lately i have been sleeping my life away.. it probably the easiest way to get through these teenage angst years. I have been feeling better now. i think my outburst of emotion from my las bulletin was mainly due to the over working and lack of sleep. I have been waking up nowadays at around 11 and then having breakfast and going back to bed at around 1ish..
I have gone back to school now.. the holidays are over and not a moment to soon. I was actually missing not being talked to at school :P I have 2 semi friends now.. they get me through the day with small talk now and again.. i will mention their names again so they can feel proud as they may possibly read this.. Thank you Luke and Thank you Sam.. probably the 2 nicest and most genuine dudes i have met down here.. If it wasnt for these guys i probably would of left school or continued to be guy friendless down here. Im not missing leeming anymore.. i mean its a good place to live as it is quite centraled in the region of perth but almost all i knew are slowly losing touch with me..
I have been having doubts about my best guy mate to date.. this dude didn't care about who i was and how people percieved me, he genuinly liked me for who i am.. or so im led to believe.. these days i find myself just a convience for him.. I barely see him unless its convenient for him. If he gets to drive somewhere and im paying for petrol then he will txt back.. I tried skipping work for his 18th but failed. he claims 'txt me anytime and we will go out for it :) '.. another broken promise from this boy.. I txt'd him on three different days even called him numerous times. no answer.. once again stood up.. I dont get it though. we used to be so close when i lived near him.. what am i a fucking burden on him now? the effort to pick up a phone once and a while and fucking reply must be unbareable. I dont wan't to blame his gf.. she is lovely girl.. even i approve of her (although that means basically nothing in the language of love) And im finding it hard to think that WOW can possibly consume him this much.. I miss him.. i wonder how things could of been if i didn't move. I find myself getting paranoid thinking 'maybe he found this move a life saver more then anything..' and from recent actions this theory is becoming a fact quick and fast.. 'Soulmates never die..' i wish it was true..
Do you learn to love?? or is it instinct.. i have been racking my brain trying to think of logical explanation.. I dont think i have ever loved to be loved back.. i know i must sound like a bleeding heart but its true to date. I went out with a girl for a year, but that wasn't love nor attraction, merely just so i could say i was in a 'relationship'.. I have been coming to the conclusion that loves is something you might have to learn for yourself, or be taught by leading examples.. I can't say i have been taught by any leading examples (divorced parents.. and on-off relations) and i dont think i have been learning for myself.. What are you supposed to do if u truly like someone?? is there some sort of plan or rules you have to follow? sounds like a movie and probably is but it is really bugging me.. I mean it must be a little more complex then getting drunk and hooking up with them (which in most cases is how it happens, i find anyways) but maybe this is just what i want to believe..
'No suprises - Radiohead'
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Saturday, April 14, 2007
This is where i pour my heart out...
I miss it.. i truly do.. I wish i didnt move to mandurah sometimes.. i wish i hadn't become attached to people donw here so easily. I want to move back. I like it donw here but i still have no real friends.. The closest i ahve to friends are people i make small talk with in class. I feel like such a social outcast her ein mandurah.. everyone talks about these parties they went to, how hot so and so is.. i dont know any of these people.. and i sure as hell dont know of any parties.. everyone is so clicky down here.. i want to be mates with people but i dunt wanna come off as if im trying to hard to fit in. I feel like such a dick going up to someone i barely know and saying 'hey can i sit with u guys?' its seems like such a desperato thing to do. That and intrusive also.
The year 11's i know are kewl. Its nice talking to them. they are alot more lightened up and relaxed about things. I miss Leeming. I had it all. i knew everyone that wa sneeded to be known. I got along with the majority of yr 12's and wasn't a fucking nobody. My school work hasnt even improved from being a library loner either. I used to go to parties almost every second w/e and hang out with friends all the time. Thats the way i wished things could have been down here. Its not looking like that is going to happen anytime soon however. The whole time i have been in mandurah i haven't gone anywhere with people i know down in mandurah.. its always been me inviting a friend down for the w/e so i can here about what i am missing and have a good laugh and drink with them. I can't tell them they are missing anything. Im stil the same, and most the hang outs i have ar eusually up in perth with them..
I miss josh, and chris but mostly josh. We used to be hell good mates. We used to hang out soo much when i live dup in leeming. Now i can barely ever get in touch with him. It saddens me everytime i listen to 'Sleeping with ghosts' to know im miles apart form what i considered a best friend. I seen him at dirks 18th though which was good, but he stood me up the next day which i was hoping would of been a much needed hang out. im not going to say i didn't care. because i was cut. I waited over an hour and ahalf for him to come hoping he would. But to no avail, no show, no hangout..
I miss going out aswell. I never drink anymore, which is good for my liver atm but its totally fucking me round socially. I hate the way i have to plan to go and see my friends, its never a on the spur kinda thing. The last time i drank was at dirks. It reminded me of how good things were back in leeming. I seen heaps off people i used to go to school with and all of them were all happy and buzzy and it was great.
When people are in a shit mood now i have to travel an hour and ten mintues to get there.. on a bus that stops at 5:43pm each day.. What the fuck is with that!! its like a fucking trap/curfew. The point im making here is i wish i could have the same life in a different location. I dunno how its oging to happen if it does, but i hope it well happen eventually sooner then later..
'Protect me from what i want - Placebo'
The year 11's i know are kewl. Its nice talking to them. they are alot more lightened up and relaxed about things. I miss Leeming. I had it all. i knew everyone that wa sneeded to be known. I got along with the majority of yr 12's and wasn't a fucking nobody. My school work hasnt even improved from being a library loner either. I used to go to parties almost every second w/e and hang out with friends all the time. Thats the way i wished things could have been down here. Its not looking like that is going to happen anytime soon however. The whole time i have been in mandurah i haven't gone anywhere with people i know down in mandurah.. its always been me inviting a friend down for the w/e so i can here about what i am missing and have a good laugh and drink with them. I can't tell them they are missing anything. Im stil the same, and most the hang outs i have ar eusually up in perth with them..
I miss josh, and chris but mostly josh. We used to be hell good mates. We used to hang out soo much when i live dup in leeming. Now i can barely ever get in touch with him. It saddens me everytime i listen to 'Sleeping with ghosts' to know im miles apart form what i considered a best friend. I seen him at dirks 18th though which was good, but he stood me up the next day which i was hoping would of been a much needed hang out. im not going to say i didn't care. because i was cut. I waited over an hour and ahalf for him to come hoping he would. But to no avail, no show, no hangout..
I miss going out aswell. I never drink anymore, which is good for my liver atm but its totally fucking me round socially. I hate the way i have to plan to go and see my friends, its never a on the spur kinda thing. The last time i drank was at dirks. It reminded me of how good things were back in leeming. I seen heaps off people i used to go to school with and all of them were all happy and buzzy and it was great.
When people are in a shit mood now i have to travel an hour and ten mintues to get there.. on a bus that stops at 5:43pm each day.. What the fuck is with that!! its like a fucking trap/curfew. The point im making here is i wish i could have the same life in a different location. I dunno how its oging to happen if it does, but i hope it well happen eventually sooner then later..
'Protect me from what i want - Placebo'
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
In the beggining...
In the beginning of my mandurah move, i could say i had never felt so isolated from everyone in my life.. Now however im starting to really like it down here. Its trips back to my old neighbourhood that just re-enforce my opinions. I was up in leeming for 4 days starting from thursday. I must admit i enjoyed seeing mates but there were also times i just wished i stayed in mandurah.
Thursday was a great day.. I went to 'Blackjack' seen a couple of awesome bands.. Gnarls Barkley exceeded my expectations and totally blew me away. I knew they where going to be a solid act in the line up but he truly was amazing. The Pixies i was unsure about.. as soon as they got on stage though you could feel the stage presense. They hit it off with a light song of which im not sure, but it was a really beautiful song.. I knew after that song that this was going to be a band to remember.
Friday was just as good. I went to a mates for a small party she was having. I didnt relise alcohol was illegal to sell on good friday and therefore i had to turn up empty handed and sober. The good news was the mother was a very generous lady.. she kept feeding me cocktails and all sorts of alcoholic beverages.. Sex on the beach, Mudslides you name it, it was all going down my throat. It was good seeing old mates again aswell. its true though.. some things never change. Simon took his shirt off at the first opportunity he could get. i felt sorry for the boy knowing that everyone around him from that moment on thought he was a tool. I guess him wearing eye shadow only added to the impression. Met a couple of cool guys that night aswell. Nathan and Luke from what i remember. Pretty easy going people, hell easy to chat to. I ended up staying the night.
Saturday morning was looking good. I didn't have a sore head or anything so that was a total bonus for me. We were fed pancakes and various other bits by the host's mother. I decided it was my time to leave and started walking for the bus stop. In half an hours time i reached my bus stop and decided i will go in and just grab a drink quickly. The girl who served me looked a bit ditzy and seemed a bit withdrawn. I get my large coke and go to the bus-stop once again. I get on the bus and ask for my 50cent student fare. He tells me that is only when i use a smart rider which i was holding in my hand. I was scrummaging aorund for an extra 10cents but to no avail i had not a piece of shratnel left. He wouldn't let me on and i had to wait another 30mins for my next bus.
I go into the shopping centre at bullcreek and withdraw $20 from my account. I looked at my reciept and to my suprise i only had 12 bucks left. I had $60 the night before. I went and broke my 20 so i could get on the bus without a lecture of why i shouldn't use Notes on a bus. I finally made it on the bus and was glad to be sitting and relaxing for the first time of the day. I couldn't help but think as to where all my money had gone.. Later turns out the stupid girl at HJ's overwithdrew me when i used eftpos to get my drink. I get off near my aunties house and walk to hers. I get there to see her partner and his friend pulling out the drive way with a trailer. They were moving houses that day. I thought someone would still be in the house but not a soul was in there. They didnt even leave a window open. i sat for 5minutes then thought i would see a friend as i waited for them to get back.
I was sweating like a rape victim.. I had long cargo pants on as it was cold the night before. My phone and anti biotics where inside the house i was locked out of so i couldn't even check the bus times to see if there was one coming frequently past my m8's house. I just decided to keep on walking to his. About another half an hour later i arrived at his. After all the options went through my head of what was going to happen when i seen him, i didnt even stop to think of the option i wouldn't see him. His car was out of the carport but i still decided i would try and knock on his door. No answer and the frustration began to vent in me. I decided fuck walking back.. I waited at a bus stop with a couple of people already there. i thoguht this was a sure sign of a bus about to come, and as it turns out it was. I get on the bus and wait for it to take me down the road and near my aunties. As it looks like it is going past Apsley road it doesnt.. it takes a sharp right onto the road taking me even further from my aunties and to the city.. i thought i had caught the 879 but i accidently caught the 878. I quickly pressed the button and got off at the shopping centre located up the street. i ring my mother with the last of the shratnel i have left and ask her to get my aunty to pick me up.. (cause i didn't know my aunties number as my phone was still in her house) My mother basically told me to get stuffed.. I had had it completely with the whole fucking day so far.. 'FUCK YOU THEN!!' and i hung up and started my long journey back to my aunties.. As cars past i pretended to scratch my hair or yawn to cover up my face as i was close to tears.. My hang over had kicked in.. i was broke and sweating heaps.. I jsut wanted to be back at home in Mandurah. I got back to my aunties and had shaped up. i helped them move the rest of their stuff out the house and then started getting ready for my friends 18th.. I had managed to borrow some money of my aunty for alcohol and as a present for dirk.
I wasnt in the mood for a party after the day but a couple of Canadian Clubs had certainly changed my mind. It was nice seeing dirk. I barely ever see him nowadays. I hardly seen him enough when i was in leeming, so being in mandurah doesnt help. I also caught up with tux and a few friends from my old school and theirs 2 as most of them had graduated. I finally got too meet some of the Dick Smiths crew that dirk and tux had been telling us about aswell which was fun. A few new experiences that night to.. I drnak out of a street cone, i will tell you now it doesnt work as good as i thought it would. My shirt was drenched with beer (the foulest of all drinks followed by goon) I ended up almost passing out in the toilet at his and that was when i relised its about my bed time..
Sunday was long and pretty boring.. I said my farewells in the morning and got picke dup by my aunty. She gave me my clothes and i set off to the city for the long bus trip home. I waited in hopes that my friend josh wouldn't forget to meet me in the city sunday.. I waited over an hour and a half then decided to call it quits and just get the fuck home. The bus ride was great. Probably the most peaceful sleep i had in a while. I was feeling ceedy and couldn't wait to ocntinue this sleep when i got home. It was interrupted by a suprise easter meal with the fmaily on the mandurah foreshore.. I was pretty pissed off. I had work later that night and could not be fucked dining with a bunch of oldies while all the young ones are wrapped up playing with eachother.. I get home and try to squeeze in a nana nap before 6 when i had to be at work. I get 5minutes into it, then my mum storms in and tells me im late for a shift.. i was supposed to be in at 5.. I was already late so i wa sin no mood to rush. I end up going to work and it turns out to be onee of the best shifts i have had in ages. Everyone was in a good mood and no hic-cups occured. I even got a pay rise. I was soo happy.
Anyways that was my long w/e party binge.. Had its ups, & had its downs but that comes with most party w/e's. We get a call from the real estate saying the girl who had set us up with this house had been fired and the lease we had signed had not been filled out yet. They want to know if it is a 6month or 12month lease we had wanted. My mum seen this a perfect opportunity to get out of mandurah as quickly as possible.. But i was kinda gutted. I had really started to come and enjoy this place. I have just started to make some pretty kewl mates.. I was just getting into my music again, i was going to start an acoustic project. I relised how much i would have to leave behind. I would have to leave 'Dropjaw' and give up organising underage gigs.. I dont think i want to leave anymore. What am i to go back to?? the normal? my comfort zone? the friends who cbf'd with me unless its convienent for them?? I like it here. I have everything going for me atm. And i dont feel like giving up on Mandurah just when i think im starting to get a grip on it..
'Where is home' - Bloc Party
Thursday was a great day.. I went to 'Blackjack' seen a couple of awesome bands.. Gnarls Barkley exceeded my expectations and totally blew me away. I knew they where going to be a solid act in the line up but he truly was amazing. The Pixies i was unsure about.. as soon as they got on stage though you could feel the stage presense. They hit it off with a light song of which im not sure, but it was a really beautiful song.. I knew after that song that this was going to be a band to remember.
Friday was just as good. I went to a mates for a small party she was having. I didnt relise alcohol was illegal to sell on good friday and therefore i had to turn up empty handed and sober. The good news was the mother was a very generous lady.. she kept feeding me cocktails and all sorts of alcoholic beverages.. Sex on the beach, Mudslides you name it, it was all going down my throat. It was good seeing old mates again aswell. its true though.. some things never change. Simon took his shirt off at the first opportunity he could get. i felt sorry for the boy knowing that everyone around him from that moment on thought he was a tool. I guess him wearing eye shadow only added to the impression. Met a couple of cool guys that night aswell. Nathan and Luke from what i remember. Pretty easy going people, hell easy to chat to. I ended up staying the night.
Saturday morning was looking good. I didn't have a sore head or anything so that was a total bonus for me. We were fed pancakes and various other bits by the host's mother. I decided it was my time to leave and started walking for the bus stop. In half an hours time i reached my bus stop and decided i will go in and just grab a drink quickly. The girl who served me looked a bit ditzy and seemed a bit withdrawn. I get my large coke and go to the bus-stop once again. I get on the bus and ask for my 50cent student fare. He tells me that is only when i use a smart rider which i was holding in my hand. I was scrummaging aorund for an extra 10cents but to no avail i had not a piece of shratnel left. He wouldn't let me on and i had to wait another 30mins for my next bus.
I go into the shopping centre at bullcreek and withdraw $20 from my account. I looked at my reciept and to my suprise i only had 12 bucks left. I had $60 the night before. I went and broke my 20 so i could get on the bus without a lecture of why i shouldn't use Notes on a bus. I finally made it on the bus and was glad to be sitting and relaxing for the first time of the day. I couldn't help but think as to where all my money had gone.. Later turns out the stupid girl at HJ's overwithdrew me when i used eftpos to get my drink. I get off near my aunties house and walk to hers. I get there to see her partner and his friend pulling out the drive way with a trailer. They were moving houses that day. I thought someone would still be in the house but not a soul was in there. They didnt even leave a window open. i sat for 5minutes then thought i would see a friend as i waited for them to get back.
I was sweating like a rape victim.. I had long cargo pants on as it was cold the night before. My phone and anti biotics where inside the house i was locked out of so i couldn't even check the bus times to see if there was one coming frequently past my m8's house. I just decided to keep on walking to his. About another half an hour later i arrived at his. After all the options went through my head of what was going to happen when i seen him, i didnt even stop to think of the option i wouldn't see him. His car was out of the carport but i still decided i would try and knock on his door. No answer and the frustration began to vent in me. I decided fuck walking back.. I waited at a bus stop with a couple of people already there. i thoguht this was a sure sign of a bus about to come, and as it turns out it was. I get on the bus and wait for it to take me down the road and near my aunties. As it looks like it is going past Apsley road it doesnt.. it takes a sharp right onto the road taking me even further from my aunties and to the city.. i thought i had caught the 879 but i accidently caught the 878. I quickly pressed the button and got off at the shopping centre located up the street. i ring my mother with the last of the shratnel i have left and ask her to get my aunty to pick me up.. (cause i didn't know my aunties number as my phone was still in her house) My mother basically told me to get stuffed.. I had had it completely with the whole fucking day so far.. 'FUCK YOU THEN!!' and i hung up and started my long journey back to my aunties.. As cars past i pretended to scratch my hair or yawn to cover up my face as i was close to tears.. My hang over had kicked in.. i was broke and sweating heaps.. I jsut wanted to be back at home in Mandurah. I got back to my aunties and had shaped up. i helped them move the rest of their stuff out the house and then started getting ready for my friends 18th.. I had managed to borrow some money of my aunty for alcohol and as a present for dirk.
I wasnt in the mood for a party after the day but a couple of Canadian Clubs had certainly changed my mind. It was nice seeing dirk. I barely ever see him nowadays. I hardly seen him enough when i was in leeming, so being in mandurah doesnt help. I also caught up with tux and a few friends from my old school and theirs 2 as most of them had graduated. I finally got too meet some of the Dick Smiths crew that dirk and tux had been telling us about aswell which was fun. A few new experiences that night to.. I drnak out of a street cone, i will tell you now it doesnt work as good as i thought it would. My shirt was drenched with beer (the foulest of all drinks followed by goon) I ended up almost passing out in the toilet at his and that was when i relised its about my bed time..
Sunday was long and pretty boring.. I said my farewells in the morning and got picke dup by my aunty. She gave me my clothes and i set off to the city for the long bus trip home. I waited in hopes that my friend josh wouldn't forget to meet me in the city sunday.. I waited over an hour and a half then decided to call it quits and just get the fuck home. The bus ride was great. Probably the most peaceful sleep i had in a while. I was feeling ceedy and couldn't wait to ocntinue this sleep when i got home. It was interrupted by a suprise easter meal with the fmaily on the mandurah foreshore.. I was pretty pissed off. I had work later that night and could not be fucked dining with a bunch of oldies while all the young ones are wrapped up playing with eachother.. I get home and try to squeeze in a nana nap before 6 when i had to be at work. I get 5minutes into it, then my mum storms in and tells me im late for a shift.. i was supposed to be in at 5.. I was already late so i wa sin no mood to rush. I end up going to work and it turns out to be onee of the best shifts i have had in ages. Everyone was in a good mood and no hic-cups occured. I even got a pay rise. I was soo happy.
Anyways that was my long w/e party binge.. Had its ups, & had its downs but that comes with most party w/e's. We get a call from the real estate saying the girl who had set us up with this house had been fired and the lease we had signed had not been filled out yet. They want to know if it is a 6month or 12month lease we had wanted. My mum seen this a perfect opportunity to get out of mandurah as quickly as possible.. But i was kinda gutted. I had really started to come and enjoy this place. I have just started to make some pretty kewl mates.. I was just getting into my music again, i was going to start an acoustic project. I relised how much i would have to leave behind. I would have to leave 'Dropjaw' and give up organising underage gigs.. I dont think i want to leave anymore. What am i to go back to?? the normal? my comfort zone? the friends who cbf'd with me unless its convienent for them?? I like it here. I have everything going for me atm. And i dont feel like giving up on Mandurah just when i think im starting to get a grip on it..
'Where is home' - Bloc Party
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