I must say first of all im in love with this verdana font. Everytime i go to post a new blog i have to have it in verdana, OCD? perhaps.. But its been a couple of weeks since my last post. Maybe 2 weeks to be exact. Im not counting the days or anything. Im certainly not counting the days till christmas. Fuck i hate this season. Especially in Australia. Im going to sound like an absolute moaner here but i really hate the unnecessarily hot days we have in summer. Dont get me wrong, i love going out in the sun, maybe not as much as others, but i still enjoy it, i just really cant be fucked with 35 degree days. Once again i leave my christmas shopping to the last minute.. I Went out today to Carousel which is one of the main malls if not the MALL to go to South of the river. Im glad everyone was in the same "cant be fucked" mood as i was.
I was dodging juvie scum and derolicts like no tomorrow. People i once would have waved to if it was mandurah forum. I feel like such a snob coming back to perth, i dont think i have changed though, just dont feel the need to put up with that shit anymore. You may have remember my old housemate shaun from previous blogs. He was one of my good friends. I use was because now it seems he doesn't want a bar of it, has no idea about what being a friend means. He did go through a mildly rough time, he broke up with his bf of 2years, which i was empathetic about, but its hard to show empathy when all he does is bag out his ex, who im still friends with. I understand people break up, but i dont think there is a real need to be so horrible to an ex if it was probably the best thing they could have both done.
I had been on shauns case for a while though. I had gave him (well my mother did) a big cabinet and television for when he moved into his own house. We agreed a $100 would be fine, it wasn't a big ask. It was worth atleast double what we were asking and he was keen for it. That was late september, and we had moved to perth. Its now December and we hadn't seen or heard or anything about it. I had asked him numberous times. I had asked him politely as my mum was on my fucking back about this $100 all the time. I really didn't see the big deal at first but we had moved and spent alot of money, we were broke some weeks and barely scraping by, that 100 would of been pretty handy especially around the christmas season.
We had an arguement anyway, i constantly see him posting statuses about how he is going out clubbing.. It really fucking pissed me off. We really needed that money. I had told him if he was strapped for cash it was cool but we really need it or id pick the cabinet up and we could sell it. I really couldn't be arsed picking up the cabinet. i Just wanted the cash so it was all good again. He started saying i dont give a shit about whats going on, how he had broken up with johan and how his sister just suddenly moved out. I did feel for him in all honesty, but after seeing all these updates about how he is going out all the time i had enough. I found it hypocritical. When chloe owed him around $200 he was on her case everyday, saying how pissed off he is and how he fucking hates her. He got it within 3 weeks. 3 months now and nothing. I ended up being a bit of a smart arse.
Shauns fb status update:
"I hate it when gay guys use you and rip you off"
myself:
"Yeh it sucks.. trust me.."
we ended up having a massive arguement. He said i have been spoon fed all my life. Which is not true, that is one thing that pisses me off. People who think i work for nothing? 95% of everything i own is all from my hard work and saving. I do get help when i need it, not because im spoon fed, because i ask for it. I was sick of all this shit, i had enough. I said i dont want anything to do with him, im not spoon fed, i just dont go around thinking the world is always fucking against me.
The new guy isn't going to well either. We have remained friends, but not without complications. Its not hard these days to go around and visit him without wanting anything. We have got to a nice level of friendship. But i feel like im getting used. And after "him" i really have no time for it. I have been out looking at houses with one of my bestfriends luke and his girlfriend tayla. Jack asked me to pick him up from somewhere close to an hours drive away from where i live. We had finished the house viewing and i was keen to just relax and unwind with "j". I called them up asking if they wanted picked up and if they wanted to do something tonight. My full was almost empty but i didn't really care, my payment when in the next day so i would be alright for fuel in the morning. I drove out to belmont. Fucking trek. I arrived at the house and he stumbled out towards the car. He was pretty stoned. He told me he had vallium to. Instantly i was a little pissed i knew where this was going.
j: "i cant wait to get home and wash my hair and go to bed."
there it was. After looking at shitholes all day and driving copious hours here i am wasting my time again. i was fucking angry and aggitated. I had his christmas present in the car too. Hoping we could chill at his and give it to him. I didn't want to speak to him. I had a bit of a yell, i just wanted to go home on what little fuel i had. He gave me fuel money in the end, but i was still annoyed, all i wanted to do was go see them and unwind. we made up though, he didn't remember much he was pretty fucked when i got him. it just seems like im making all the effort for a friendship i didn't really want in the first place? their beautiful and their great, i jsut wish they made a little more effort as gay as it sounds. Im not dependant on him, but it would still be nice to know i could depend on him? fuck its wierd i dno.. its too early in the morning for writing much longer.
il probs blog again in jan
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
I try to do handstands for you.
Its been a month or so since my last blog, i thought i had met someone with amazing prospects, i believe i may have even mentioned them at the end of my last post. It all seemed to move so quickly and suddenly. I went to his house one day to hang out. I brought around some weed for us to smoke. He is a little bit of a pot head, but i love it. He is soo chilled, makes me look like im neurotic, his laid back attitude towards everything, but the way he is blunt and very precise on his views and opinions. Amazing guy to talk to. He hates the gay scene as well, cant really stand it. Im over it, everyone wants to know who is fucking who, and what the newest cool word to say is. makes me sick, makes me feel like im back in highschool again, something i barely managed to get through in the first place.
Anyway we had been hanging for a few days, smoking in his room, getting high and watching episodes of southpark or family guy. One night i stayed at his. Usually i would drive home but i was too high to drive home. We had been watching the L word and just talking about anything and everything. Although realisitically i had only really known him for a month, i felt like i had known him for atleast a couple of years. We were so honest about everything. Eventually it came time to sleep. He was explaining how he was such a pro at hickeys in the day and would be covered with them. I tried to give it a go, but im absolutely shit. I dno what happened but we crossed eyes and kissed.
"finally.." i said. I had been wanting to do it for ages but it just seemed like it wasn't the right moment.
"you only had to ask" he said with this cheeky accomplished grin on his face.
From then on we had hit it off, he had said to me he had been going through a rough time and really needed friends but it seemed our actions told a different story. I loved it, loved being able to cuddle him and kiss him, this was the sort of physical friendship/relationship i wanted in someone. Someone i could be friends with during the day, really hit it off with then at night show the more affection side of things.
This lasted about 2-4 days.. I dno it seemed the closest thing to perfect i could really think of. We took the piss out of eachother alot, and mocked eachother but all in good fun. I worried i smothered them, it was hard not too want to kiss them and hug them, i even told them, they said they liked it. They looked genuinely happy, really smitten. I think i was too. No complications just good times. Their mum seemed to like me too, which is always a bonus. Some nights we wouldn't sleep. We would just lay there talking to eachother, cuddling up, telling eachother the most secretive things.
I went around late last week, and things seemed different. They were moody and didn't want to be touched. They had a hickey on their shoulder to. It wasn't me, they claimed it was a friend who was mucking around. I feel a little naive trusting them about it. I have a feeling they seen their ex. They were talking about them a lot that day getting really upset. They were sitting on the computer chair and i was on their bed. Kinda holding their legs either side of me. Not in a sexual way just mucking around. They said they dont think they could do this anymore.
me: "what? do what anymore?"
j: "this.. whats going to happen down the line when one of us get a boyfriend or something?"
me: "i dno, i dont really think about it, i dont wanna hook up with anyone else but you right now."
j: "but i dno if i can do this.. i dont think im ready for it.."
I understood, but was absolutely gutted at the same time. They knew they had upset me, but i reassured them that it was ok, their not the first, and they would not be the last. I think i tried to give off this "its ok i didn't really care that much" attitude, and im pretty sure they didn't buy it. They had broken up with their ex only a couple of months ago. The same time me and chris had parted. He had been seeing this guy for 2 years.
I dont know what to think. I still dont know, they seemed soo happy and if they knew what they wanted, so smitten so content. And then there was this sudden change of heart. They were worried i wouldn't be friends with them anymore. I still want to, but its going to be soo hard. I see them now and all i want to do is hug them and go back to that. Its wierd, i really started feeling for this guy.
Anyway we had been hanging for a few days, smoking in his room, getting high and watching episodes of southpark or family guy. One night i stayed at his. Usually i would drive home but i was too high to drive home. We had been watching the L word and just talking about anything and everything. Although realisitically i had only really known him for a month, i felt like i had known him for atleast a couple of years. We were so honest about everything. Eventually it came time to sleep. He was explaining how he was such a pro at hickeys in the day and would be covered with them. I tried to give it a go, but im absolutely shit. I dno what happened but we crossed eyes and kissed.
"finally.." i said. I had been wanting to do it for ages but it just seemed like it wasn't the right moment.
"you only had to ask" he said with this cheeky accomplished grin on his face.
From then on we had hit it off, he had said to me he had been going through a rough time and really needed friends but it seemed our actions told a different story. I loved it, loved being able to cuddle him and kiss him, this was the sort of physical friendship/relationship i wanted in someone. Someone i could be friends with during the day, really hit it off with then at night show the more affection side of things.
This lasted about 2-4 days.. I dno it seemed the closest thing to perfect i could really think of. We took the piss out of eachother alot, and mocked eachother but all in good fun. I worried i smothered them, it was hard not too want to kiss them and hug them, i even told them, they said they liked it. They looked genuinely happy, really smitten. I think i was too. No complications just good times. Their mum seemed to like me too, which is always a bonus. Some nights we wouldn't sleep. We would just lay there talking to eachother, cuddling up, telling eachother the most secretive things.
I went around late last week, and things seemed different. They were moody and didn't want to be touched. They had a hickey on their shoulder to. It wasn't me, they claimed it was a friend who was mucking around. I feel a little naive trusting them about it. I have a feeling they seen their ex. They were talking about them a lot that day getting really upset. They were sitting on the computer chair and i was on their bed. Kinda holding their legs either side of me. Not in a sexual way just mucking around. They said they dont think they could do this anymore.
me: "what? do what anymore?"
j: "this.. whats going to happen down the line when one of us get a boyfriend or something?"
me: "i dno, i dont really think about it, i dont wanna hook up with anyone else but you right now."
j: "but i dno if i can do this.. i dont think im ready for it.."
I understood, but was absolutely gutted at the same time. They knew they had upset me, but i reassured them that it was ok, their not the first, and they would not be the last. I think i tried to give off this "its ok i didn't really care that much" attitude, and im pretty sure they didn't buy it. They had broken up with their ex only a couple of months ago. The same time me and chris had parted. He had been seeing this guy for 2 years.
I dont know what to think. I still dont know, they seemed soo happy and if they knew what they wanted, so smitten so content. And then there was this sudden change of heart. They were worried i wouldn't be friends with them anymore. I still want to, but its going to be soo hard. I see them now and all i want to do is hug them and go back to that. Its wierd, i really started feeling for this guy.
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