mums boyfriend is no longer around either. Im 19 now and they broke up the day after my 18th. My 18th was crazy, probably one of the funnest nights i have had in my life. My bestmate luke (the one i used to like way back when) bought me a laser machine, I got a disco ball from things and there was just lasers and blue lighting lighting up the garden. PMF let me borrow their PA so the music was absolutely pumping to. But the nieghbour didn't like it. Someone dropped their shoe over their fence accidently (i know it sounds like its on purpose but its easy to do if you knew the layout of our backyard). He was fucking pissed after that. He came round and told us to shut the party down. No fucking way was i going to do that. We reasoned with him and told the guests to pack it in and stop fucking around in the neighbours yard. He still wasn't happy and Martin (my mums bf at the time) and the neighbour almost got in a blue. After that martin being his alcoholic self (not known at the time) got absolutely hammered and took off in the car with my mp3. I wasn't fussed the party was over by 2am anyway so it was no big deal.

This time was it for my mum, she finally broke it off and stayed strong. No getting back together with him. He kept trying to ween his way back into the family and i knew mum was going to submit. I'd had enough of living at home, and with that i went to live with one of my old workmates Shaun (i worked with him at boost juice). They had invited me around every so often, and i loved the place. Was an amazing house in Mariners Cove right near where we use to live. The rent was cheap as there was going to be 4 of us living together for $350 p/w.

I packed the last of my stuff and had started getting coldfeet. I was financially really good, i was working at the Peel Alehouse earning close to 600 p/w. But i was also attending a remedial massage course in fremantle. So i was a little worried it might effect my outcomes, and as you will find out later rightfully so. But for now i knew i had to do it, just to prove to myself i could be independant and didn't need to rely on my mum to look after me. I was excited about doing all them trivial things you do when you move out like Shopping for food, doing up the house, organizing my room, having people over whenever i wanted. I knew i would miss my family, especially Ella and Abbi, they were just getting to that stage where they were growing their personalities and fuck i loved everything about them. I still do. They were an absolute god send, i can't imagine life without them. I had packed the last of my things in the car, and this was it, as of this day forward Jan 10th 2009, i was out on my own. I gave my brother and lil sisters a hug and started tearing up. I couldn't help but think i was abandoning them, and i think mum thought it was her fault. She walked me out the front.

Mum: "So.. this is it.."

Liam: "yeah.. im not leaving because of you guys though, you do know this.."

Mum started crying. And came over and gave me a cuddle

Mum: "You know i love you soo much.. and your always welcome back no matter what.."

She had me started now, we were both crying our eyes out next to my shitheap of a car..

Liam: "Yeh you know i love you soo much.. Your my mum, and im not abandoning you, its just i think this is my time you know? i want to see what its like.. I love you"

I got in the car and drove round the corner. I think some of the innoecent Liam, was left behind that day. From there on my life was about to change.

My housemates were Kya, an old workmate too. I had never really spoken to her much at work though, she was new and always flirting with one of the other guys working there. I thought of her as a bit of a goody 2 shoes, and ditzy bitch. Fuck how i was soo wrong. She was and still is one of the coolest girls i have met in my life.

Among Kya was another girl, who turned out to be bisexual, Samara. She has changed my view on everything, Out of all the housemates i grew closest to her. She told me stories of her past and all the shit she has been through. Her dad in jail, her mother a reformed addict, 8 siblings, she had to look after them. I think holy fuck, how do you do that and come out such a beautiful person inside and out. She answered back "there are people worst off".

and ofcourse there was Shaun, my good friend, and bad influence. I say that loosely, cause of the things im about to speak of, i was more then willing. It just took a little nudge from someone, and that person was shaun. If i ever had a problem, he wouldn't pussyfoot around and tell me what i want to hear. He would tell me how he seen it, which was what i really needed to hear. It certainly wisened me up a bit to the world. here i was pre moving out thinking i knew soo much about the world and how things work, but after living with these people, my mind was blown.

It wasn't long before we became a close knit group of friends. Yeh we had our bad habits and little quarrels but nothing major. People began referring to us as the jubata crew. We'd go shopping together and go out for lunch and shit with eachother, I started feeling really independant now. Like an actual adult, not just a teen. We were close, family even, painted art together and put it up around the house. Im getting so nostalgic thinking back on it.

We used to have alot of people over to. We had an upcoming band 'The revolvers' come round heaps to jam since we weren't using much of our living room. They kept their amps and equipment at the house so when we left we would have a crack at it. I was the only one who knew how to play guitar so i would try and teach Sam (samara) and Kya how to play and we'd all sing. We used to get stoned with them as well. I had dabbled in weed before, but it wasn't till i was out of home that i started getting into it a little heavier. I remember the first time i had the giggles from it. Kya went out to go get shopping and shaun was having a cone. He is insane with them, would just pile it in. But he nagged me to have one. Kya said cya and left said she'd be back shortly. I caved in and was like 'yeh okay watevs..' Shaun and i were talking and he seen if he had any cigarettes left. He had 3 and was stoked and said to his cigarette packed "Good gurl!"

That was it for me. I was in hysterics.. i physically couldn't stop laughing i was confined to our outdoor chair just laughing my head off. Kya came out to this boisterious cackle (i gotta admit i do have a bizarre laugh) and was like WTF? and looked at me. I had tears in my eyes. I tried to explain it to her, but couldn't hold myself together. I had to go to bed, was soo high.

I did weed regularly now. We used to sell an ounce of weed here and there to help pay the rent, and give us more money to spend on other drugs. Nothing hardcore, just ecstasy, dexties and ritalin. The weed was always there. We used to get together and bag up the weed. Have a laugh and pick out the stem and what not. We didn't wanna be the people who stinged people on it, but we didn't wanna be the people who weren't making money from it either, so they were a fair size.

Kya's parents owned the house. They knew and were fine with it. Her mother used to dabble a bit in it as well. But she gave up soon after we moved in and gave us all this weed she had left over. There was soo much leaf. We made a mullcake, as we had just moved in and were short on kitchen utensils so we strained the butter from the bull with the flyscreen we took off and washed. Peel Alehouse had let me go, and Kya hooked me up with a glassy job at 'Toucan' club (is a hole) to help me get by. She worked as a bar girl at Players. They were owned by the same people and she would finish around the same time as me. We would come back to jubata and smoke weed and go to bed. But the mullcake was in the fridge after work one night. So we both had about a third of it. we were talking for ages and nothing happened. We decided to call it a night and went to walk into the room to sleep. I have never felt so heavy in my life. We ended up sleeping in the same bed cause we were so high and felt like we were melting into the mattress. Next day i met Kya's mother for the first time. I was still stoned as fuck and couldn't even string a sentence together.. it was 4pm the next day.

Kya's birthday was coming up. Her mum payed for all of us to stay at the burswood for a weekend. They are well off, but still i thought it was amazing. We had a plan to sell an ounce each this week and the profits would be used as spending money for the weekend. One of our friends were going to hook us up with ten e's for the weekend for a really god price so we did it. I had done it before. It was no biggie. The friday night we got there and i was a bit tired. Me and Kya Snorted half a pill each. I was buzzed had an awesome night out at the clubs. Shaun was meeting with Johan a guy he had kind of been seeing at the time. They had only met a few weeks earlier. Johan ended up staying with us at the hotel. The next day we were tired, but determined to make it an epic weekend, it was already brilliant. We smoked copious amounts of weed in the room. I snorted an e as well before we left to go to the clubs. I was a fucking wreck. Having a ball but chewing my lips off. I wanted more, snorted another half. Then we were going to go to the rise so we ended up crushing the pills behind a car parked out front this random building (later turned out to be a church). I have never been soo fucked in my life. We got back to the hotel around 3-4am and sat in a circle o the bed all wide eyed smoking cones. We were videoing it.

Something ticked. I couldn't look at johan, his eyes literally looked like a cartoon. I was looking at everyone and they looked 2d and not real. My mind was racing and the paranoia of the weed was kicking in. I couldn't feel my body. I felt like i was floating. My head actually felt like i could of put my hand through it. I was panicking. I couldn't tell if i was hot or cold. I thought my body was overheating and i had no idea. My heart was pounding out my chest. i could physically see it pulsating. They told me too calm down and go for a cold shower to hydrate myself. I was sitting in there thinking "tonights the night im going to die". I got out, and still the music was inside my head.. Birds of tokyo feeling like it was about to cave my head in. Shaun took me for a walk down the hallway. I thought maybe i just need to see someones (who hadn't done drugs that night) eyes. I didn't want to go down the elevator i thought it would freak me out. But someone was walking to the elevator. so i went to look at them and this black sheath appeared and went round their eyes. I was tripping out, the hallway seemed to be fluctuating in length. I got back in the room. I asked them 'If i was peaking out would you guys please call an ambulance?' i though they'd say yes but they replied

"Liam, ambulances are like $600"

I was freaking out, all i can remember thinking was im going to die. Shaun decided it was time we all go to bed. He turned the music off, and all the lights. My mind was still racing. I asked Kya if she would look after me for the night and she cuddled me to sleep. I didn't want to sleep. I thought i wouldn't wake up. I remember thinking "this is it. im just going to be known by my family as that brother, son that OD'd on drugs in his teens".

I woke up scattered and shakey, but managed to drive home. I didn't touch ecstasy from there on. I just went stupid on it. I didn't even smoke weed for a good while after that. I was paranoid that it would kick the e back in. My pupils were pin drops on the drive home, maybe i was still off my head..

From then on i have never been the same. Im getting back to my old self now. I ended up moving out of jubata 4 months later. In august. Our "friend" had ripped me off $300 claiming she was in debt by dealers. My tafe graduation i had no money. I had to borrow it off mum. I still seen mum regularly, i missed them. i just wanted to be with them again. The next day i went into kya's room. She was coming down off pills. Everything seemed fucked. Samara had left, i loved her so much, like a sister. Everyone was pissed off cause she left to sydney to meet this girl that she loved. She had met her before. I understood that, i didn't want her living in regret. I remember when she told me. I was in her room. We both just started crying, we had grown so close, she wasn't sure if she was coming back. I didn't want to be left with shaun and kya, they didn't get along with eachother, samara was the only one i could just chill with without any bitchiness going on.

But to my point Keeley the "friend" who ripped me off $300 dollars had bought another batch of pills to sell to with my money i gave her to try and recover the debt she was in. But Kya had been getting fed ecstasy for free and keeley wasn't making money from the pills she was just eating them. She had become a pill fein and still is today. I was raging, kya told me to fuck off, and claimed she knew nothing about it. We had a screaming match and i went for a drive and visited mum. She got me a trailer that day and i moved out. Me and kya are friends again, we do love eachother, its just money,drugs and friends dont mix.

Martin wasn't allowed to see mum now. I was living out of home at the time. But mum had moved houses to hallshead. Martin moved a few streets away so he could see Abbi and Ella more (his daughters). One night he was looking after them. They weren't settling down and he was a little drunk. He called mum screaming at her too come round because Ella wouldn't settle and go to bed. Mum went round. As soon as she went in his house, he locked the doors. He started shoving mum around and getting physical with her. Mum would try to leave but he kept pushing her away from the door and pinning her to the walls im told. She ended up grabbing Ella (who witnessed the whole thing and was balling her eyes out, scared out of her mind) and made a run for it, and got out and drove home and locked the doors. She called the police and our grandad. Our grandad is a hardcase. Not that old, but he could fuck him up easily. Mum needed to get Abbi from the house. Mum got a restraining order against martin for 24hours after the incident. He came round the following day while everyone was in bed trying to bash the door down and get in the house screaming at my mum too let him in. The police came and now we dont see him. He has a 2year Violent restraining order against him.

He came round only a couple of months ago. He waltzed on in uninvited. We played it cool, didn't want him to snap or anything. My mum had a few drinks and was out in the garage. He was out talking to her, he yelled at me to come out but i kept on ignoring him. He came in and demanded "I shake his hand".

Me - "Im not shaking your hand.."

Martin *drunk* - "I know i made mistakes but just shake my hand!"

Me - "no.. you disgust me, i dont even want to speak to you, i dont even want to know your still living.."

He walked out into the garage in a rage.

I went out to have a look and he was forcing my mum to kiss him. I locked the House up all doors so he couldn't get in at all. My mum was outside still. I told martin to call a taxi and he wouldn't.

Me: "I called a taxi now, so you can leave an wait for it, or i can call the cops and tell them you have violated your VRO YOUR choice!"

Martin: "FUCK YOU! come out here and BE A FUCKING MAN ABOUT IT! *next line was in my mums ear* Your just going to let your faggot son rule your life forever!! *back to me* Fuck you liam!! wait till i see you out buddy!"

I opened the garage door and he ran off. Mum went to bed. I had already called the cops. I should of kept him trapped in the garage. But he would of gone to prison and Ella and Abbi claim they dont have a dad as it is. I slept with a knife next to my bed that night just incase he came back. The police couldn't take a statement from mum because she was "intoxicated"

I met a guy though this past year. He changed my life, i thought luke and dylan was true love. But i honestly have never felt that way about anyother person but him. Im not going to say his name, i feel like i should protect him from any "gay" criticism. I dont wish it on people to be gay. But he was a skater, straight acting. His smile, His eyes, the stupid shit he did was what made me love him most. We would take dexties and go out driving. He would stay at jubata with me when i went to see shaun. He smoked alot of weed, but it was wierd he was more talkitive on it. By day he was my bestfriend, but when it was us, i duno it just seemed like something more. Maybe i was tricking myself. He had a bit of a rough upbringing too. I really felt for his mother, she is a strong women, looking after soo many people and her children.

I would go around and see him when he was "grounded" and we would watch movies. It was an unspoken attraction to eachother. What happened behind closed doors stayed with us. We would smoke j's around the side of his house, drive to macca's. We would have the presets cranking in the car smoking marlboro golds. Almost everyday we would hang out for a solid month or 2. but then i had to stop hanging with him. I told him i was finding him attractive and i wanted to keep this friendship. He understood, he said i was a good friend and doesn't want anything to change that. fuck i loved him soo much. He told me he got a gf. I was devastated. But was determined to keep the friendship. He would still come "see" me even when he was with her. I remember picking him up from a party cause he had gotten in a fight. I left my work (players bar) to go pick him up. I raced over there ready to fucking kill. I was soo protective of him. He got in the car and i didn't know what to do. i just gave him a cuddle and dropped him off at jubata. I told him we can talk about it after work, we went back to jubata and we scraped some resin. We set up guitar hero and i had to go work.

him: "thanks liam.. *hug*"

Liam: "it's alright kido, il see you after work.."

I have said it heaps, but fuck i loved him soo much.. But god i dont know what it was about him, he was physically attractive but it was just so much more, he had such a loving nature, the quiet type, but when he talked you didn't want him to stop. Pulp fiction says "you know you found someone special when you can sit in eachothers company and just enjoy the silence". That was it. I just enjoyed being in his presence.

All good things come to an end though. Last time i seen him was at my friend chloes house. Previously i had been a drunken idiot, and we had a lil argument about him trying crack. Rightfully so though, if he had seen the people who came to jubata when i lived there he wouldn't wanna even see/touch that shit. He has soo much potential to do great things in life, i dont want him going and ruining it by doing crack. But after the dust setlled we were in chloes room just play fighting like brothers would. it was soo fun, it was if he had let his guard down for once and was just mucking around. I think i fucked up though. i was sitting up and he was laying down.

me: "do you mind if i kiss you?"

him: "hmmm.. just on the cheek"

he had a gf at the time. He seemed pretty commited to her. But i think that was it. I picked up a jumper i gave him a few weeks later. He looked a little sad, but i duno if he was he said he was tired. I gave him a cigarette and told him what i had been up to and he did to.

Me: "well i suppose i better be off"

him: "mmm..i..il walk you out"

and that was it. I dont know what happened. I feel like i fucked things up, all i really want to do is know what happened. It went from being so perfect to falling to shit within 2 weeks.. When i asked to kiss him, did it get too real? I hooked up with someone he knew, but he would openly tell me about how he was sleeping with so and so and i would shrug it off.. But i think maybe that wound him up. But i think the more i think about it, the further away i get from what actually happened, maybe it wasn't really there at all.. Despite my feelings and numerous signs saying otherwise, maybe it just wasn't there. But thats what i have been up too the last year in a very confined nut shell. Il doo this more often from now on i promise.


"Its in your eyes, the love you know that.. the ones you love you lost completely.." - Presets