Worst I Have Ever Been...

It's fucked.. thats the simplest way i can describe it..

I went out Tuesday.. Got drunk with old friends from Leeming.. It was great. The drinks were flowing the conversation was excellent and there was drama near the end which sparked even more conversation. That night was the first night i had ever tried Weed in my life as well. I had been drinking Goon and Solo before it. It didn't really effect me that much. I didnt feel any better, i didn't feel any worst. I was just.. I crashed at my friend Sarah's and awaited the long bus trip home.. There was no way i was going to work. I felt fairly ill. I caught my bus home to fall asleep and be woken by my phone ringing. This is somewhat still unfamiliar to me :P

It was luke.. He never usually calls me so i was wondering what was going on. He asked me if i wanted to go out that night and get drunk at Players. I had work that night but was already ill. I didn't wanna say no.. infact i was delighted he wanted to actually hang out.

OK im going to stop.. I cant even talk about this anymore.. It was a fucking good night.. I loved everybit of it.. i remember somebits of the night but the rest is all blank to me. I woke up thursday next to luke as he stayed at mine. I relised i had SWL and totally forgot i had to be at guitar world at 9:30pm. I got soo fucked the night before it wasn't even funny to me. I fucking paniced big time. I could just vaguely remember some parts of the night. It scared me.. I am usually so in control of myself when i drink.. but this night was different i let my tongue loose and held nothing back..

I now remember getting jealous when my m8 hooke dup with someone.. I feel so stupid for it.. I want him to be happy with what he does not look out for me and what i want. Im so selfish like that.. My last 2 days have been filled with SLeeping, crying and trying to talk to them properly.. I dont wanna sound clingy, or as if i'm looking for attention i just wanna know whats going on. I haven't been myself.. I cant even be myself anymore.. Im always looking out and being parnoid with what i do. I am thinking it is a side effect of the Weed i had smoked on tuesday but im not even sure anymore..

Im having people around soon.. I dunno if i want to. It will just end in tears i fucking know it. i will end up sleeping alone while watching the other couples cuddling. I fucking hate the way things are at the moment.. I take everything for granted.. I just wanna go back to what i used to fucking be.. i know this is making no sense to anyone readin this.. i dont want to give away to much.. for everyones sake.. but its alot more fucked then another teenage crying over spilt milk.. i promise

'such imagination seems to help the feeling slide' - Placebo