It is a friday night..

its another lonesome friday night for me.. I always complain about not going out much but i have been reluctant to save myself for the possibilities of 2morrow night. It was semi planned i go to Josh's to have drinks for his 'congratulations you have put up with the world around you for 18years'.. I;m seriously starting to doubt i will be going out 2morrow night though. I have txt him many times but to no avail i have recieved nothing back. The least he could do is txt back and say no im not up 4 it.. its better then waiting around to have a saturday night wasted once again. Im sick of getting stood up by josh. This would be his 4th time he has done it in the last month or 2.

Im settling into school alot better now.. I still hang around the library but im making efforts to go out into the sea of pubescent teens to make contacts. Today i finished reading a book. I know it doesn't sound like much but im usually not a reader. The book was based on a true story, and as all stories (if they are half decent) made me think at the end. It came up with a theory that maybe you dont control whats going happen in the future. If your destined to be someone or become someone it will happen, if you were destined to be a nobody it will happen. Maybe we are all really born with certain destinys you know? like we have a set path in life which we will follow no matter what happens. It was just a deep thought i felt i had to express in words..

So i have 2 pretty decent mandurah mates now.. they are really good 2 me.. i just hope its not 'i feel sorry him' friendship though. One of them is probably the closest friend i got at the moment and i barely know him.. he is good to me though, i dunno what it is but he just puts insecurity on hold when im with him.. its good.. Im slowly falling out with everyone i knew by the day. I guess its all part of growing up. I see them at the ocassional party but its just so arkward seeing them and being around them again. Maybe i never really did fit in with them and just kinda relise it now. Or maybe my thoughts are battling with reality and im just to confused to construct grammer propper.

I feel like i need to start getting a grip of myself. I over analyse everyone way too much. If somethings to good to be true i overthink the whole situaiton and look for faults. It also seems i can't really make many friends these days without falling for them in the process. Its so stupid. It's that same old story i have been through to many times before. Everytime it happens i find myself feeling foolish in the long run. I'm glad many of the friends it has happened to have stuck by me after all i put them through starting from the casual conversations all the way to the drunk and thoughtless confession of my lust for them.

I'm glad im not drinking at the moment in some respects.. I say such stupid things. i also say alot of stuff that is true but i would usually have the will power to keep to myself. i guess im stating the obvious as that happens to probably 99% of us. I dont think i use alcohol to have fun much anymore though. its so stupid its like im using it to stop my mind from thinking for a while, just to relax and let go of all them pent up feelings a sober tongue cannot speak. It has got me into trouble many a time. I dont regret what i say, just which i could say them probably under better circumstances.

I miss having good friends.. yeah there i go again.. but i do. That person you can always rely on. That person whose compassion solves everything and hug tells you your going to be fine. When you breakdown they are there to build you back up again. I think i just need a hug...

'I should be much to smart for this, you know it gets the better of me..' - Bic Runga