Moody mode..

Seriously, right now everyone can tongue my fucking balls.. I could not give a shit about what they have to say, cause 90% of the time its completely irrelevant to my life, and im stuck there listening and trying to be polite.. But not all is bad at the moment.. I may have a new employment opportunity as a waitperson at a restaurant/cafe located near by.. I just pray to that higher being they do not turn me into some kind of dish pig..

So i seen my dad, it was better then expected.. and i didn't expect a lot out of the trip, but it seems every time i see the man i come back feeling a little closer to him.. I came back feeling revived and my thirst for some truth in a few troubles had been quenched.. I even had a fitness routine when i was living up there this time, full on weight training and cardio workouts..

One time when i was working out he asked me to come into the storage room we have on the side of the house.. he started shuffling around old boxes and Christmas toys that had lost their novelty, until finally he reached what he had wanted to show me.. It was out stuff as a kid, year 1 & 2 stuff from my primary school and a few kindergarten items.. It was good, i could remember myself making some of the items I seen.. But then he found it..

'I wanted to show you this though..' and with that he handed over a book.. i turned it around to read the title.. I cant remember the exact title but it was something to do with Separation and Divorce.. It was a guide which helped give people thinking of getting Separated or Divorced a few things to think about, such as child support and rights and all that stuff.. It also touched on coping with the situations as well..

But he told me it was a book that Mum was reading when they were still married, before the troubles and before it became obvious to him what was going on.. Now this might not seem like alot, but it really meant alot to me.. It's like i have been blaming my Dad for what happened in the past and have seen him as the enemy.. But he was actually trying his hardest to pull and hold the family together.. And no matter how much he tried, or changed or sacrificed, it was inevitable.. It was going to happen, my mum had already started planning it and it was going to happen.

With that said and myself finally starting to com to a more rashional conclusion, the visit to my dad was good.. My brother was really good to me this time, he let me meet all his friends and drinking buddies and we had a great laugh.. He really does have a great bunch of friends and that no joke.. I thought the country would be full of redneck, wankers with mail order brides.. but no there were legitimately nice guys and girls living in Karratha..

There was one kid who i thought was an absolute champion.. He was seriously one of the highlights of the trip but i only met him the night before I left.. His name was Alex Oreo (not sure about the spelling) and he was a really cool kid.. Looked hell surfy, a guy i assume all the girls love but he was really playful and cheeky.. At the end of the night when i was totaled and he had just finished talking to his gf I wondered over and sat next to him.. He seemed a little upset and for a second i thought the kid was going to cry.. i just put my arm around him and cuddled him slightly.. Just gave him a body to listen to.. I assume most Karratha kids would get called gay getting deep and talking about some of the things we did, so maybe this was a rare and helpful thing i did.. But with that the party had ended and it was time to go home and sleep in my Karratha bed for the last time before i returned home..

We arrived at the terminal and waited for the boarding call.. we made a few jokes to keep the spirit up but it didn't work.. The boarding call came over the speakers and with that it was time to go.. As Dad hugged us goodbye i noticed his eyes watering and his voice getting shakey.. So he hugged us for the last time and with that wished us a safe trip and left the airport.. I don't think i have ever seen my dad come close to crying like that before.. It hit a heart string with me.. I put on my sunglasses and boarded the plane.. As we were leaving the runway and taking off i could only help but think, down there.. My dad would be looking out his car window, watching the plane take his 2 boys he hoped would never of left him in the beginning..

'Just take what you need, and be on your way and Stop crying your heart out..' - Oasis

So here I am..

So here i am, a new year, new friends and another blank canvas in the form of a text box in which to post my first blog for 2008.. I'm just not sure of anything at the moment right now.. I don't think i can blame it on lack of sleep and over thinking this time.. Maybe i can just blame it on me being a dreamer, who gets attached to near impossible people, to have and call my own.

I don't think i can be certain about anything right now, that is besides the fact i know im not certain about anything right now.. Everything that seems to be blossoming into something special, seems to do a 360 on me and i end up a little emotionally battered and bruised by it.. Everyone seems to be getting into this whole lets have serious relationships business, which is totally fine.. But it just makes me wonder where i fit sometimes.. Am i to spend the best of my years watching other people fall in and out of love and never experience it myself?

I was considering a new years resolution to be 'get in a serious relationship this year..' but is it truly what i want? i just don't know.. It would be great to have someone to care about you, and give you that feeling of security.. but i have seen what it does to people when all falls to shit.. I'm a mess over people i have barely known but had a gut feeling that it seemed so right.. If i was to become dependant on someone, then them leave my life i can only assume its going to hurt ten fold..

I have stayed with Dylan the last couple of days.. his family had taken a camping trip to albany and he has been left to watch his house.. a familiar situation to me a week ago.. I had to look after my Nana's house for 2 weeks while she left to Malaysia.. I feel awful that i have to leave him, but it's only a week i suppose. But when you live on your own everyday seems to drag for an eternity.. And the company is always a welcome change which helps time pass by.. I loved staying with him.. He is just a really good kid.. i don't know how to describe him other than he is one of my bestfriends.. He told me last night when i stayed with him, 'Liam, don't go to Karratha.. Stay here with me..'

How tempting it was to stay with him.. but i couldn't.. I have been booked to see my Dad and brother again on the 14th till the 27th.. I'm not even looking forward to it to be honest.. I love seeing them, i mean their family.. but i have a bad feeling about this time.. There is nothing there for me besides them and alcohol, And i have been drinking way too much lately..

Nothing is going to blossom with that christmas padgent person i met.. It hurts me a little, but maybe it was never meant to be.. It just felt so right though.. But maybe i was just a sucker for their charm and sweet nature.. They probably do the exact same to most the people they meet.. They are tied up in a relationship still anyways.. Maybe i was just some escape while things were a bit down in their relationship.. But i still can't help but think 'What if..'

When people use them words in a situation like this, it is merely building false hope.. But maybe this is what i have been living on the whole time.. Maybe one day i will snap out of this dreamer state, and realize things were never meant to be.. But there we go again.. the 'Maybe'.. Maybe i'm destined to be that little park bench the couples go to sit on when their together, that hears everything thats going on with them.. but when they separate, they come back alone to sit on me once again and silently reflect on what used to be..


'Well baby I've been here before, i seen this room, I've walked this floor' - Jeff Buckley