why i still bother amazes me..

so what a turn of events.. after a year of uncertainty im slowly getting some back. Their back in town, by them i mean the person in the last few blogs i have been incredibly hung up on. I was just sitting in my web design class and they suddenly appeared on facebook chat.. I didn't know what to say, or if i should even give them the time of day after how long they had left me for. But being my stupid self i did it.

We engaged in a conversation and he said he was back in Mandurah. My heart was racing, i was genuinly so happy to hear they were back. The last time i seen them was when i was walking up their street to visit my other friend. It didn't feel like enough time to even catch up on all that had happened. There were soo many moment i just wanted them to be there for, just an ear to listen or a hug to know things will get better. They told me that had broken up with their current love of 8months. They had cheated on them 4 times and he only just found out.

It infuriates me to hear things like this. Knowing if things worked out the way i had once hoped i could of treated them better, shown them loyalty and just do anything in the world to try and make things better for them. What infuriates me even more is i went round to visit them after my web design class and they still wanted to take them back. I felt so hypocritical. I was saying "dont, dont.." but i know if was me in that situation with them i would most likely crumble.

He had been going through a really rough time, im not going to disclose what had happened to them, but i can tell you on face value, its fucked. I know i probably shouldn't of, but i went round to visit him almost everyday of the week to try and take his mind off things, take him out and try and give him some carelessness after whats been going on. As much as i want to believe they appreciate all i do for them, i think alot of it goes un-noticed. Im making all the effort to hang, im calling them up to see if they want to go out. Im trying to keep my distance as i know shits rough but i see them complaining of boredom and just sitting at home and i come to that begging call.

I have taken them out a couple times and tried to rekindle what sort of friendship he had with my friends that year ago. He is different now, he is even more quiet then usual, but i still try and remain understanding that he is going through alot. Every now and then i get a glimpse at the old them, and how we were. They'll tell me whats on their mind, thank me, make me feel like i am a friend and not just this option thats always there.

I feel like a dick for going back here, but at the same time i think im living off the hopes that something might change. Is it true people never change? i hope not. I think you can't change a person but i think you can mould them and guide them. I just want them to know im always there for them, and that im not just another aqquaintance. I remember a time they would text me alot asking what i was up to and if we wanted to hang. But now im lucky to get a reply unless i just drop round.

I feel like a fucking stalker i honestly do. I hate this feeling, i feel like im doing the right thing and the wrong thing at the same time. I want to sit down and have a serious talk with them about whats happened, but i dont want to force any unnecessary worry on them. So for now I just try and engage in normal conversation and try and let them do all the talking. I only have 2 weeks even less though until i move an hours drive away. And i know that once im gone, that will be it. If i dont put in that effort anymore then i wont see them, and it kills me.

Sometimes i feel like they do care back, and are just too afraid to show it, but in the same breathe maybe im just pursueing a friendship that was never really there to begin with. I just want to put and end to all this confusion, and atleast now i am in contact with them again i might be able to get some closure. I dont know why i feel the way i do about them, its not even a matter of them being attractive (which they are in my eyes), there is just something more, i dont usually feel it with anyone. They could be the most dero person i have ever met, i think i will still always have that place, and care whole heartedly for them. I dont know if this is love, but if it isn't i cant wait to see what it really is like. Just being in the presence of this person brings me soo much life. And although at times they can be the cause of soo much frustration, it seems it doesn't matter when all is going right again..

il let you know how things go.