I confessed to them.. I told them about how i felt.. how the kiss meant a lot more to me then they were led to believe.. i wish i had been honest when they asked me the first time round.. They really do mean the world to me, and i have to give them credit for them to be able to absorb all i was saying to them yet still come out so understanding. I am writing a song about them. I think i had mentioned i had started writing it a post or 2 ago, i haven't been reflecting as much so I'm not too sure about it.
It's titled 'Tiny Dancer'.. i wont go into the meaning.. they know and i know.. the way i want it to be.. i hope one day i can get famous and play in front of a big crowd in Perth.. They will be in the crowd and i will put my heart and soul into the song too truly touch them and let them know just how much they still mean to me.. I won't be able to see them, but i know their there listening, whether their married and with their family, single, taken.. just as long as their there.
Its currently 11:30pm.. My uncle was just around. i let him have his acoustic back, the same acoustic which has made me the guitar player i can say i am today. It was on that acoustic i wrote my very first song.. When i look back on the song i created i realize how much i have grown as a musician and as a person in general. Being able to make lyrics and interpret feelings and situation into song.. it makes me feel alive and poetic.. But the acoustic is rightfully his, yet i still feel a little attachment to it. Just thinking of the countless nights i have spent on it whilst writing blogs or doing 'homework' on the computer gives me a feeling of sadness.
I need to get a grip, its just a guitar.. I am thinking about going to bed now.. I had Luke stay over the night before. We got done for possession of alcohol whilst on our way to the movies.. We got let off with a juvenile warning though.. They said we had a very good attitude about us which helped them in making their judgment. We didn't even drink that night so the morning was seedy free and i felt a bit refreshed. I really do like hanging with Luke, he is like an untold brother to me.. I hope when or if i get into a proper relationship they can be as good to me as Luke is..
For now I'm going to bed.. i wonder what the new week has in store for me.. Last week of school until its all over for me.. I'm scared, yet anxious to see what awaits me.. time will tell..
'Life isn't a destination, it's a journey..' - Teghan George
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Delayed i know..
It exactly one month till my 17th birthday. it also been almost a month since my last blog.. and i have plenty to document. I have started getting into the more teeny aspects of teenage life such as hook ups and partying down in Mandurah. People would be jumping for joy, and saying well done, but the truth is if anything it has confused me even more. I dont know what i'm after these days.
I dunno if i like what i am doing, i dont really get as much satisfaction as i thought i would of at first glance. I don't want the emotional attachment that goes with some drunken hookups and i have suceeded in that with all but some.. im going to wait a while before i document these feelings further..
(10days have past.. i am now on the computer after bailing on my friends at some juvenile party)
So now i am drunk i can document my inner thoughts with a little more truth then one would expect from a sober mind. Luke had his 16th birthday party.. i had soo much fun it was incredible. I ended up hooking up with about 6 people in total but now without its consequences.. One was someone my friend liked, i knew he liked them but i gave into to them anyway. i felt horrible, they had lost trust in me and it was the worst feeling ever. The second was a girl who ended up being in the same school and year as my little brother. I honestly thought she was older, i felt really bad in the next days to come as i had realized her age. The third i planned on hooking that night and this is what i am going to elaborate on..
I fell in love with them.. i didn't mean to but it just happened.. I planned on hooking up with them as i had fancied them for a while before the party had happened. They are gorgeous, perfect in every way i can think. Their lips were soft, their face was perfect, their eyes were shining. They took me behind the shed, they thought they were going to vomit. It was definitely not as romantic now that i think of it but i thought it was perfect. They kissed with such feeling i couldn't help but be suckered in to them.
Now for people who have read my posts on here before you will be disappointed to know this was yet another friend, Except this time they were in my reach. I ended up bunking with them the night. I was on the couch, but was rudely awakened with Luke and Alex pinching my face telling me to get back up at 4 and start drinking with them. They let me in their sleeping device and hadn't felt more comfortable in my life. I promised myself not to get attached to them, it was not my intention to fall for them, it had just took a turn for the worst.
Things were weird the next day but were back to normal before i knew it. I went out drinking with them the w/e after. We all ended up staying at lukes, he has become an easy accommodation option as of late. We talked on the couch about that drunken night. It was great that we got some things established, i felt like this person had really put lots of trust and friendship into me, which will go on to reward them later on in life. We were talking about that kiss..
'That kiss didn't mean anything to you did it?...' they said.. it was in the nicest of intentions. They had a hint of worry in their voice as if they were stressing they could of ended up hurting me. I couldn't tell them it meant the world to me. They were honestly the best kiss i have had in my life, i don't regret doing it at all, i just don't like the confusion it is causing me lately. I just replied with a false 'ahaha na don't worry about it' and smiled and continued to carry the conversation.
It has really turned around to bite me in the arse. They have really took a liking to another, and i am hearing about it more and more as time goes on. I haven't moved on, and its hurting me to think it had meant nothing to them when i put my heart and soul into them. The worst part of all is that i am actually getting a little bit jealous over it which is horrible. I don't want to be a jealous person i want to be happy for my friends and be able to celebrate them making relations along side them.
I know whats to come. I will cry my eyes out, suck it up.. and move on.. who's next?
'Don't let him go.. his always on your mind'...
I dunno if i like what i am doing, i dont really get as much satisfaction as i thought i would of at first glance. I don't want the emotional attachment that goes with some drunken hookups and i have suceeded in that with all but some.. im going to wait a while before i document these feelings further..
(10days have past.. i am now on the computer after bailing on my friends at some juvenile party)
So now i am drunk i can document my inner thoughts with a little more truth then one would expect from a sober mind. Luke had his 16th birthday party.. i had soo much fun it was incredible. I ended up hooking up with about 6 people in total but now without its consequences.. One was someone my friend liked, i knew he liked them but i gave into to them anyway. i felt horrible, they had lost trust in me and it was the worst feeling ever. The second was a girl who ended up being in the same school and year as my little brother. I honestly thought she was older, i felt really bad in the next days to come as i had realized her age. The third i planned on hooking that night and this is what i am going to elaborate on..
I fell in love with them.. i didn't mean to but it just happened.. I planned on hooking up with them as i had fancied them for a while before the party had happened. They are gorgeous, perfect in every way i can think. Their lips were soft, their face was perfect, their eyes were shining. They took me behind the shed, they thought they were going to vomit. It was definitely not as romantic now that i think of it but i thought it was perfect. They kissed with such feeling i couldn't help but be suckered in to them.
Now for people who have read my posts on here before you will be disappointed to know this was yet another friend, Except this time they were in my reach. I ended up bunking with them the night. I was on the couch, but was rudely awakened with Luke and Alex pinching my face telling me to get back up at 4 and start drinking with them. They let me in their sleeping device and hadn't felt more comfortable in my life. I promised myself not to get attached to them, it was not my intention to fall for them, it had just took a turn for the worst.
Things were weird the next day but were back to normal before i knew it. I went out drinking with them the w/e after. We all ended up staying at lukes, he has become an easy accommodation option as of late. We talked on the couch about that drunken night. It was great that we got some things established, i felt like this person had really put lots of trust and friendship into me, which will go on to reward them later on in life. We were talking about that kiss..
'That kiss didn't mean anything to you did it?...' they said.. it was in the nicest of intentions. They had a hint of worry in their voice as if they were stressing they could of ended up hurting me. I couldn't tell them it meant the world to me. They were honestly the best kiss i have had in my life, i don't regret doing it at all, i just don't like the confusion it is causing me lately. I just replied with a false 'ahaha na don't worry about it' and smiled and continued to carry the conversation.
It has really turned around to bite me in the arse. They have really took a liking to another, and i am hearing about it more and more as time goes on. I haven't moved on, and its hurting me to think it had meant nothing to them when i put my heart and soul into them. The worst part of all is that i am actually getting a little bit jealous over it which is horrible. I don't want to be a jealous person i want to be happy for my friends and be able to celebrate them making relations along side them.
I know whats to come. I will cry my eyes out, suck it up.. and move on.. who's next?
'Don't let him go.. his always on your mind'...
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