I try to do handstands for you.

Its been a month or so since my last blog, i thought i had met someone with amazing prospects, i believe i may have even mentioned them at the end of my last post. It all seemed to move so quickly and suddenly. I went to his house one day to hang out. I brought around some weed for us to smoke. He is a little bit of a pot head, but i love it. He is soo chilled, makes me look like im neurotic, his laid back attitude towards everything, but the way he is blunt and very precise on his views and opinions. Amazing guy to talk to. He hates the gay scene as well, cant really stand it. Im over it, everyone wants to know who is fucking who, and what the newest cool word to say is. makes me sick, makes me feel like im back in highschool again, something i barely managed to get through in the first place.

Anyway we had been hanging for a few days, smoking in his room, getting high and watching episodes of southpark or family guy. One night i stayed at his. Usually i would drive home but i was too high to drive home. We had been watching the L word and just talking about anything and everything. Although realisitically i had only really known him for a month, i felt like i had known him for atleast a couple of years. We were so honest about everything. Eventually it came time to sleep. He was explaining how he was such a pro at hickeys in the day and would be covered with them. I tried to give it a go, but im absolutely shit. I dno what happened but we crossed eyes and kissed.

"finally.." i said. I had been wanting to do it for ages but it just seemed like it wasn't the right moment.

"you only had to ask" he said with this cheeky accomplished grin on his face.

From then on we had hit it off, he had said to me he had been going through a rough time and really needed friends but it seemed our actions told a different story. I loved it, loved being able to cuddle him and kiss him, this was the sort of physical friendship/relationship i wanted in someone. Someone i could be friends with during the day, really hit it off with then at night show the more affection side of things.

This lasted about 2-4 days.. I dno it seemed the closest thing to perfect i could really think of. We took the piss out of eachother alot, and mocked eachother but all in good fun. I worried i smothered them, it was hard not too want to kiss them and hug them, i even told them, they said they liked it. They looked genuinely happy, really smitten. I think i was too. No complications just good times. Their mum seemed to like me too, which is always a bonus. Some nights we wouldn't sleep. We would just lay there talking to eachother, cuddling up, telling eachother the most secretive things.

I went around late last week, and things seemed different. They were moody and didn't want to be touched. They had a hickey on their shoulder to. It wasn't me, they claimed it was a friend who was mucking around. I feel a little naive trusting them about it. I have a feeling they seen their ex. They were talking about them a lot that day getting really upset. They were sitting on the computer chair and i was on their bed. Kinda holding their legs either side of me. Not in a sexual way just mucking around. They said they dont think they could do this anymore.

me: "what? do what anymore?"

j: "this.. whats going to happen down the line when one of us get a boyfriend or something?"

me: "i dno, i dont really think about it, i dont wanna hook up with anyone else but you right now."

j: "but i dno if i can do this.. i dont think im ready for it.."


I understood, but was absolutely gutted at the same time. They knew they had upset me, but i reassured them that it was ok, their not the first, and they would not be the last. I think i tried to give off this "its ok i didn't really care that much" attitude, and im pretty sure they didn't buy it. They had broken up with their ex only a couple of months ago. The same time me and chris had parted. He had been seeing this guy for 2 years.

I dont know what to think. I still dont know, they seemed soo happy and if they knew what they wanted, so smitten so content. And then there was this sudden change of heart. They were worried i wouldn't be friends with them anymore. I still want to, but its going to be soo hard. I see them now and all i want to do is hug them and go back to that. Its wierd, i really started feeling for this guy.